So I read about the woman who was fired from her Sunday School teaching job–which she had held for more than 50 years–because the church where she taught has a new pastor. And this pastor? He wants to return to a literal interpretation of the Bible. One of his first moves?

1 Timothy 2:11 -14 of the New Testament: “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.”

Wow. That damn Eve. She sure has caused a lot of problems for us women.

I would like to just say this is a case of Stick-Up-The-Ass-Itis-Supremist but there is always more to the story, so I did some digging. I discovered this pastor has made many changes that a small faction of the church did not support, and they were outspoken about those changes. They went to the media. This woman was one of those people.

Now, knowing what you know about her, would you REALLY be stupid enough to send her a letter stating she was being fired because she was a woman and could not teach men?

Good God, Pastor Timothy LaBouf, hand the woman a hand grenade and offer to pull the PIN for her!

Of course, Pastor LaBouf is backpedaling frantically. His basic excuse? I like women. I work with women. Women are great. Women should hold any job they want–except at my church.

Hmm. Here is LaBouf’s official response.

LaBouf said, in part:

I have a number of female acquaintances and friends that work in our business community, in the military and in other professional situations that I have always treated with respect and with the utmost regards. I have supported many of them in their professional endeavors and will continue to conduct myself in the same manner.

I propose that if LaBouf is going to push a literal interpretation of the Bible, who should be forced to do it in EVERY aspect, and not just one that allows him to force women into submission. Whenever I read interpretations of the Bible, I see that some verses are taken literally, while others are figurative.

For example, take this passage: “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out,” (Matthew 5:29).

Taken literally, there would be a whole hell of a lot of ONE-EYED Christians running around. So they pretty much choose to take that one figuratively.

The problem comes because individuals, such as LaBouf, are deciding WHAT is literal and what is meant figuratively. And using their OWN interpretations. And since God isn’t here to speak for himself, well, the meanings can be a little muddied. Some, like the gouging eye thing, are easy to understand. If you take THAT one literally, it’s going to hurt.

Next time I see a picture of LaBouf, he better be missing that right eye…..

This weekend the Collins clan (Mr. C, Moi, Chatter Child and Dancing Daughter) went camping. Okay, it’s not really CAMPING per se. It is, in my book, but since there were people there in TENTS, I guess for some I don’t camp. I RECREATE.

I am one of the dreaded RV people.

Our trailer has a furnace, an air conditioner, a shower, a bathroom, and EVEN a MICROWAVE. Now, may I please just explain a few things. The microwave does not get used very much. Many of the places we go do not have hookups. And the generator will not run the microwave. So we don’t use it much. But it’s nice to know it’s there. It’s a great place to store bread products. Sort of like a super sealed bread box.

But the rest of the stuff? It gets used. I am waaaaaayyyy too old to be thinking that sleeping in a tent, in a sleeping bag, possibly on an air mattress, is fun. Air mattresses are notoriously unreliable. I know this to be fact. I have heard countless “air mattress poops out” stories. I have a few of my own. When the air deflates, you are inevitably left sleeping on six rocks. Very comfy. The next day, you find you have become Neanderthal Man. Walking like a Neanderthal is not cool. Walking that way because of an air mattress that malfunctioned is SOOO not cool. Thinking that something made up of plastic and AIR is going to support you–and paying for that something? REALLY not cool.

Speaking of not cool, tents are not cool. The person who came UP with the idea of tents should be… Oh. Er. Well, never mind. But my point is, I have a trailer, and I am sleeping in it. I love nature. I also love being sheltered from nature. Up close, but not quite so personal. I figure I’ve earned it. Four straight years of dirty diapers will do that to a girl.

We did the tent thing, with babies, oh so many years ago. Big mistake. Hate tents. Get hives just seeing one. Yes, yes, I know tents build moral fibre and create wonderful memories for children. We have one of those damned tents. We just don’t use it much.

