I put in a phone call this morning to my mother, but of course there was no answer. I imagine she’s at Church. I will touch base later, but in honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I’d revisit a popular past post and recount more of the lies my honest, triple-combination toting mother told me. Of course, they were gentle lies. She wasn’t TRYING to lie, but rather to ease the pain of broken hearts, following rules, and proper nutrition. Has anyone else noticed how painful proper nutrition is?
So, here we go:
1. That girl is only being mean because she is insecure. She is jealous of you.
Mom, that girl was mean because she was a bitch! She was never insecure. Some girls are just dirty-rotten mean. I’ve watched boys have knock-down drag-out fistfights and ten minutes later they are best friends again. Cross a mean girl, and you will be slowly back-stabbed to death–probably for the rest of your life. Girls are mean. It’s a wonder teenage females make it out of junior high and high school alive.
2. Don’t go swimming for at least an hour after you eat, or you will get cramps and die.
As far as I know, there is absolutely NO scientific basis for this belief. In fact, I can’t even think of ANY reason at all why it would be true, unless, say, you gorged yourself like people do on Thanksgiving. If you can’t get yourself up out of a chair, there is a possibility that you wouldn’t be able to save yourself while swimming, either, so I think my suggestion would be, “Don’t go swimming after Thanksgiving dinner.”
3. You must marry a worthy (read Mormon) man because only he can take you through the temple, and guarantee your eternal salvation.
See, I heard this one a LOT and not just from my mother. What they failed to point out was that I could not get to the CELESTIAL KINGDOM all on my own. I had to have this worthy man! They also didn’t dish out a lot of information about the Celestial Kingdom, but I heard a lot about how the TELESTIAL Kingdom would be. Just like Earth. I decided that was my lot in life pretty early on. I didn’t mind Earth. I liked it a lot, in fact. More reason why I never made a good Mormon.
4. When you go through the temple, they give you a secret name, and only your husband knows it. He will pull you through the veil using that name.
WORD! Guess what, Mom. Did you know that EVERYONE who goes through the temple on that day GETS THE SAME NAME? And of course, logically, there aren’t that many names, but they sure put a lot of emphasis on something pretty damn silly. Mormons really only have the Bible to pull upon for female names, since there are like THREE WOMEN mentioned by name in the Book of Mormon. Weird, isn’t it? Where are all the women in Nephi’s time, huh? Anyway, back to the name. What if the wrong woman answers the wrong man? Huh? I mean, if you are ALL CALLED DEBORAH, how is he supposed to know WHICH ONE he is pulling through? I imagine the scenario could be pretty funny. “Wow, I like this one better anyway. I think I’ll keep her.”
5. Women don’t have the priesthood, because they can have babies. Motherhood is the most glorious gift of all.
MOM, please. Women don’t have the priesthood because Joseph Smith was trying to keep women in their place. Hence, polygamy. “Ya want a virgin? Here, have three. Just accept this priesthood and all the women you want are YOURS.” And what of women who cannot have children? How do THEY get their due, huh? No priesthood, no babies. They might as well just shrivel up and die…. What a stupid statement.
6. All men are looking for their eternal mate. They won’t marry you if you have sex with them before you are bound by God.
Good Lord. First of all, what about THEM? Did everyone miss the fact that THEY ARE HAVING SEX, too? Sheesh. Secondly, no man is looking for his eternal mate. He just wants sex. Even returned missionaries. Why the hell do you think they get married so fast after they get back? They check out a woman, think “Yeah, I can live with you for eternity, I guess. You seem okay. Let’s have sex.” Did you miss the fact that Joseph had a LOT of eternal mates? That sex urge is strong. I guess the only way around it, in a religious setting, is to make sure God makes plenty of proclamations about how and when you can have sex. Lots and lots of sex.
7. Don’t go to bed with your hair wet or you’ll catch a cold.
Another old wives tale. There is no correlation between wet hair and colds. There is, however, a very strong correlation between hair from hell and going to bed with wet hair.
8. You will understand this when you are a mother.
Nope. I’ve been a mother for more than 13 years now, and I still don’t understand half of what you told me. Most of all, I don’t understand how you ignore all the facts and embrace Mormonism, based on a burning bosom. But that’s okay.
I love you anyway. I still want my mom when I’m sick, or hurt, or when I have to do something unpleasant. We may not see eye to eye on most things, especially regarding religion, and of course politics, but you are still my mother.
Happy Mother’s Day.
