My Mormon Weekend….
When you live in Utah, and half or all of your relatives are Mormon, sooner or later you are going to have to suffer through a Mormon weekend. Or two. Preferably just one. Unless they provide MASSIVE AMOUNTS of funeral potatoes so you can carb-overload yourself into a stupor.
Mine started out with the half-breed-funeral. See, not ALL Utah Mormons are really, really Mormons, so some of them don’t choose to have their funerals performed in Mormon Chapels. While their relatives might WANT you to think they are true-believing-Mormons, as do their bishops and the like, the key is usually in the venue.
If you attend a funeral at a Mormon wardhouse, you probably have a true believer (or someone with no voting power, say, a teenager). Not always, but probably. If you attend at a local mortuary, however, you might have a semi-believer, or non-believer who didn’t want to make waves, or just a hospitable loving woman who happened to be born into a Mormon family.
Hence, the funeral of Grandma Pearl. Held at a local mortuary, this was a half-breed funeral. Of course, as usual, the Mormon half won out. It started out with the longest family prayer in human history. During this epic saga, several old ladies in the audience keeled over and died, making more business for the funeral home. Perhaps they hire this guy, although everyone swears he was related to Grandma Pearl in some way. All I know, is I have NEVER seen him before, and hope to never see him again.
When the prayer was finally over, and the slackers in the audience were awakened by bitchslapping, and the old ladies hauled off, we commenced to the “you better get your ass back to Church” portion of the service.
This is the part where the speakers, usually the bishop of the deceased, tells everyone that the DECEASED, in this case, Grandma Pearl, KNEW that she belonged to God’s only true Church, and that she wanted everyone else to GO BACK TO CHURCH NOW. This is usually not true. When my Grandma Ethel died many years ago, they said the same thing. And the truth was, Grandma Ethel just wanted people to be happy and eat donuts. REALLY! Lots of donuts.
Anyway, back to the funeral. After the bishop did his spiel, some other guy, who they introduced as President Whatseewhosie, did his talk. Seriously, he was LISTED In the program as President Whatseewhosie (name changed to protect the terminally dull). No identification as to what he was president of, which is ALWAYS a warning sign. This guy kept fading off like he forgot who he was talking about! PEARL, you idiot! Pearl!
Lordy.
The NEXT day (oh yes, friends, it was not yet over) I attended the baptism of my best friend’s young son. See, they were all baptized Mormons, including his two older siblings, so after he asked to be baptized, they decided they couldn’t really say no.
So, there we find Ms. Collins, in a Mormon wardhouse for the first time in many, many years, wearing nice white PANTS no less, attending a baptism. I stood out like Clay Aiken at a Toughman contest.
Things have changed since I was a little Mormon Smither, er, shaver. Nowadays, instead of doing the baptism on Saturday night, and the confirmation on Sunday, they do it all on the same night, and they do it by stakes.
They have a spotlight, which for Sporty Boy, was done by his primary teacher. Except this Clay Aiken wannabe had never MET Sporty Boy. And he only called Sporty’s mama about ten minutes before they were due at the Church.
So Sporty’s spotlight was awfully short and stupid. The Primary Teacher STOOD UP THERE and emphasized the fact that Sporty didn’t go to church much, because, and I quote, “I’ve never met him.”
About this time, Sporty’s parents were really regretting the baptism decision. And THEN the Primary President From Hell stood up and sobbed her testimony about the Holy Ghost, for about ten minutes. Apparently, all you SLACKERS who think that family time includes attending EVENTS with your family are WRONG!! FAMILY HOME EVENING means scriptures, you SLACKERS. It does NOT mean soccer games or other family events.
Then, of course, Sporty was baptized, and led into yet another room where his FATHER learned he could not stand and put his hands on his son’s head and join in the prayer/blessing because he did not hold the HOLY MORMON PRIESTHOOD.
Sorry folks, but this is a travesty. I tried to be happy for Sporty and his parents, but ONCE AGAIN, Mormons have proved that families are only forever as long as families are TOWING THE LINE.
How do you make peace in a culture this divided? In the case of my best friends (for not much else gets me inside a Mormon chapel) it ended up on a very sour note. And it only gets worse. If you are not a tithe-paying, faithful Mormon, you don’t even get to ATTEND the wedding of your daughter/sister/son/brother.
I’ll tell you how you make peace. You make fun. And there is where I stand.
May 25th, 2006 at 9:34 am
I am totally amazed. Boggled. and a little stumped. Why would non-Mormon parents say yes to their child being baptised Mormon? Totally stumped. I thank GOD for my mother. Thank you God.
To me Mormon funerals sound comparable to Catholic funerals - which I vowed at the age of 16 I would never go to again. I am so glad Quakers don’t believe in rites. So my dear friend I won’t request you attend my funeral, not that I am planning on going anywhere soon, but you never know…so I’m just sayin’
May 25th, 2006 at 9:53 am
You are such a great writer and bring humor to some pretty difficult situations. A “once was” mm (mormon mom) for 40 years - and now I can laugh with you. You are so right on the separating family issues - couldn’t attend a son’s wedding. None of his 5 sibling could attend either. But we love him so much, we watched outside and waited and waited. His wife is wonderful, we love her - but this “going to the church stuff will stop for me - it’s too difficult - and I’ve had enough. If they read your blog - which I doubt - I love them. But your writing brings me such peace of heart - write on, write on, right on!
May 25th, 2006 at 10:08 am
ROFLMAO!