So, we went to Flaming Gorge, and the weather was pretty good. In fact, for the first time in a long time, the regular afternoon thunderstorms did not roll in, any of the three days we were there.

In the site ACROSS from us, we had tenters. Directly east of them were more tenters. The rest of the campground was filled with RVers. I like to imagine Tenters coming in all arrogant and filled with a zest for nature and sleeping under the stars. Never mind they drove up in their pollution-spewing DODGE RAM with a HEMI, complete with DVD player. They were getting back to the basics.

In my mind, back to the basics means you are HIKING 400 miles and setting up your tent at the end of that long, eventful and tragic journey. It makes it easier to say, “HELL NO, I am NOT doing that. Are you smoking crack?” It does not involve driving up in the DODGE with the DVD PLAYER and the HEMI. You people are no better than me! Get over yourselves.

This weekend, as we discussed the tent people, Mr. C said that he missed sleeping in a tent. I told him to go for it. “More power to you. Next time bring the tent. I’ll be in the trailer, watching LEGALLY BLONDE.”

Tent people get up early. Mostly because they have LIVED THROUGH THE NIGHTMARE of the night in a tent, and they want to escape it and beat their chests and pretend they are BACK to nature. Of course, the truth is, THEY are BACK troubled, because they slept on an air mattress that deflated in the middle of the night. Or it rained, and everything they OWN is wet. No one slept. The kids are cranky. The dog is cranky. They are in a tent. The dog is looking around, thinking, “What is UP with you people? Where is the fucking hot tub?”

The last night we were there, around 4 a.m. (Mr. C says it was precisely 4:25 a.m., since he checked his watch) a lightning storm rolled through. We know this because, even in a trailer, there are still vulnerabilities. It woke us up. Can you imagine how the tent people felt? Not only that, but TWO of those tent people were “under the stars” people. No tent. Just a tarp. Two sleeping bags. What is UP with that? Do they think the pioneers had TARPS? Advance people! What is so cool about regression? Anyway, back to the story.

An awning out, during a rain and windstorm, is one of those vulnerabilities that trailers have.

I have been PHYSICALLY lifted, holding the awning, during one such storm at the Gorge. It was like flying. The children still tell stories about Mom being lifted by the awning. They also tell that horrible “rolling the four-wheeler” story, but we won’t go there today. Storms at the Gorge move in quick, and fast, and they can be rather wicked. So, when the wind whipped up, and the lightning started, Mr. C and I went out and pulled the awning up, then retired back into our trailer.

And then he started to chuckle. I said, “What?”

He said, “Those two guys out there, sleeping under the stars. Getting back to nature. Bet they are in their tents now.”

So here’s to the Granola people who chuckle at those of us in RVs. While YOU are sleeping in your tent, I am on a bed. I get up and walk to my BATHROOM and do not worry that a SNAKE is going to rear up (he he) and bite my ass as I pee in the woods. And if I got a hankering for microwave popcorn? I could HAVE IT. I could so have it…. If my generator was just a little bit bigger….

This is a poignant post by Ted Cox (Bruin Exmo), whose brother Jared recently died. It’s very well written, and I found the middle ground he managed to find–the death of an agnostic brother, Mormon family, finding peace for everybody–quite poignant. Make sure you visit Ted’s blog. It’s also well-written and poignant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday afternoon. The room is as quiet as, well, a funeral home. Which makes sense, since Mom, Dad, their respective Mormon Bishops, the funeral home director and I (me?), have gathered to discuss Jared’s arrangements. Rod, the director, has had this talk thousands of times. The two bishops have overseen a handful of funerals in the past. Mom and Dad have dealt with at least two funerals each. This is the first time for me. Not only is it my first time, but it’s for my best friend, my pal, my little brother.

Rod is familiar with Mormon burial traditions, and he asks outright, “Will Jared be buried in the temple robes?” Without hesitation, Mom and Dad, who haven’t agreed on anything since the divorce, each say, “Yes.”

