Let’s face it, Halloween in Utah is a crap shoot, weatherwise. You just never know what you are going to get.

My daughters, for years, insisted on froufrou, frilly, barely there costumes, like princess dresses. These are not practical costumes, because you have to know that mom is NOT going to let you out of the house, in freezing temperatures, wearing little more than Cinderella’s dress! Better you should choose to dress up like the abominable snowman. Or an antarctic explorer. But you don’t see many of those at Halloween.

Growing up, we always knew there was the chance we were going to have to put on our costumes and then COVER IT UP with a huge coat and gloves, as it could be raining or even worse, snowing. I remember visiting houses on Halloween covered by a large, black garbage bag, to keep off the rain and sleet. Gee mom, thanks! Hard to see the princess costume through that!

We used to try and sneak out before mom caught us, and wrapped us up tight until our costumes were no longer recognizable! It never worked. My mother had five kids, eyes in the back of her head and spider sense. Necessary tools when raising that many kids.

The truth is, with that many kids, we never had storebought costumes. We had to make do with what we could find around the house. Despite that, I never once went trick-or-treating dressed as a good little Mormon girl in her Sunday best. I did go as a gypsy, wearing my mom’s old skirt, a bandanna around my head, and big hoop earrings made from string and canning jar lids.

Since I went without costumes as a child, I was determined that my OWN children would not. Their first few Halloweens were spent in costumes from Disney, that I might have been able to buy cheaper by hopping a plane and flying to California to get personally–Tinkerbell, Cinderella, Cruella DeVille. A few years after THAT phase, I discovered that Wal-Mart and K-Mart have cute costumes that are cheap. The last few years, I have discovered that my mother was not as dumb as I thought. “Here, put on this garbage bag and paint your face white. Wow, don’t you look cute!”

My kids do not appreciate the new me. My wallet does. I spent about $4.50 on their costumes this year.

Back to Halloween in Utah. I’ve always been a little perplexed, though, by the way Utahns (read Mormons) embrace Halloween. Most of the Christian Churches around here do not celebrate the Pagan holiday, and in fact, usually hold other events like “Harvest” festivals.

Mormons don’t seem to have the same problem with Halloween, despite the fact that SATAN walks among them EVERY DAY! I’ve never heard so much referring to Satan as I do when I get emails from Mormons. They constantly tell me that Satan is VERY, VERY real, and he is working his ways on me BIG TIME. Don’t listen to Satan! He is sneaky! He is conniving.

I’ve always wondered how they differentiate “Satan” from the Holy Ghost? Hmmm? How do THEY know that it’s the Holy Ghost, and not the bad guy talking? They don’t wonder the same thing. They figure if it’s a pro-Mormon message, it’s the HG, and if it’s anti-Mormon, it’s Satan. Life is easy when you are Mormon. There are no gray zones.

Speaking of that, has anyone else noticed that if you switch a few letters around at the end, Satan becomes Santa? Just wondering. I’m sure people like Mormons–people that haven’t noticed the fact that if you remove ONE LETTER from Mormon, it becomes Moron–are not going to notice that. But I digress.

With the strong belief in Satan, why, when they believe LUCIFER is so real, do they LOVE Halloween, with its ghosts, ghouls, witches, and Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles? Hmm. Not sure that last one belongs. But you get my drift.

Satan is REAL! He walks among us. Be careful tonight! Watch for people saying Mormonism is NOT true. That’s how you can identify him. Other than that, you’re on your own.

Trick or Treat!

I posted about the Donny Osmond web site, web groups, web whatever, quite a while back. I followed a link at www.exmormon.org a while back, and found the Osmond site, and it was a boring news day. So I posted a few of their conversion stories, because it appears hordes of people from England converted to Mormonism because of the Osmonds, and frankly, that’s pretty darned interesting.

WELL, a few of them JUST found my blog. And boy are they POed. So, just to set the record straight, I must say, I actually LIKE Donny Osmond. I just think some of his behavior, i.e., multilevel marketing scams and using his celebrity to ensnare other people into said MLMs, is a bit sketchy.

But as far as talent goes, he has quite a bit, both in the acting and singing areas. Watched him in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Raincoat. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

Now, let’s see what the Donny fans had to say.