Several times,, in the last 5 years, I’ve attended bible classes at a Calvary church near my home. I did so to argue with the Christians and have a working knowledge of their book. It’s not the first time I’ve read that thing but it’s the first time for formal classes. What a crock! They were MEN ONLY classes filled with guys that partied way-too-much when they were younger and are trying to make up for it all. Remember those sprees . . . ahhhh. Good times. Most of those guys I wouldn’t have partied with. Why the hell would I want to be saved with them?!
Anyway, I’m getting away from what I wanted to comment on. Pants! On a woman! In a momo chapel! How shocking!!!! Here, at Southern California Calvary churches, they attend services in shorts, t-shirts and sandals. Nobody cares. Nobody looks at you twice, or thrice, for it. The preacher wears Hawaiian shirts! Yeah, I aint lyin!
If there is a God (jury is still out for me), I doubt wearing pants in a chapel is going to earn a black mark next to your name. God is entirely too busy answering all the prayers of pro athletes. Next time wear shorts and a tank top.
Inthenameoftheosmondsamen,
Howy
May 25th, 2006 at 12:02 pm
And this is yet another reason why organized religion squicks the hell out of me. So your immediate family, those who have kept vigil by your bedside when you’ve been sick, who have cheered you on through your daily life struggles… *those* people can’t be at your wedding?
Gah.
May 25th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
Even though I have been a devoted reader for the last few months, this will be my first post. I married a man whose family is mormon so I have had to attend more than my share of baptisms and sacraments. One of my first experiences of going to church I was eight months pregnant and the only thing I had to wear was pants! GASP! When I walked into my mother-in-law’s house (sidenote: she’s not a believer anymore but attends family functions at church) she asked “You don’t have a skirt?” I thought “Maybe I’ll get kicked out. For that matter I’ll go find my cross necklace and wear that too!” Scandalous.
Howy, we must live in the same town because I go to that Calvary church. In fact, the dress code is the only way I got my husband (exmormon) to attend. Believer or non-believer, I think it is sad you went just to argue. In their defense, they would be able to answer any question you have without saying something like, “Well, we consider that sacred and don’t talk about it outside the temple” or “Milk before the meat!” However, I have to say that I’ve read so much about Mormon history and doctrine that I eyes are permanently crossed.
I have to agree–definintely, shorts and tank top.
May 26th, 2006 at 10:20 am
Lyndsey,
Okay, it wasn’t just to argue with them. That was probably 75% of the motivation. The other 25% was that my marriage was falling apart and I was desperate for some sort of inspiration.
True, they will try to answer your questions but more than once I found them relying on the old standby, “You just have to have faith.” Well, I don’t have faith. I’ve tried. Given it what I can and I can’t seem to find a smidgen of faith. In fact, I wish I could. It would be so much easier to give everything to a higher power because you can’t seem to find an explanation. Geezo peezo, would that make everything swell! The problem is when you’re alone and the only person you need to answer to is staring back from the mirror. There are no lies in that instance. You either believe in a higher power or you don’t. I wish I had an agnostic view then I’d at least have an escape route. I don’t. If I’m wrong, then I hope all of the main stream religions are wrong. Wouldn’t it be a kick if there was a God and God wasn’t judgemental.
Howy
June 11th, 2006 at 1:34 am
I was baptised as a mormon when My dad (who never could say no to a stranger) decided we should become Mormons.Of course this didn’t stop his drinking ,it just became more of a chore to hide it from more people.After ,becoming an adult with a few brain cells left I stopped going to church when I relalized that when I was told to pray and I would be told the Mormon church was the true church never happened ,that perhaps it didn’t mean something was wrong with me after all.Any-way my sister learning she had terminal cancer ( the blessings from the laying on of hands didnt work (probably another sign of being unworthy) she announced she would be buried ,as a Mormon ,because she didnt know anything else to be buried as although she added “she didnt really believe in it.So, this coming week I will be going back into (the church) for her funeral. She did say she would be dressed like a bride with a veil over her face .I am wondering if the Mormon temple is supposed to be so secret why then are the people buried in the temple garments for all to see including non-mormons?
June 23rd, 2006 at 8:34 am
Oh, my goodness. I too, wish I could believe in 3 Kingdoms of God in Heaven, That angels with wings carry all my prayers, and sang church songs to myself when frightened. I did try. It would be much easier, if I could only believe it.
I don’t believe the Church is true. LOL. It’s retarded. And I say that from the bottom of my heart. I’m glad I left early, and was able to fix some of the damage before piddling the best years of my life away for the church.
Anyway, no real point. Howy was so funny, and I needed to lauph.
Being the middle child of 8 children, all of which are active LDS members,I start to wonder if I am the only one with active brain cells. I feel like I come from a different planet. Thanks for the read, it was well worth my time. i know all about those weekends…yuck!
August 25th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
[…] Back when my little friend Andrew chose to get baptized a MEMBER OF GOD’S TRUE CHURCH, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he really changed. For about a day and a half. […]
April 12th, 2007 at 12:54 am
You guys should really get a life!! Honestly, is this what you guys spend your whole day doing? Bashing Religion and putting down peoples faith? The truth is that religion no matter what faith or denomination is a very good thing and gives people hope and happiness. It is people like all of you that cause this world so many unnecessary problems and spite between others. It is people like you that make racism and hatred exist within us. If all you have time to do is put down anothers beliefs and religion then I feel very sorry for you, it must be a horrible life for you. Its really too bad that you can’t be doing something more productive to make this world a little bit of a better place to live in.