So, it took a few weeks for the backlash to start, but today I found not ONE, but TWO very amusing attempts to convince others not to read my book.

The first was this email:

Message: I am writing this [the following text in quotes] on behalf of my
grandmother, Joy B. Dearden.

\”I purchased \’Behind Closed Doors\’ on Monday. Finished the book on Tuesday. I
SHREDDED it Tuesday night. It went to the county dump Wenesday.\”

I personally find your warped veiw of mormons disturbing and immature. You are
not doing yourself any form of justice by making a religion look twisted and
perturbed by weaving lies into the minds of people that don\’t know any better.
Simply because of one experience you had does not mean that the entire church
revolves around scandal.

I personally don\’t find comfort in the religon of the LDS church, but that
dosen\’t mean that I bash and destroy it via written text in such a disgusting
manner.

Here\’s hoping that someday you can write something other that hogwash.

My response? “Well, since I am a ‘glass half full’ kinda girl, I’m really glad to note that your grandmother continued to read and finished, quite quickly, the entire book, before she shredded it.”

My warped view of Mormons is disturbing and immature? But you didn’t READ the book yourself, right, so how would you know that? How is it disturbing, and how is it immature? Guess what, I found Mark Hacking’s behavior disturbing and immature, too. IN fact, I was REALLY bothered when he shot his wife to death and and then threw her in the garbage like yesterday’s trash. Then pretended someone had killed her.

You know what else? Mark Hacking was a Mormon. Did you know that? Perhaps you did. My books are about Mormons. Good, bad, ugly, some affected positively by the doctrine, others negatively.

Obviously, the book was riveting enough your grandmother couldn’t put it down. Go Grandma! Shred that book, baby.

The next little ripple I saw was this Amazon review.

This book was awful. The plot alternates between incoherent and completely predictable. The writing is cliche and clunky. As for the promised expose of Mormonism, that consists of a character scanning a book shelf and noticing titles like Fawn Brodie’s “No Man Knows My History.” Courtney Perkes amazon review.

First of all, as a writer, I must note that it HAS to be absolutely impossible for a book to alternate between incoherent and completely predictable. That just can’t happen.

Secondly, obviously, your review has an agenda. And that’s okay, except you are not honest about your agenda. There IS no promised expose of Mormonism. Wherever did you get that idea? This book does delve into the Mormon experience, but it certainly doesn’t come close to covering all of it, and doesn’t claim to do so.

Of course, your opinion is yours, Courtney, and I won’t take that away from you. Too bad you can’t write a structured sentence, using the correct form of words, because then, perhaps, people might take you seriously. Or not.

Our friend Trevor thinks we should all be back in church where we “belong.” After the morning I had, perhaps Trevor is right. After all, could this be mere coincidence?

I was scheduled to appear on the Z-Morning Zoo show, 97.1 ZHT in Salt Lake City, with Frankie and Danger Boy this morning. Well. See, there was this SNOWSTORM. And in Davis County it was not a little snowstorm. Even though I left my house at 7:00 a.m., plenty of time, you would think, for an 8:00 a.m. appearance in SLC, about 30 miles from here, I did not make it. Traffic was traveling about five to ten miles per hour. ALL THROUGH DAVIS COUNTY. Then when I FINALLY got to 215, and both the snow and the traffic lightened up a bit, it was 8:15. But I thought I could still make it. Bad karma was not following me, no. I made up some time, until a car from California (with CTR stickers all over it) swerved in front of me, right before my exit, totally rattling me. I was already a bit nervous and angsty because of the delay, and the snow, and I knew I was late. Now, did you note this important fact? CTR stickers. A message from God, people. HE MADE ME MISS MY EXIT. Or I am just a crappy driver who should stay home and never leave. Wonder which one? The California driver was obviously lost. I, on the other hand, have lived in Utah all my life. Again, coincidence? CTR STICKERS, people!

Next thing I knew, I was on 4400 West and 3500 South, with no idea where to go, and I just stopped and called the station. At this point, there was only a half hour left of the program.

So, I turned around and came home. And it took me AN HOUR to get home. Coincidence, you say? Bad timing, you think? No, it had to be the Mormon God, working in cahoots with Trevor, to get my butt back in church where it belongs.

Or maybe God was telling me to go to California. What do you think?

I was perusing the most recent comments on the plague post, and found this one from our friend Trevor

Aaaaiiirrrrr baaaaalll !!
Aaaaiiirrrrr baaaaalll !!
Aaaaiiirrrrr baaaaalll !!

LOL — another sourpuss ex-mormon! Get back to church where you belong.

LOL!!

No, no, Trevor, we were talking about CATS. Not basketball. Professional cat riding, because I was a little fevered on Sunday, and forced to entertain myself while watching men ride bulls. I’m serious. But men are too big to ride cats. Maybe professional cat wrestling! Oh yeah, that’s the ticket.

Airballs are in basketball. Not cat riding or wrestling. Pay attention!

Because if you were, you would note there really isn’t much at all that is “sourpuss ex-Mormon” about me. This stuff is FUNNY stuff.

You get back to church. I have cat wrestling to plan.

