It’s snowing right now in Utah, and although the ground is still too warm for it to stick, at least on the valley floor, the mountains are getting a pretty good frosting.

And it seems to be making people testy.

Why, even my AOL was snippy to me.

I tried to close a window, clicking on the nice little link that said, “Close this window,” and another message popped up saying, “We cannot close this window. Please close it yourself.”

Sheesh.

I think SOMEISP needs some cheering up. So, here’s a few tidbits from Mormonville, aimed at tickling your funny bone. I am currently, while in the midst of a personal change, living with my very Mormon parents. Life is interesting, every.single.day. These are random, in no order, and some have absolutely no meaning. Whatever.

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So the doorbell rings, and the parents are gone to some Church meeting, or a canning assignment, or possibly Walmart. And so I answer it. There stand the missionaries. (My dad’s current church calling has something to do missionaries. Perhaps Chief Missionary Herder.) “Is Elder Collins here?”

“Nope, sorry.”

“Okay.”

So, I take a quick look at their nametags and stop cold. Should I comment? No, no. No comments. I tell them I will leave a message with my dad, and shut the door. Will.Not.Open.Door. Will.Not.Comment. Ah, can’t help myself. I open the door back up. “Is your name REALLY Elder Lord?” I ask the one who looks twelve.

He gets a “oh brother” look on his face, and kicks his feet like a four-year-old. “Yup,” he mumbles.

“Bet you get teased about that.”

“Yup.” Somebody give that poor kid some pie. He deserves it.

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The phone rings. “Is Brother Collins there?”

“No, sorry. Can I take a message?”

“This is their home teacher.”

Okay. Waiting. Nothing. Is there an appropriate to response to “This is their home teacher” that someone forgot to teach me back when they were cramming rote prayers and answers down my throat?

“Well, they are not here. I’ll tell them you called, Mr. uh, Home Teacher.”

He does not correct me, or give me his name.

Perhaps this IS his given name. If so, it would make it easy to give HIM his Church calling, huh?

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Did you know that on cable television, you can watch 24 hours of nothing but Little House on the Prairie, The Andy Griffith Show, Matlock and Leave it to Beaver, and NEVER have to hear one word that is even SLIGHTLY questionable? Well, except maybe beaver, but don’t tell that to my dad.

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So there you have it. A few snippets from Behind the Zion Curtain. Happy Snowy Saturday!

Well, Trappees, this is a “victory celebration” kind of night, as a jury has convicted Weenie Rat Face, aka Warren Jeffs, of being an accomplice in the rape of a 14-year-old girl he ordered married to her cousin.

This is a HUGE day for opponents of polygamy, as it is practiced by Warren Jeffs and his clan, along with other Weenie Rat Faces.

Perhaps because of this ruling, a few teenage girls will sleep a little better tonight. Perhaps.

The LA Times said:

Much of the weeklong trial centered around dueling interpretations of the theology taught by Jeffs. He instructed women to be “submissive,” and said that husbands ruled by their wives were “weak.” He said women needed to follow their husbands “in righteousness.” He also lectured that women were to initiate sexual relations in marriage.

The accuser testified that she vehemently protested her arranged marriage to her cousin Allen Steed in April 2001, but that Jeffs turned down her pleas. At one point, she said, he told her “your heart is in the wrong place.”

She said Steed forced himself on her a few weeks after their wedding, demanding she obey him. Steed, who has not been criminally charged, testified that his wife was unhappy with the marriage but she initiated sex. He said he never forced her to do anything.

As is often the case, the “victim” had to go on trial here, and that irks me to no end, but I do applaud her courage.

Weenie Rat Face? Hope you like big boys named Bubba, because where you are going, you’re going to meet a few of them….. And you’ll probably enjoy it, too.

Long before Mitt Romney and “Big Love,” Mormons were demonized as polygamists, prudes and vampires. But Mormonism just may be the first major world faith since Islam.

