The very lovely and gracious Alana Morales is here with us today on Trapped, and if you have ever been, or will ever be, a stay-at-home mom, you have got to check out her book, Domestically Challenged. (I think she saw my life and immediately knew what the title would be! In the Collins household, ironing is against our religion.) What I also want to know is, WHERE WAS THIS BOOK when I was attempting “stay-at-home-hood.” My hood was a frightening place. I needed this book. ALANA, where was the book? Huh? Huh? Okay, I’ll quit.

Alana is also the co-host of Momwriters Talk Radio, and a very gracious host at that. I was lucky enough to be interviewed for the show, which Alana hosts with Paula Schmitt, and it was awesome.

Anyway, ON to the questions.

If you had to be “Trapped” somewhere, where would it be?

On the LOST island - it’s beautiful and quiet. Never mind the “others” or killer island polar bears.

If you could pick your “Trapped” companions, what three people would you want with you, and why?

Well, my first instinct would be to say my family - I love them too much. Otherwise, I would say my husband (he’s my best friend and I would miss his companionship), The Rock (he is yummy - not sure how that would work with my husband being there) and either Emeril or Rachel Ray - they can create a meal out of anything and I can’t cook to save my life. At least then we would eat well.

If you could only pick five books to be “Trapped” with, what would they be?
To Kill A Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, Little Earthquakes, The Sword of Shannara and The Lord of the Rings

What ONE famous person would you absolutely NOT want to be “Trapped” with?

Nicole Ritchie or any other celeb that is that incredibly shallow and dumb. I can’t stand being around dumb stuck up people.

You can bring three things from your “former” life to “Trapped.” What would those three things be?

My laptop, my college class ring (my late grandfather picked it out for me) and my favorite ASU t-shirt. It’s silly, but it has become a comfort item for me when I get stressed.

Where is one place you absolutely would NOT want to be “Trapped.”

Anyplace hot. I live in AZ and it is way too hot to do anything all summer - it drives me nuts.

So, there you have it. I really, really thought Alana was going to say she did NOT want to be trapped with FrankTom or StepfordKat, but maybe that’s just MY obsession.

Thanks for coming to visit trapped, Alana!

At the end here, is where I attempt to upload her book cover, and not have it turn out MINISCULE. It appears I am also blog-challenged.

as well as domestically challenged. Wish me luck.

It’s a glorious day for Weenie Rat Face, since the BEAST aka the government, has upgraded his fugitive status to make him one of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Fugitives, alongside his buddy, fellow polygamist Osama Bin Ladin.

Since he has had nothing but total disregard and disdain for the Federal Government and the laws of the land for years, I suspect this just makes him as happy as Tom Green at an all girls school junior high picnic.

Thanks to Trappee azteclady for the tip.

Okay, not really, but DAMN did Suyo give me a heart attack when she walked up to my booksigning table at Barnes and Noble in Sugarhouse this afternoon. Yup, she introduced herself as GAYLE RUZICKA. I didn’t know whether to bolt for the nearest exit screaming bloody murder or jump across the table and BITCHSLAP her!

Luckily for both of us, it took me but a few seconds to figure out that this was NOT Ruzicka (there was no anal pucker to her lips and the stick-up-the-ass was noticeably missing). Only took me another few seconds to figure out it was jokester Suyo.

But man, for a minute there, she REALLY got my heart going….

I know you people think I make this shit up, but I assure you I do not.

Today I had a booksigning at the Borders in the Crossroads Mall. Since I don’t live really close to Salt Lake City, and I spend most of time with my head buried in deadline hell, I was sort of oblivious to the fact that the Crossroads Mall pretty much does NOT exist anymore. There is nothing there, as far as I could see, except for Borders and Nordstroms. Everyone else has packed up and gone fishing. All the stores were closed up with those metal gates over the fronts, and signs of their relocation on the walls, and only a few people wandered through the doors, from time to time.

Perplexed by the ghost town status of the mall, I called my sister, who gave me the skinny.

Seems the Mormons BOUGHT the Crossroads Mall, and are now systematically kicking everyone out so they can give it a “makeover.” They also own the ZCMI Center across the street, which pretty much gives them a monopoly of about three blocks. What’s next? When I started researching, I also discovered they bought the Triad Center, too, and it’s starting to get a little freaky, especially when you consider that SLC is only about 45 percent Mormon, as opposed to much of Utah.

Are they trying to build their own little Vatican so they can continue to rule all matters in Utah? Is it only a short time before LDS Inc. will have it’s own zip code? And what was I thinking, agreeing to a signing there? Note to self: Next time, DO RESEARCH.

Why does this stuff always surprise me? Needless to say, my signing was not a huge success. After all, there is no mall traffic. Just stray visitors coming in from across the street where they visit Temple Square. While the tourists don’t mind me, the faithful do not love me.

Still, the Borders employees were very, very nice, and I chatted for a good half hour with a Trailways Bus Driver named Roland (Hey, Roland! Here’s a shout out to you!) and also a nice lady, formerly from Utah, now living in Hong Kong, both of whom bought my book. I also got a chance to meet the owner of the Mormon Curtain Web site, Michael Hoenie, and that was cool.

More than one Temple Square devotee picked my book up and read the back, then put it down with a “hmmph.” I have heard this “hmmph” before, and know how to interpret it. It’s the “you are a heathen anti-Christ anti-Mormon” hmmph.

I walked through the mall before I left, and I have to tell you, it was a very sad sight. Thank God my next signing, tomorrow at 1 p.m., is in Sugarhouse. So far, the Church hasn’t spread that far…..

