Dogs are poor judges of what things should go in their mouths, and what things should stay OUT of their mouths. Anyone who has seen a dog lick his own, uh, accessories can attest to this. But I offer up a few more examples.

No. 1. My friend Tracee’s dog likes underwear and socks. Clean underwear and socks are NOT on the menu. He prefers them worn. Yum. They usually are not long inside him, of course, and can almost always be retrieved–should one want to retrieve them. I personally say no.

No. 2. I used to have a rottweiler who ate crayons. We went through a lot of those when she was alive–that is when my children were younger and used crayons regularly–and if nothing else, her poop was very colorful.

No. 3. My other dog, Quinn, used to eat everything that hit the floor. With the exception of peas. It amazed me that a dog who would eat his own, well, you know, turned his nose up at peas. Go figure.

Now, Stormy the Wonder Dog has a sweet tooth. We all know dogs should not chew gum. Particularly shih tzus, who have long hair and small brains. (Sorry, Stormy, but you KNOW it’s true.)

Normally, one would think the hair would be the issue, and that would be much funnier than this story. Because, see, the real reason dogs should not chew gum is that most gum these days is sugarless, and flavored with something called xylitol. And xylitol, even in small doses, is quite toxic to dogs. When Chatter Child discovered an entire package of Orbit gum–14 pieces to be exact–was missing, only small pieces of wrapper and the outer package, gnawed up a bit, remaining, she was peeved and worried.

She insisted I look it up on the Internet. Good thing she insisted and I listened. We called the animal ER, they told us to bring him in, and so he is spending the night there, to the tune of $400, some charcoal and an IV.

An estimated 44.8 million American households have dogs in them. And yet there are no warnings on the packages of gum. Yeah, yeah, you might think Stormy is just a stupid mutt, but I was amazed how many stories I heard about dogs ingesting sugarless gum. FYI, I am not implying STORMY himself would have read the warnings. He still chases his tail and acts peeved when he can’t catch it. “Damn, it got away again!”

But what if we hadn’t looked it up on the Internet? I might not be as poor money-wise, but my life would be a whole lot emptier. What would be the harm in a label with a warning?

So here’s my own personal warning. Xylitol can KILL your dog. Keep any product containing this sweetener locked up tight.

Stormy is very resourceful when it comes to sweets. He sniffed out the gum in the pocket of my daughter’s bookbag, and quietly got it out, carried it off somewhere and had a gum party, all by himself. If she hadn’t been wanting to make sure her gum was there for tomorrow, well…..

After he is released from the hospital, we are planning an intervention and then some rehab. Should the intervention have come first? Probably. But c’est la vie….

It’s a dog’s life. And mine is still alive to tell about the gum adventure.

No more gum.

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