Today, Shanna Swendson, a magical sort of writer, has agreed to visit us, and so, we, of course, had to ask her the USUAL Trapped questions. But first, a little bit about Shanna’s book, Once Upon Stillettos. Shanna writes “paranormal chick lit,” a growing new genre. Frankly, we can all use a bit of that magic. I mean, how many times could I have used that “it’s no place like home” thing from The Wizard of Oz when I was growing up. But no, no ruby slippers for me. Just church meetings. If you COULD just click your heels, and get the heck outta Dodge, well, CONSIDER the possibilities. And Shanna does….

“Once Upon Stilettos is not to be missed if you’re in the mood for a fast and funny read where chicklit meets urban fantasy.” — Mary Jo Putney, author of A Kiss of Fate

“A princely wizard, Cinderella red stilettos, and a megalomaniac–what more could a girl ask for? ONCE UPON STILETTOS is a delightful urban fairytale with a dreamy hero and a country-wise Texas heroine who use their magical and non-magical charms to seek justice and unmask the villain. Just a few weeks in the life of a simple single girl…” — bestselling author Patricia Rice

See? You know you need some of this. And now, on to the questions.

1. If you had to be “Trapped” somewhere, where would it be?

A nice cabin in the woods with Internet access.

2. If you could pick your “Trapped” companions, what three people would you want with you, and why?

Do I have to have anyone with me? I think I’d enjoy the solitude! Maybe a cook, a maid and someone to run errands, but only if they had separate quarters.

3. If you could only pick five books to be “Trapped” with, what would they be?

Now, that’s a really, really tough question! The top contenders now (but that may change!) would be TO SAY NOTHING OF THE
DOG by Connie Willis, THE BOYFRIEND SCHOOL by Sarah Bird, LAST CHANCE SALOON by Marian Keyes — all that have stood the test of re-reading and never fail
to make me happy. Plus the last two books would be the latest books by any two of my favorite authors that I haven’t read yet (can I go into the future and claim the next (and also, sadly, the last) Harry Potter book?).

4. What ONE famous person would you absolutely NOT want to be “Trapped” with?

Tom Cruise. He would drive me nuts. I never liked him even back when he was truly popular. He’s always annoyed me. And now even more so.

5. You can bring three things from your “former” life to “Trapped.” What would those three things be?

TV, DVD player, laptop computer

6. Where is one place you absolutely would NOT want to be “Trapped.”

If we’re talking geography, the desert (I can’t stand places without green stuff and water). Otherwise, no small, enclosed space (I’m claustrophobic).

So there you have it. Shanna Swendson was trapped here, and couldn’t even escape with MAGIC. Glad she came to visit, and I don’t know how she got out. Okay, maybe magic….

Everybody wants to be Mormon. Really. You may not UNDERSTAND that you want this, of course, but Mormons do. They KNOW it, deep in their heart of hearts, where the burning bosom shit happens. So they’ve made it easy. They just BAPTIZE everyone, and then you don’t have to even get out of bed to join God’s Church.

(I should note that this really pisses me off, because I had to get dressed up, and actually GET dunked, and actually sit through church and get CONFIRMED, while the rest of you are getting off easy. Why the hell don’t they tell you this? If you have the choice to do it AFTER you die, why DO IT NOW? Please, go sow your wild oats, and then when you are dead, life opens up for you. It’s a stupid theology they don’t really share with the faithful, although if you THINK hard enough, you can figure it out. Of course, once you do that, there’s really nothing to strive for or aim to achieve.)

Ahem. I digress. Of course, the fact that some of you don’t WISH to be baptized Mormon is irrelevant. At least to the Mormons.

As the Mormon Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley says, the baptismal rite is only an offer of membership that can be rejected in the afterlife by individuals. “So, there’s no injury done to anybody,” Hinckley told the AP in an interview last November.

Really? No injury? By whose standards, President Hinckley? So, the fact that Mormons have baptized Hitler by proxy shouldn’t be offensive at all to Jews, who find other Holocaust victims also being baptized? The fact that the man who engineered THEIR MURDER is being treated like a viable candidate for God’s highest kingdom, right alongside them, isn’t a problem?

And the fact that they, themselves, are not Christian, should also be ignored? After all, they can “just say no.”

