Of course, that would only have happened IF there was a baby store, and IF we were all blessed with precognitive powers, and my mother could have divined that when I was 14 I was going to say to her, “You know, that whole Joseph Smith story sounds like crap to me, and an excuse for him to have sex with lots of young girls.” Yeah, my ass would have been back at that BABY STORE fast.

But there is no baby store, and no precog powers, and my parents are stuck with me (and an older sister who is slightly more respectful but no more believing). The rest of the sibs all bought into the Celestial Kingdom Song and Dance Number, and did the whole Temple Marriage and Sunday Church-going and Eternal Family thingie. And none of THEM are going through a divorce, so that MUST mean the Church is true, RIGHT? None of them have had to return to live in the basement and ….oh wait. There was that two years that my brother was deciding what he wanted to be when he grew up, about five years ago, somewhere after he turned thirty. He lived here with my sister-in-law and my nephew, so I guess that’s not entirely true. But you know my mom is not remembering that and she just wants to introduce me to some nice Mormon guy who will get my ass back in line and BACK TO CHURCH. That, surely, is the answer to all.

Of course, my mom doesn’t actually say that to me. She is probably thinking it, but I’m sure she would never say it out loud. To me, anyway. But hanging with the parents all the time, you start to read the cues. My mother is good with verbal cues. You know, religious sign language. Living by example. That kind of stuff. My dad is not so subtle. Conversations with my father go something like this.

Me: Wow, it took me $60 to fill up the Jeep.
Dad: Well, you know that things are really coming to a head here. People are going to start breaking into people’s houses because they can’t even survive. The Church teaches us that the Second Coming of Jesus is close, and we need to be ready. Just today on the news, I saw a story about a guy who woke up to some guy in his house, and he got out his gun, but the robber took the gun and shot the man. He died! Things are getting bad.

I’m thinking, “Hmm, I think gas and Jesus probably had VERY little to do with this, and METHAMPHETAMINE a whole lot more to do with it,” but try explaining that to a man who has cable and a steady diet of Matlock and Little House on the Prairie. To him, meth is something that people believe is true, but that couldn’t possibly be, like the whole Jesus/God/Holy Ghost one being thingie. That’s a myth in Mormon Country.

They can wrap their heads around multiple wives and children and death and disembowelment vows uttered in the temple, but give them the Holy Trinity and they scoff.

Almost every conversation we have morphs into, “Well, you know, the Church teaches us that….”

My dad is pretty convinced that the world is getting more and more wicked every day, and that it’s a sign that Jesus is ON HIS WAY BACK, and my mom is busy washing the sheets because Stormy the Wonder Dog thinks their bed is Doggie Playland. But at least if Jesus comes back tomorrow, she’ll have clean sheets!

I personally think Jesus time is a ways out, because there have always been floods, and death, and destruction, and umpteen years ago there was that whole Bubonic Plague thingie, and if Jesus was sending a scourge right before he came back down, don’t you think THAT would have been an appropriate time to show up? I’m not all that convinced that the world is so much worse than it used to be. In fact, reading about Adolf Hitler, I’m pretty sure that evil has existed for centuries. And maybe it’s cyclical, like the weather. The fact that it has SNOWED in April does not mean Jesus is on the 11:30 flight from Kolob. At least in my book.

But religion has long thrived on scaring the shit out of people. That’s how you keep them in line. I remember hearing a screeching noise when I was about nine, and cowering under my bed, convinced that it was the Angel Moroni blowing his horn, and I would never, ever get a chance to wear a bra that I could actually fill out. I mean, my BLOOD RAN COLD, because people handed me these stories of the END OF THE WORLD and THE SECOND COMING like they were candy. And boy was I relieved when I found it was just the brakes on the old station wagon. No Second Coming today. Thank you.

I guess that’s why my dad has to say, “Well the Church teaches us…” every other sentence, because if he doesn’t, and Jesus just shows up there on the doorstep, he has FAILED as a parent, and he will NOT be spending his eternities in the Celestial Kingdom. It’s TELESTIAL for you, Mister.