“Actually,” I interrupt, my voice surprisingly bold, “I have a strong objection to that.” This is the moment I have been dreading since I flew into town. Everyone stops and looks at me, a lone non-believer surrounded by the Lord’s chosen people.

For Mormons that have participated in sacred temple ceremonies, it is tradition to be buried wearing the temple robes. They consist of a white robe draped over the right shoulder, a white cap worn on the head, and a green apron tied around the waist. The symbolism of the robes has never been fully understood to Mormons, as the clothing was copied, along with the ceremonies themselves, from old Masonic rites. However, it is believed these robes are sacred in nature.

“I don’t believe Jared’s final wishes would be for him to buried in clothing that symbolizes affiliation with the Mormon Church,” I continue sympathetically, looking back and forth to Mom and Dad. “Jared was agnostic, a non-believing, non-practicing Mormon at best. He drank, he smoked. Nothing in his lifestyle would indicate that he wanted anything to do with the church. I consulted several of Jared’s closest friends, and none of us feel he would have wanted to be dressed that way.”

The room is still silent. They are listening, at least. I deliver my final argument. “Lets pretend in a few years I convert to Islam. Mom, Dad, when you die, how would you like it if I buried you in Muslim clothing?” Nobody says a word. I don’t want to turn this into a fight. All I can do is speak my mind and let it be.

Rod says, “I’m a neutral party, the decision is up to the family.” He hesitates for a moment. “Will you be burying him in the robes?”

Dad replies, “Yes.” Deep inside I am fucking livid, but remain calm. I smile and imagine dressing his corpse with a burqa.

Rod turns to my Mom. She says, “I dont know,” and Dad shoots her The Stare. I feel proud of her, yet guilty at the same time. My words have put her in a terrible position: she is caught between her own faith, my overbearing zealous father, and me and what I feel Jared would have wanted. Is there a way to make everybody happy?

The group agrees to move on to more pressing issues, such as the casket, transportation of the body, and of course, the cost. The clothing question surfaces twice again before my mother says she has to think about it.

We adjourn the meeting and walk outside. One of the Bishops, a wise man our family has known for years, says to me “It would have been wrong for you to not say anything.”

I pull my dad aside and ask to speak with him. I need to smooth things over and let him know this isn’t about my personal feelings about the church, but am shocked when he thanks me for what I said. He tells me the robes aren’t for Jared, but for him and Mom. It is important for them that their son is buried in clothing symbolic of Mormon beliefs like eternal families and life after death. This raises an important question: How much of a funeral is for the deceased, and how much of it is for the living?

The next day Mom thinks she may have found a compromise: bury Jared in white, symbolizing his goodness, but place the folded robes inside a packet in the coffin, in case he needs them. I am ecstatic. I couldn’t think of a better solution.

The day of the funeral the family meets inside one of the chapel rooms before the services. Dad places the robe packet neatly inside the coffin and says a final, heart-wrenching goodbye to his son. But before he did that, I had slipped a packet of Camel Wides into Jared’s shirt pocket and a flask of Courvoisier into his left hand.

So if the time comes, Jared will have whatever he needs. If he sees a ball of light descending from the sky, he can toss aside the smokes and flask and slip on the robes. How I would love to see my bro in that ridiculous green apron, sipping from the flask with a lit cigarette hanging between his fingers.

I’ve decided that Mondays will be GCC Touring Day, sort of like Family Home Evening, but without Mormon Scriptures. And screaming kids. And prayer. There will be no praying. That way, those of you who come here for Trapped updates will know that Mondays are usually tour days. Usually. Everything is fluid here on the Trapped blog. I ain’t promising anything.

But back to the subject at hand. Today’s guest is Diana Peterfreund. Diana is the author of Secret Society Girl. Those of us living behind the Zion Curtain are VERY familiar with Secret Societies. Oh, yes we are. But Diana’s seems a lot more interesting than the goings on here.