The flu has come to visit at the Collins household, and it got me BUT GOOD today. So tired and worn out, coughing, achy, chills, fever, etc., that all I have done is lay on the couch and watch television. Unfortunately, Mr. Collins was also home today, beings as it was Sunday and we forgot to go to church, and he INSISTED on controlling the remote. What’s new.

So we watched the PBR in New York City–get a rope! And I have to insist that it cannot really be all that hard to ride a bull. I mean, they are big, and if they get a hold of you, they are mean and inflict quite a bit of damage. But still, I see a sport with much more danger and skill involved. I think they should start up a PCR–professional cat riding association.

Anybody who has ever tried to comb, groom, bathe, or control a cat in any way will understand this. That would take real cojones. I realize the logistics of this are not possible, but just think about it! Now that would be a challenge.

Maybe it’s the fever…..

Our first 2007 Stick up the Wazoo Award goes jointly to Kaysville (Utah) City Councilman Gil Miller and Ryan Price of SLC. You will note the kinder, gentler language I am using. Becoming aware of the young readership I sometimes attract, I am attempting to avoid swearage. It’s my New Year’s resolution. I’m sure it will last until at least the Utah State Legislature meets.

At any rate, Mormon Miller decided to mandate that no Kaysville-city sponsored events will be held on Mondays, because most Mormons want it that way. Of course, he didn’t say Mormons. He said:

“…most of his family-oriented constituents want Monday evenings free. And, he says, city-sponsored sports get in the way.”

How cute. Everyone KNOWS that Mormons hold Mondays sacred as “Family Home Evening,” mandated by the Church. His wording fools no one. But he’s been very careful, of course, to avoid offending anyone, or say MAKING EVERYONE WHO LIVES IN KAYSVILLE LIVE BY RULES SET DOWN BY THE MORMON RELIGION. By God, no, he didn’t do that.

He says his decision, which was backed up by fellow council members, has nothing to do with the Mormon Church’s practice - he’s a member - of asking members to reserve Monday nights for Family Home Evening.

“Over the past 20 months numerous people have approached me about Monday practices,” Miller said, estimating that Kaysville is about 90 percent LDS. According to LDS church records, 68 percent of Davis County’s population belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

“I believe I understand what the folks in Kaysville are after,” Miller said, carefully avoiding any direct link between his beliefs and the city’s new policy.

Not only does Miller have problems with MATH, but he also has every intention of making EVERY Kaysville resident, Mormon or not, abide by HIS BELIEF SYSTEM. This will, according to other Kaysville politicos, be a detriment to the Kaysville City budget and all the young people involved in city sports, which, despite what Miller thinks, have NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION. We aren’t asking you to run the sports on Sundays, you doehead. But Mondays? That’s your religion, and your choice, but you DON’T get to make an entire city live by YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEF. You’ve been living in Utah too long, and apparently do not have ANY idea what the division of Church and State means. If you don’t want your kids to play sports on Mondays, that’s your call, but you DON’T get to mandate what MY KIDS do.

And to say it’s NOT because of the Mormon belief of Family Home Evening. Carefully word your way to the Celestial Kingdom, nobody is that STUPID. It’s about YOU thinking ONLY MORMONS live here. How arrogant and un-Christlike is that? Fortunately for you, you have supporters. And thus, you get to SHARE your award with a Public Forum writer in The Salt Lake Tribune.

Dear Ryan Price said, in his Tribune letter:

People are not the church
Public Forum Letter
Article Last Updated: 01/04/2007 07:58:11 PM MST

In his letter, “Church and state,” published in the Dec. 29 Public Forum, James Oshust takes to task the LDS Church for Kaysville’s decision to not have certain facilities open on Mondays, as well as having their New Year’s celebration on the 30th.

He tells the LDS Church that only once that organization is willing to pay the costs of these facilities can it then impart their “specific morality.”

Mr. Oshust is quite obviously bitter about the LDS Church. What he fails to understand, or is simply unwilling to understand, is that the LDS Church, as an organization, has nothing to do with these kinds of decisions. Were there LDS members who made the decision? Yes. But Mormons in Kaysville making public policy decisions are not the LDS Church. People, please try to get those distinctions straight.

Ryan Price
Salt Lake City

Ryan, are you REALLY that stupid? The only reason MORMONS in Kaysville are trying to MAKE that particular public policy is because THE MORMON CHURCH teaches it as POLICY. They didn’t pull it out of their wazoo, unlike this stupid letter you wrote to The Salt Lake Tribune!

If the letter writer he is referring to is bitter, it’s no WONDER! If Gil Miller was NOT Mormon, and did not believe in Family Home Evening on Mondays, he would not be trying to tell every other resident of Kaysville that THEY cannot play sports on Mondays because HIS CHURCH doesn’t want them to.

I was raised Mormon. I know VERY WELL how much pressure is put on people to impart THEIR religion on others. YOU make the distinction, Ryan. When the LDS Church writes a letter, telling Miller that he should not try to enforce public policy based on his religious belief, then I will agree with you that PEOPLE are not the Church. Until then, you and I BOTH know that Gil Miller is only doing what his Church wants him to do. Probably sanctioned by his local leaders, and possibly even Church headquarters.

Until we hear otherwise, this is just a fact. If you’ve lived in Utah more than ten minutes, you know this.

Enjoy your stick.