My mom is not driven by the same religious demons, although she is definitely a big believer. As I mentioned before, she mostly comes from the “Living by example” school of religion. Yes, there is a cutout of Jesus in our laundry room, she never misses church, and Joseph Smith decorates her “Mormon room,” but we never get the “Church teaches us” speeches from her.

So, I guess I just have to say, thanks for not returning me to the baby store, Mom. After you get back from church today, maybe we can cook us up some barbecue and have a few beers. Er, or maybe a few Sprites.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I’m just going to say upfront that I understand that this new behavior of his is NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY. I know this, Dad. Really, I do. IT.IS.NOT.FUNNY. And I am burying my head under the pillow and fighting back these noises because I am so MORTIFIED by my dog’s behavior that I can barely handle the stress and humiliation. This is not laughter. This is remorse and… sobs of dismay.

I am dismayed. Because WHENEVER my parents leave their bedroom door open, StWD waits for an opportunity when no one is around, races INTO their bedroom, jumps up ONTO the bed, proceeds to paw at and dig at the covers, throwing off pillows and various bed accessories, then rolls around a bit and THEN he runs out and leaves it a HUGE mess.

Now, my mother ALWAYS makes her bed, and my dad’s theory is that Stormy believes that beds should NOT be made up, because my daughters leave their beds in such disarray that we often believe a tornado has torn through our living area. If you asked my niece, RubySue, she would let you know that this is entirely possible. Have you not SEEN Little House on the Prairie?

I suppose my dad’s theory is as good as any, but it only seems to pertain to THEIR bed, and Stormy doesn’t do it when I make MY bed. Of course, he shares this bed with me, and perhaps he thinks there is no fun to be found in tearing it apart, because he fears I will force him to help me MAKE it after he does his thing. I know my children’s minds work in that particularly strange manner.

Now, he actually started this a few months ago, but I thought he had stopped, and I was unaware his bizarre behavior was still going on, until earlier this week, when my mother said to me, “I am SO mad at your dog.” And then she showed me her bed, all torn up and the covers pulled off, and I swallowed all that laughter that wanted to come bubbling out because THIS IS NOT FUNNY, PEOPLE. This is serious business. It really SUCKS to make your bed, and then have a dog just jump up there like a seven-year-old boy and just jump around and tear it to bits.

We need an intervention. Or something like that.

Today is release day for the third in the series, POINTE AND SHOOT.

If you are interested in learning more about this “alter ego” of mine, you can visit the Web site www.jennytpartridge.com, or read an author profile about me here.

And buy the book. It’s fun. I promise…..

Last Sunday, the mutual leaders showed up at our door with a tacky looking fake cardboard Olympic flame dealie, and a note encouraging them to sign up for the “Eternalympics,” which we then had to “pass on” to the next girl on the list. Since Dancing Daughter NEVER goes to Mutual, or whatever the heck they are calling it these days, and Chatter Child rarely goes, unless she is bored, this is a blatant attempt at getting them to JOIN IN the indoctrination.

I was tempted to keep the tacky thing, and really throw a wrench in the works, but I was afraid the leaders would tattle on me, and I would HATE to deprive some other girl of her opportunity to join in the “Eternalympics,” because as the good old FLDS Debacle has shown, barefoot, pregnant, and wearing ugly clothing–hanging with all your SisterWives, each sporting the polygamist poof hairdo–is such a great IDEAL.

Anyway, we didn’t keep the torch.

And today has been torchless. All in all, the doorbell has not rang ONCE, not even for Stormy the Wonder Dog (of course, he thinks that EVERY TIME it rings it’s for him).

So far today, nothing. Maybe I’ll go door to door introducing myself as a representative of Hare Krishna, just to stir things up. Nah.

Name: Lauren |
Why is it so important to all of you to tear down and stomp on this religion? I have never seen this website until today and after looking through quite a few of the comments on here, both by the creator of this site and by visitors to it, I am curious as to WHY you spew so much hate and venom at this one particular religion? What satisfaction do you receive from being so ugly with your words? Maybe I am mistaken and you all hate other religions too?