Secret Society Girl takes us into the heart of the Ivy League’s ultra-exclusive secret societies when a young woman is invited to join as one of their first female members.

Elite Eli University junior Amy Haskel never expected to be tapped into Rose & Grave, the country’s most powerful–and notorious–secret society. She isn’t rich, politically connected, or…well, male.

So when Amy receives the distinctive black-lined invitation with the Rose & Grave seal, she’s blown away. Could they really mean her?

Whisked off into an initiation rite that’s a blend of Harry Potter and Alfred Hitchcock, Amy awakens the next day to a new reality and a whole new set of “friends”–from the gorgeous son of a conservative governor to an Afrocentric lesbian activist whose society name is Thorndike. And that’s when Amy starts to discover the truth about getting what you wish for. Because Rose & Grave is quickly taking her away from her familiar world of classes and keggers, fueling a feud, and undermining a very promising friendship with benefits. And that’s before Amy finds out that her first duty as a member of Rose & Grave is to take on a conspiracy of money and power that could, quite possibly, ruin her whole life.

A smart, sexy introduction to the life and times of a young woman in way over her head, Secret Society Girl is a charming and witty debut from a writer who knows her turf–and isn’t afraid to tell all….

I think Diana’s book sounds FASCINATING and I can’t wait to read it.

Now, onto the Trapped questions.

1. If you had to be “Trapped” somewhere, where would it be?

Probably in my parents’ house in Florida, because they have a great wine cellar, and awesome movie collection, wireless, a lot of space and several bathrooms, and a pool and hot tub. Plus, it’s my home and my loved ones are there.

2. If you could pick your “Trapped” companions, what three people would you want with you, and why?

My partner, because I love him and he’s fun (and useful). After that, there are so many other options! Probably people I can spend hours and hours talking to and not get tired, like my best friend and her husband.

3. If you could only pick five books to be “Trapped” with, what would they be?

The Count of Monte Cristo, The Bible (if I were trapped, I’d finally have an excuse to sit and read the whole thing!), The Collected Works of William Shakespeare, The Collected Works of Jorge Borges, The Brother’s Grimm. That should give me a lot of reading material and a good variety.

4. What ONE famous person would you absolutely NOT want to be “Trapped” with?

I’m going for the obvious here and saying Osama bin Laden, because he’s crazy and hateful, and the dialysis machine would be a hassle. Plus, his presence would almost ensure that we wouldn’t be untrapped any time soon, since he’s apparently impossible to find.

5. You can bring three things from your “former” life to “Trapped.” What would those three things be?

DVD and collection, How to Cook Everything Cookbook, computer and wireless connection.

6. Where is one place you absolutely would NOT want to be “Trapped.”

The Baltimore airport. I was trapped there once and I hated it. I get flashbacks every time I go back.

Great answers, and thanks for visiting, Diana!

Hello again Trappees. I regularly astound people, and it just makes me so damn happy. I always wanted to be the kind of person who was astounding.

My friend Tim, who apparently was quite bored and tired of making up Internet acronyms, came to my site, and then pointed out Ben’s comment to me. And of course, I must answer Ben, because he apparently WANTS an answer from the Astounding Natalie.

So, here we go.

Ben VerHoef Says:

August 10th, 2006 at 12:22 pm e

I happened to come across this website and I am astounded by the lack of information most of the people who have posted a blog have on the LDS church. To say that only 60 people were killed after the extermination order on the saints is to be ignorant of the facts or incapable of researching. The number of saints killed, raped, assaulted, or left for dead are far more than 60 before, and after the order. And that is not mentioning the untold millions of dollars in property and goods the saints lost to ravenous mobs in and around Missouri. The exact number is too great to document in this type of setting, but it would be smart to do your homework more efficiently before writing false claims and information about a religion. There are several other discrepancies on this site that are too numerous to counter, which is why the mormons don’t get up in arms when they are persecuted or hear horrible things said about them. They won’t waste time trying to correct false rumors or accusations because people will think what they want to think. It is better to try to spread their message of hope and peace to others without “convincing” them as someone wrote, but giving our message peacefully and leaving it up to the individual to pray and decide for his/herself.