Just an observer Says:

October 27th, 2006 at 4:27 am e
Rebecya Says:

June 25th, 2006 at 9:27 am
So many FAT people and another place where they go is this OPOSITIVE which is for O- overweighted Osmond fans!

*****ONLY SOMEONE WHO IS AN OSMOND FAN WOULD KNOW ABOUT OPOSITIVE****** You must be as two-faced as they come.

Other than that, as an Osmond fan I will attest that most fans do become familiar with the LDS religion because of the Osmonds. Many join because of the Osmonds. I did my 70’s investigation. Didn’t convert because I found no truth to the teachings.

First of all, Rebecya, I did not EVER state the above quote. I feel a should clarify that you are QUOTING someone else’s comment, because as a “far more round than I care to be” person, I am careful about pointing “fat fingers” at anyone. I also don’t know what O-Positive is, and frankly thought it was a support group for people with rare blood. Guess not.

Observer #2 Says:

October 27th, 2006 at 12:30 pm e

Okay, I have had my good laugh of the day, at all the stupidity of the people on here (with the exception of Just an observer. Kudos to you Just.

I, for one, am LDS and proud of it. Only those who know nothing about the Church call it a cult. And if you really investigated the church you will know the real reason why the plural marriages started and why they ended. And I DID NOT join because I am a Donny fan, quite the opposite. I joined becuase it was the right Church for me. The Osmonds are very good Missionaries for the Church, although yes, there were fans who joined only because they were Osmond “fans”, and not for the right reasons.

And as for O-Positive again you couldn’t be any more ignorant in your opinions. Not everyone on that site is fat, quite the opposite. And we are there as friends FIRST!, Osmond fans second. Obviously you had no friends there which is why you didn’t fit in. You are the one with no life or you wouldn’t spend so much time bashing others. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

Well, YOU Observer, are FAR from observant, and you should probably WATCH who you are calling stupid. You wrote:

Only those who know nothing about the Church call it a cult.

Uh, no. I would hazard a guess that I know more about Mormonism, the history of Mormonism, the actual beliefs, and gospel doctrine, than you have ever cared to know. If you want to go head to head on issues, come back and talk. Otherwise, go stick your head back in the sand, or wherever it is you have it stuck. Many, many people have researched the Mormon Church completely and positively, and it DOES fit the definitions of a cult. Sorry you don’t like it, but get used to it.

And if you really investigated the church you will know the real reason why the plural marriages started and why they ended.

Really? Tell me WHY. Can you? I CAN tell you why. Because Joseph Smith got a bit of a God-complex, and decided that he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, with WHOEVER he wanted, and justify it by using God’s name and his position as PROPHET. If you are buying into the old story that there weren’t enough MEN to go around, you need to go back and research the demographics of the era, and you will discover that is ENTIRELY false.

And I DID NOT join because I am a Donny fan, quite the opposite. I joined becuase it was the right Church for me. The Osmonds are very good Missionaries for the Church, although yes, there were fans who joined only because they were Osmond “fans”, and not for the right reasons.

Spoken like someone who joined the church because of the Osmonds. It’s obvious you don’t know or understand the doctrines or tenets, or you would directly address them instead of coming here and making blanket statements.

And, finally, there was THIS little dandy.

And as for O-Positive again you couldn’t be any more ignorant in your opinions. Not everyone on that site is fat, quite the opposite. And we are there as friends FIRST!, Osmond fans second. Obviously you had no friends there which is why you didn’t fit in. You are the one with no life or you wouldn’t spend so much time bashing others. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

What opinions? I never MADE any comments on this group, as I have already stated. I never TRIED to fit in there, because I have NEVER been there.

Get your facts straight. I know, I know, it’s hard to see things straight with your head stuck in the sand. I suggest pulling it out.

You know, as New Jersey gives homosexual partners full rights under the law, just like heterosexual married partners, it occurs to me that I have never really understood how GAY marriage threatens the “sacred” nature of straight marriage. (That may not be the official term, but that’s really what it is, right?)