Name: Lauren |

Why is it so important to all of you to tear down and stomp on this religion? I have never seen this website until today and after looking through quite a few of the comments on here, both by the creator of this site and by visitors to it, I am curious as to WHY you spew so much hate and venom at this one particular religion? What satisfaction do you receive from being so ugly with your words? Maybe I am mistaken and you all hate other religions too?

Name: Lauren |

It seems clear to me that “Victim Syndrome” runs rampant on this site. “Oh poor me! Those damn Mormons. They’re ruining my life. Whaaaa!” Would you like me to call the Whaaambulance for you?

This crap is no more justifiable than the Aryan Nations or the KKK. It’s founded in hate and intolerance. If all of you are soooo bothered by the Mormons, THEN DON’T BE AROUND THEM!!! If you can’t stand living in a “Mormon” community, THEN MOVE AWAY! To live in a place where you are outnumbered by another culture, and cry and bitch and whine about them is an attention getting measure. It’s stupid and immature.

The fact of the matter is that there are deviants in all religions, just as there are people in all religions who believe that their’s is true. That’s life. Ever heard of religious freedom?

Move on.

#

In a previous post you(Natalie) said,” The angry Mormons who disagree with me RARELY, if ever, address the actual comments or questions or theological concerns I have. ” Would you care to enlighten me as to what your questions and theological concerns are? I am asking you with sincerity because I would truly like to know. It interests me that you do what you do.

(Yes, I realize that my comment has little to do with this particular blog posting. I just would like to be noticed and I figured that putting my question here would do that…. and I am not very good at being patient. I am that kid who wiggles and squirms and waves my hand at the teacher saying, “Oo! Pick me, pick me!”)

Now, I might have considered ANSWERING Lauren’s last question, but after the whole “WHAMBULANCE” comment, I realized she must be about twelve, and really, what’s the point? Even 12-year-olds aren’t gonna be laughing at THAT joke. I think she read it on one of those Laffy Taffy wrappers. Or heard it on Sesame Street.

She calls ME stupid and immature, and precedes it with the WHAMBULANCE?! Your sincerity, Lauren, is drowned out by the wail of the WHAMBULANCE. Sorry, I can’t hear you over the noise.

Then we have Fred. Or as he wrote it, fred.

Name: fred |

I”M a Mormon to and i love it i was shocked when reading this i never knew he was suffering from cancer if you don’t mind list what kind and maybe try going to the chapel (church building) and go to sacrament

Fred, suffering from terminal loss of punctuation, is either a) 12-years-old and Lauren’s classmate or b) foreign speaking. Since he didn’t even know his own leader had cancer, I’m choosing to ignore his advice. Plus I’ve already been there, done that, got the CTR ring and moved on.

And then we have our VERY GOOD FRIEND Anonymous, who hangs around a LOT. This particular incarnation of Anonymous appears, based on the email address, to be a young female.

Name: Anonymous |

Why is it you think that ones religion has EVERYTHING to do with how they act? Does a persons upbringing have no say? and if that’s the case, then what religion do you belong to that says mormons are bad? Because no matter what religion you look at, they’re all going to have a few crazies in them. and if you’re so sick of the mormons, move out of Utah.

Where did I say that, A? And where did I say Mormons are bad? Furthermore, I totally agree with you. All religions have a few crazies in them, and there are aspects of ALL religions that appeal to the disturbed mind. However, I live in Utah, and I deal with Mormons, and I live in and around Mormons, and so that is what I write about. And the old “if you don’t like it leave?” statement is UTTER bullshit. If you don’t like what I have to say, YOU leave. No one made you come here and read this blog. And I’ll live Utah when and if I’m ready, on my own terms. I was born here, and I’ve raised my children here. And only by speaking up do things change, and I will CONTINUE to speak up. Surely you are aware what happens when people try to create a “perfect” society by getting rid of everyone who doesn’t believe like they do. Surely you’ve seen examples of what happens when you try to cull out all those you deem “unseemly” or “different.” Perhaps you missed that episode of The Simpsons. Well, I didn’t and I can tell you, it ain’t good, my friend, Anon.