So begins a recent Salon.com article by Andrew O’Hehir, as he reviews the book, People of Paradox: A History of Mormon Culture, by Terry Givens. I have to admit, the review kind of gets lost in O’Hehir’s musings. But I really enjoyed the way he tied his own past into the story, and you have to read it to hear about the “Dawna’s,” his first experience with Mormonism.

All in all, it’s well worth a read, especially as O’Hehir compares Mormonism to Islam. Oh, and he mentions–more than once–the DAMNED HAT old Joe used to translate, which makes him my kinda guy. Regular Trappees know how much that bothers me.

Anyway, read the article. I did write to Mr. O’Hehir, reflecting that I am still bothered by the media embracing Mormon delusions that the LDS Church is one of, if not THE, fastest growing religions, but hey… You can’t have everything.

Dogs are poor judges of what things should go in their mouths, and what things should stay OUT of their mouths. Anyone who has seen a dog lick his own, uh, accessories can attest to this. But I offer up a few more examples.

No. 1. My friend Tracee’s dog likes underwear and socks. Clean underwear and socks are NOT on the menu. He prefers them worn. Yum. They usually are not long inside him, of course, and can almost always be retrieved–should one want to retrieve them. I personally say no.

No. 2. I used to have a rottweiler who ate crayons. We went through a lot of those when she was alive–that is when my children were younger and used crayons regularly–and if nothing else, her poop was very colorful.

No. 3. My other dog, Quinn, used to eat everything that hit the floor. With the exception of peas. It amazed me that a dog who would eat his own, well, you know, turned his nose up at peas. Go figure.

Now, Stormy the Wonder Dog has a sweet tooth. We all know dogs should not chew gum. Particularly shih tzus, who have long hair and small brains. (Sorry, Stormy, but you KNOW it’s true.)

Normally, one would think the hair would be the issue, and that would be much funnier than this story. Because, see, the real reason dogs should not chew gum is that most gum these days is sugarless, and flavored with something called xylitol. And xylitol, even in small doses, is quite toxic to dogs. When Chatter Child discovered an entire package of Orbit gum–14 pieces to be exact–was missing, only small pieces of wrapper and the outer package, gnawed up a bit, remaining, she was peeved and worried.

She insisted I look it up on the Internet. Good thing she insisted and I listened. We called the animal ER, they told us to bring him in, and so he is spending the night there, to the tune of $400, some charcoal and an IV.

An estimated 44.8 million American households have dogs in them. And yet there are no warnings on the packages of gum. Yeah, yeah, you might think Stormy is just a stupid mutt, but I was amazed how many stories I heard about dogs ingesting sugarless gum. FYI, I am not implying STORMY himself would have read the warnings. He still chases his tail and acts peeved when he can’t catch it. “Damn, it got away again!”

But what if we hadn’t looked it up on the Internet? I might not be as poor money-wise, but my life would be a whole lot emptier. What would be the harm in a label with a warning?

So here’s my own personal warning. Xylitol can KILL your dog. Keep any product containing this sweetener locked up tight.

Stormy is very resourceful when it comes to sweets. He sniffed out the gum in the pocket of my daughter’s bookbag, and quietly got it out, carried it off somewhere and had a gum party, all by himself. If she hadn’t been wanting to make sure her gum was there for tomorrow, well…..

After he is released from the hospital, we are planning an intervention and then some rehab. Should the intervention have come first? Probably. But c’est la vie….

It’s a dog’s life. And mine is still alive to tell about the gum adventure.

No more gum.

Yup, that’s right. My judges could not pick, nor did my judges agree, so I am turning to you.

The finalists are:

3. Cele Says: His future is secure.

8. Tracy Says: The Mormons had to resort to elephants to suck their former members back to the fold.

10. sheryl Says: Reason #1 that Viagra is not FDA-approved for boys under 12.

PLEASE VOTE! You can vote in comments, or by email to: Nataliewrites@aol.com.