I’ve heard the outcry, about how legalizing gay marriage will threaten the sanctity of ALL marriages. It boggles the mind. I mean, really, if you are GAY, you are gay. The only BAD thing I have ever seen come from gay people legally marrying straight people is when they FINALLY accept that they are gay and abandon their families, TEARING apart and destroying lives that NEVER would have been torn apart had the gay person not been forced to HIDE their real sexuality. Is this the aim of not allowing them to marry each other?

Because, let’s face it. If you ARE NOT GAY, you aren’t suddenly going to decide to marry someone of the same sex. The “gay recruitment” agenda I’ve heard some morons speak of is so ridiculous, that it should be it should be the definition of “stupid” in the dictionary.

Either you ARE gay, or you aren’t. The only confusion in sexuality comes when people say being gay is this HORRENDOUS sin and an abberation of nature. Then, damn straight you are going to be questioning your sexuality and trying to force your round self in the square box.

Who wants to be an abberation of nature? Well, except maybe that Rush Limbaugh guy. And Jared Leto. And probably Tom Cruise, but since he has solved all the words problems, you’d have a hard time convincing HIM of that.

So again, I ask, WHERE does the threat come from? Does the Religious Right think people are lemmings, with no ability to think or reason? Don’t answer that. It’s on their Christmas list.

The truth is, LEGALIZING gay marriage is NOT going to drive hordes of formerly heterosexual people into gay relationships. Because THAT IS NOT THE WAY IT WORKS. Please. I ask Rush Limbaugh, “if we legalize gay marriage, are you going to propose to Howard Stern? Enquiring minds want to know?”

I ask Orrin Hatch, “So, if we legalize gay marriage, does this mean you and Michael Jackson will be hooking up?”

No? Then again, I ask HOW DOES GAY MARRIAGE THREATEN STRAIGHT MARRIAGE?

Please, someone, give me a good reason. GIVE ME A LEGITIMATE ARGUMENT, besides, “It says so in the Bible.”

I’m waiting….

I know, I know, no shocker. We all know that Mormons believe that one of the Brethren will be elected president, and supposedly save the United States. With Mitt Romney, that prophecy has been ringing LOUDLY in the ears of all active Mormons, as for the first time in history, it is POSSIBLE he actually has a chance. Or did. I think that chance is gone now.

Since the LDS hierarchy here RUNS Utah, they are used to doing pretty much whatever they want. Sometimes, apparently, that makes them a little cocky and they aren’t as careful.

For example, it is a MAJOR faux pas (the IRS does not weigh on it lightly) to get involved in politics. And yet, as the Boston Globe revealed this week, there is a campaign being run out of BYU to garner support and lots and lots of moolah for Mitt Romney’s presidential run.

The LDS Church is issuing rapid denials and claims they had no knowledge of the plan. They are quickly closing ranks and pointing fingers at individuals, to take the actual CHURCH out of the hot seat. Nothing new there, either.

A church spokesman said last week that it was nonsense to suggest church leaders were working in any way to aid Romney’s political campaign, adding that Hinckley did not know of the Romney initiative to build a nationwide network of Mormon supporters.

But a Sept. 8 e-mail from Romney’s Utah-based political consultant, Don Stirling, states that Hinckley and James E. Faust, the church’s third-highest ranking leader, knew about the effort from another church leader, Jeffrey R. Holland, who had been in close consultation with Romney operatives about it.

It is my personal belief that the Church MAY have gone too far this time, despite their current back-pedaling and attempts to cover up any hierarchy involvement.

The Tribune has a fairly accurate recounting of the events, and also mentions the trouble the LDS hierarchy may find themselves in–particularly from the IRS.

Despite their claims of neutrality, the LDS Church has NEVER been neutral in politics. Anyone who has resided in Utah for even one nano-second is aware that they have a very heavy hand when it comes to controlling local policies. And when it suits them, national ones, too, ergo the huge amounts of money given to defeat passage of any laws that allow homosexual marriages.

But here in Utah? Why, we even ask the Church before we change our liquor laws. And where else could a religious entity BUY an entire STREET, and close it off to the public? Yup, Salt Lake City sold a portion of Main Street to the LDS Church a few years back. Rome, maybe. Mormons have some Catholic-envy. They want their own little Vatican. Mormonican?

At any rate, the plan to get Romney elected will undoubtedly backfire in a big way. Even if LDS Inc. walks away unscathed, Romney will not.