Oh, for God’s sake, Ben, do I HAVE to go over this again? You just SAYING it is false doesn’t make it FALSE. Any more than you just SAYING the Mormon Church is TRUE makes it true. Give me some facts, please.

I would like you to back up your facts. Give me PROOF that more than 60 Mormons were killed.

You said:

The exact number is too great to document in this type of setting, but it would be smart to do your homework more efficiently before writing false claims and information about a religion.

HELLO? The exact number is too great to document? Let’s see. 60. Sixty. Siiiiiixty. Nope, not that hard to type. I can even add a 0. 600. Six Hundred. Doesn’t take THAT much space. Want another one? 6000. 600,000. 600,000,000. I CAN DO THAT in very little space. The truth is, YOU CAN’T refute my facts, so you are trying to hide the fact in disparaging comments like “do your homework.” YOU do your homework. Any idiot can see you have no idea what you are talking about.

In addition, please note that the Mormons were not just sitting there, all innocent and knitting and petting kittens, when the nasty Missourians descended upon them.

This was a WAR. The Mormons had been told that Missouri was their promised land, and they very arrogantly set about claiming it. They pretty much DECLARED the war, and it was cemented by Sidney Rigdon, who delivered an oration that set the Missourians on edge, and prepared to fight for their land and their lives.

In fact, Brigham Young said of Rigdon, “Elder Rigdon was the prime cause of our troubles in Missouri by his fourth of July oration.” (Times and Seasons, vol. 5, page 667)

Rigdon’s speech said, in part:

“And that mob that comes on us to disturb us, it shall be between us and them a war of extermination; for we will follow them until the last drop of their blood is spilled; or else they will have to exterminate us, for we will carry the seat of war to their own houses and their own families, and one party or the other shall be utterly destroyed.”–
Comprehensive History of the Church, vol. 1, page 441

Noted Mormon Historian, B.H. Roberts, said, nearly 50 years later:

“…the deliverance of a very noted ‘Oration’ by Sidney Rigdon at Far West, on the Fourth of July, 1838, in the course of which there was expressed a strong determination to no more submit quietly to mob violence, and acts of pillage. At this distance of time from that occasion, and balancing against the heated utterances of the speaker the subsequent uses made of them to incite the public mind to that series of acts which culminated in the expulsion of the Saints from the state, we say those utterances were untimely, extreme, and unwise. So indeed they were. The speaker seems to have thrown discretion to the winds, and in the fervor of his rhetoric made threats of retaliation on behalf of the Saints.”

Now, I realize that in war, there are two sides. I believe the Mormons were the instigators, and have provided facts to support that claim, and still, I would say to Ben, “sure, there was death, and there was a loss of goods and properties. BOTH WAYS, Ben.”

Talk about a lack of facts. You haven’t provided ONE fact, or one source. I, the Astounding Natalie, have provided many. And can provide more, should you desire.

Ben said:

The exact number is too great to document in this type of setting.

Please. Only because you CAN’T! No one is fooled by your roundabout dismissal of my comments, without fact or foundation. This, of course, was cemented when you encouraged people to JUST PRAY ABOUT IT.

Get a grip. If you want to point out what you claim are lies, you better be prepared to back them up with fact. I’d be happy to listen. Until then, I might be tempted to say to Ben, “GET YOUR LYING ASS OFF MY BLOG.” But I won’t. Because I am the Astounding Natalie.

While I don’t take kindly to being accused of lying, I understand that people have their illusions and many wallow in those illusions, and have no idea how to deal with reality. It makes no sense? Good God, we better pray!

I have no reason to lie. I do, however, have reason to tell it like it is.

And Ben is just proof of that.