My purpose here, is to keep you on your toes. You’re welcome.

Next?

SALT LAKE CITY 17 April 2008 Elder Quentin L. Cook, an apostle for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, appealed to the news media today to make a clear distinction in their reports between the Church and the polygamist sect in Texas that has made headlines throughout the world.

He praised news media that are making this distinction but expressed concerns about others who are perpetuating mistruths about the Church, whose members are commonly referred to as Mormons.

Elder Cook said it is very confusing to the public when some media use “Mormon” to describe the Texas-based polygamous group that is currently under investigation for possible incidents of child abuse. He reiterated that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with over 13 million members worldwide, is not connected in any way to sects that practice polygamy.

Drawing contrasts between the Church and polygamists, Elder Cook said that Church members do not live in isolated compounds, arrange marriages, dress in old-fashioned clothing or wear unusual hairstyles.

Rather, they are participating members of the communities in which they live throughout the world, get married at the average age of 23 and are well educated. In fact, 60 percent of Church members in the United States have some college education, which is 10 percent above the national average.

Wow. That’s the ONLY contrasts they can come up with? No isolated compounds, arranged marriages, old-fashioned clothing, and UNUSUAL hairstyles? What about the BELIEF system people?

Perhaps we should point out just a FEW of the shared beliefs.

*Belief that Joseph Smith Jr. restored the gospel of Jesus Christ to the earth
*Belief that Joseph Smith is a prophet of God
*Belief that polygamy is necessary for living in God’s highest Kingdom, the Celestial Kingdom. In fact, polygamy was called the NEW and EVERLASTING covenant, by none other than Joseph Smith….speaking for God, of course
*Belief that the Book of Mormon is the word of God

Truth be told, the pligs are living the gospel of Joseph Smith the way JS taught it. And the modern-day mainstream Mormon Church? They still BELIEVE in polygamy, and practice spiritual polygamy, but do not currently practice physical polygamy, as it is against the law. It was NOT, however, removed from the doctrine, and in fact, was discontinued with a “manifesto” and not a prophecy.

But back to the Church statement: Unusual hairstyles??? They are, of course, referring to what I call the “polygamist poof.”

That, old-fashioned clothing, and living in a compound. Other than that, the Mormons are REALLY all in the same family.

And ARRANGED MARRIAGES? We are talking about YOUNG GIRLS BEING RAPED HERE, you old geezers! Sheesh. Makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs, don’t it? Talk about dancing around the ELEPHANT in the living room.

Elephant, thy name is polygamy.

(Please note: If you go in and read the comments, and you read the one from “plaintruth” and your blood starts to boil and seeps up into your eyes, and your head threatens to explode… Just note. The ISP is a Utah ISP, and the email address is a fake one, and it’s more than likely a troll. So before you set your blood to boil, consider the fact it AIN’T really worth it. Although it makes for good blog reading….)

Mormona non grata, I’m telling you…..

“I will now say, not only to our delegate to Congress, but to the Elders who leave the body of the Church, that he thought that all the cats and kittens were let out of the bag when brother Pratt went back last fall, and published the Revelation concerning the plurality of wives: it was thought there was no other cat to let out. But allow me to tell you, Elders of Israel, and delegates to Congress, you may expect an eternity of cats that have not yet escaped from the bag”.

Brigham Young, Great Salt Lake City Tabernacle,
June 19, 1853 Journal of Discourses Vol. 1, p. 188

Those cats? They are STILL escaping the bag….

You all remember freakTV polygamist wonderchild Tom Green, right? Who paraded all his many wives on the daytime TV circuit, and then was ASTONISHED when he was charged by authorities for having a few too many wives. WIVES he married when they were pretty damn young.

The SAME Tom Green who railed on those who would molest children, then when it was pointed out to him that his first “wife” Linda was only 13 when he married her, he said, “Well, Linda was different.”

Yeah, Tom. That’s what all the skeevy child molesters say.

Tom Green County. Wow.