People are going to be taking a long hard look at him and his campaign.

And that means taking an EVEN LONGER and HARDER look at Mormonism. Does the LDS Hierarchy REALLY want that, especially when they are encouraging their missionaries to “lie for the Lord” and dodge the tough issues asked of them by investigators.

It will be interesting to see how it plays out.

My belief is that Mitt Romney will withdraw his bid for presidency in the next few months.

Amongst some of the levity and antics in the last set of comments, a little Mormon snideness snuck in. You’ll remember we were discussing the prevaricating nature of certain Mormon General Authorities, in particular one Gene R. Cooke, who claims to have given Mick Jagger a good tongue lashing about morality and such on a commercial jet back in 1988. Most of us are pretty sure Gene has a case of Paul Dunn-itis. In other words, he’s doing some Lying for the Lord.

But, our friend Dave said (while not addressing the actual story or comments, by the way):

Good thing you guys are all so nice and uplifting. I really felt better after listening to all of you complain and tear down. Good job guys, keep it up!

Why spend so much time and energy holding a grudge, or trying to destroy. Just let it go. It’s not worth it. Just be happy and let these people be.

Let yourself be.

Of course, I immediately knew Dave was a Mormon. Duh. Don’t address the issues, just accuse people, in a roundabout way, of not “leaving the church alone.” You can say it any way you want, I’ve heard it before. So I did a little snooping. And I found Dave is a 25-year-old BYU Student. Duh.

I also found out this:

Interests:

Arts/Writing: Photography, Song-writing, Writing Poetry
Hobbies: Clubbing, Cooking, Going to Parties, Listening to Music, Reading, Traveling, Watching Movies
Instrument Playing: Drums/Percussion
Languages: English, French, Italian, Other Language, Spanish
Music: Alternative, Dance/Club, Punk, Rock, Techno, Trance
Politics: Republican
Religion: Christian, Mormon
Sports: Basketball, Bodyboarding, Bowling, Camping, Football, Jet Skiing, Mountain Biking, Sailing, Scuba Diving, Skateboarding, Skiing, Snowboarding, Soccer, Surfing, Tennis, Volleyball

CLUBBING? PARTYING? Mormons do not go CLUBBING, Dave! Do your church leaders know this? Sheesh. Anyway, our eclectic friend Dave means well, I’m sure, so I wrote him this nice letter.

Dear Dave,

This is NOT the uplifting blog. Nowhere in my disclaimer (uh, do I have a disclaimer?) do I claim to be here to spiritually feed you. You have CHURCH for that. No, no, my purpose is to make you smile. Of course, it’s fairly rare that someone who is MORMON smiles when visiting my blog. At least someone who is a TRUE BELIEVING MORMON, at any rate. There are some ex-Mormons, and some Jack Mormons, and a few “Pretenders” among us, and they all smile, but no, real TBMs don’t smile here. If you are smiling here, you might want to check your temple recommend status. It could magically change like a Harry Potter gizmo.

That said, thanks for encouraging us. We needed that. We appreciate YOUR special spirit. We’re sorry for our grudge. What is our grudge again? Oh, never mind. I’m sure I’ll figure it out sooner or later. But you… hold to the rod, Dave. HOLD TIGHT. Don’t let go. HOLD TO THE ROD… er, uh, unless it’s someone else’s rod. In that case, I would recommend letting go. Or wait. If I remember right, there was a little bit of controversy about holding your OWN rod, too.

I’ll have you know I worked with a Rod during my time at the Salt Lake Tribune and he was ALL for being held. All the parts of him. Sorry. Got sidetracked.

Just for you, Dave, I have something very special. Yes, I found this little product. And when you are tempted to come back hear and be dragged down by the relentless negativity here, I suggest you just pull out your HOLD TO THE ROD LIP BALM and just SMEAR IT ALL OVER YOUR LIPS, and any other body part that needs some sunshine.

Here’s the product description:
Tuck a bit of love and sunshine into someone’s pocket with a unique lip balm. Quality ingredients pamper and protect, while fun and colorful packaging gets the message across. Order for family, friends, and youth groups. Put your heartfelt message on their lips again and again with Lip notes.