There are times, especially lately, when I become my mother. Of course, those times are rare. After all, I am Natalie R. Collins. And, as most of you know, Grandma Collins is straight-edged, non-swearing, Triple-combination toting believing Mormon.

I, on the other hand, am the anti-Christ, at least if you believe some of my email.

However, today, when Dancing Daughter gave me that face–you know, the scrunched-up-clenched-lip-squinty-eyed-you-are-the-meanest-human-alive-face–I wanted to spout off with a Grandma Collins-ism, effectively becoming my mother. The ism was probably the one about DD’s face staying that way, although I don’t remember for sure.

And of course, I knew her face wasn’t going to stay that way, and that was just a threat used by mothers for centuries to terrify their children. My mother was just repeating it. And I in turn, am doing the same. In short, it’s a scrunched-up-clenched-lip-squinty-eyed-you-are-the-meanest-human-alive-face-LIE. Lie. LIE.

I’ve made plenty of faces in my life, and at no point did my face ever stay that way.

But as mothers, we are often FORCED to resort to lies to keep our children in line, and, sometimes, to keep them from jumping off tall bridges in despair. Even when you know your child might be right, and they might be a hopeless nerd, they are YOUR baby. How do you tell them that? You don’t. Instead, you lie.

My honest-to-the-core Mormon mother is still a mother, and so she told a few of these loving lies. And here are a few of them. (Please note: she meant well. They are really little WHITE lies… Most of them. At least the ones she KNEW were lies. Or accepted were lies. Oh, please, I’ll just stop now.)

1. If you eat the crust off your bread your hair will get curly. This lie backfired for many reasons, the least of which was I did not have any desire to have curly hair. True, I did not really love my thin, fine blonde hair, but for some reason, curly did not sound all that appealing. Plus I’ve always been a skeptic. Even at six, I could see there was no link between flour and water and curly hair.

2. That white stuff on your plate is NOT a vegetable, but rather little ice cream cones. Hello? Cauliflower? I still cannot believe you tried that one, Mom.

3. The Mormon Church is the only true Church. This one is a tough one, since Mom believes this to be true, today, this hour, even now, with all of her very big heart. Love ya, Mom, but Joe had some ulterior motives. The Church history is sketchy. And why has it never occurred to you that you are dissing every OTHER religion when you say you have the ONLY true one? Why can’t you understand why they are hesitant to EMBRACE you, because you don’t embrace them?

4. Boys will not buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. I have known plenty of girls who gave the milk away and the guys STILL bought the cow. Guys are known for that. Flash a little thigh, some cleavage, and they’ll buy an entire HERD of cows. True, at times, too much giving of the milk and it does go sour, hence Anna Nicole Smith’s current situation, but for the most part, occasional giving away of the milk is only seen as generosity by the male species. Sorry, but it’s true.

5. If you pay your tithing, you will be blessed and you’ll get more back than you gave. I wore enough hand-me-down clothes growing up to know THIS one was not true. However, I am a big fan of karma. I really believe that what goes around comes around. If you fuck enough people up, you will get yours in the end. Is this what they were really trying to say? Whoa, I better go back to church…

6. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Please.

7. I accept your decision to leave the Church. This is never accepted. There is always that little hope, that little niggling of belief that you will return, because, of course THE CHURCH IS TRUE and it is THE ONLY TRUE CHURCH and you will someday realize this, if only they pray enough, and put your name in the temple enough. It’s more than a little sad to me that my mother has this hope, and yet I understand her well enough to know it is there. And I also know I have disappointed her in some deep way that I can never rectify. Of course, the fact that she has disappointed me, too, will never occur to her. As successful as I am, as much as I do, I will never be as cool to my parents as I would be if I were, say, a General Authority in the LDS Church. Of course, I could never REACH that position, because I am female. Aim lower. So, I also know I will never be as cool to my parents as I would be if I were, say, a bestselling Mormon book author. Oh well. My mother sent out a newsletter last Christmas, and she DID mention I was a writer. She did NOT mention what name I write under, or where you can find my books. C’est la vie. The fact she MENTIONED it was a coup. I guess.

8. God gave us all free agency. Truth is, in the Mormon world, God only gives and approves of your free agency if you CHOOSE THE RIGHT. The right means the Mormon way. The lie is that my mother really believes God gives free agency, but the only choice is the Mormon choice.

9. I will always love you no matter what you do. This is a tough one. I believe my mother and father love me. I do. But they certainly don’t accept my choices. Even now. My mom is great, but she would be so much happier if I would just go to Church, and embrace her religion. My dad is trying to live with it. He has to work at it every day. But he IS trying. But the only real thing that matters to them is the Church. And the fact that I don’t believe it sticks like a knife into their hearts. The fact that I write about Mormons that are less than ideal upsets them. The fact that these Mormons exist is something they try to ignore.

Is it easier to lie to yourself than to face reality? Is it easier to lie to your children than tell them that life sucks, and that there will always be problems, and fears, and angst?

I don’t lie to myself. But the sad truth is I try to shield my children from the harshest of life’s realities. I really don’t want to tell my daughters, “Your heart will be broken into a million pieces more times than you can count. But it never hurts as much as it does the first time. And you will never know why some breaks hurt more than others. Or why you can walk away from some, and dwell forever on others. You will always have regrets, no matter how often you advise others that they are futile and energy and time wasters. And you will always wonder, ‘what if?’ If you don’t wonder, ‘what if?’ you aren’t human or real.”

You know, maybe I will tell them that. Maybe, sometimes, the truth is better than the lie.