This is arrogance, plain and simple.

Believing so strongly that you have THE ONLY ONE TRUE thing that you are willing to baptize anyone and everyone and risk their wrath, because, well, you KNOW you are right.

Baptizing even people like, say, the Jews, who do not believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God?

And yet Mormons cry foul about their treatment in the media, again and again. Really, what they want is just to do WHAT THEY WANT because they are right, and we are all wrong. How else can you spell it?

Of course, Mormons do not see this, because their belief system is set up to tell them their religion IS the ONLY TRUE THING. In the afterlife, why on earth would someone SAY NO? In the AFTERLIFE, it’s going to be patently obvious that Mormons were RIGHT all along? So where is the harm?

Well, for one thing, in 1995 Mormons signed an agreement with Jewish leaders to prevent Jewish names from being added to the geneological index, which is where the names for baptism by proxy (baptism of the dead) are culled from.

But that hasn’t stopped. And apparently, ANY believing Mormon can access the database and add names. Which is how the POPE ended up Mormon.

Here is the actual Church record that shows he is in the database. It’s been confirmed by a church insider, who chooses not to be named, that actual ordination (baptism) work has been done.

http://www.familysearch.org/Eng/Search/igi/individual_record.asp?recid=100395931505&lds=1®ion=5Me, I’m lobbying for the Pope to be appointed as my Home Teacher. And I bet he’d LOVE those funeral potatoes…..

So, this anti-Mormon author (you know, the kind with a serious axe to grind against the Church) wrote a controversial book full of untruths and lies (and had the NERVE to call it fiction, even!), and horrible portrayals of Mormons that could NEVER POSSIBLY be true, and she set up some signings.

One of those was in Utah County. As she drove to this signing, her car began to overheat. The closer she got to the heart of HAPPY VALLEY, and God’s chosen people, the higher the gauge went. Finally, in American Fork, the needle hit the red, the oil light went on and panic set in. She veered off the freeway, frightened her car was going to burst into flames and headed to a remote spot to try to let it cool down.

It did not.

She waited.

It stayed hot.

She called the bookstore and told them she would be late.

Waited longer. It started to cool off, then ZOOMED back up the closer she got to Provo! Finally, she gave up. Pulled over. Called for help and went into a local fast food restaurant to wait for help, which was a long way away.

After about 40 minutes, she went back to the car, and started it. The temperature gauge was at halfpoint. So she started back TOWARD home, away from God’s Happy Spot, and the gauge NEVER climbed back up again.

Once again, GOD protected the Mormons from HEATHENS.

Send this to everyone you know….

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(Disclaimer: If one really WANTED to explore this, one could assume that GOD was protecting the author from dismal book sales and nasty looks, and possibly worse. In fact, if one REALLY wanted to disect this, one would wonder why God did not take such drastic measures with said author’s car when author was signing at the Borders in the very SHADOW of the SLC Temple. Also, because of said car not behaving very well, the AUTHOR is now driving a much newer and much nicer car, so technically, all in all, this worked out MUCH better for her. But one might not want to think about all that if one is the non-thinking type given to believing Faith Promoting Rumors.)

When you live in Utah, and half or all of your relatives are Mormon, sooner or later you are going to have to suffer through a Mormon weekend. Or two. Preferably just one. Unless they provide MASSIVE AMOUNTS of funeral potatoes so you can carb-overload yourself into a stupor.

Mine started out with the half-breed-funeral. See, not ALL Utah Mormons are really, really Mormons, so some of them don’t choose to have their funerals performed in Mormon Chapels. While their relatives might WANT you to think they are true-believing-Mormons, as do their bishops and the like, the key is usually in the venue.

If you attend a funeral at a Mormon wardhouse, you probably have a true believer (or someone with no voting power, say, a teenager). Not always, but probably. If you attend at a local mortuary, however, you might have a semi-believer, or non-believer who didn’t want to make waves, or just a hospitable loving woman who happened to be born into a Mormon family.

Hence, the funeral of Grandma Pearl. Held at a local mortuary, this was a half-breed funeral. Of course, as usual, the Mormon half won out. It started out with the longest family prayer in human history. During this epic saga, several old ladies in the audience keeled over and died, making more business for the funeral home. Perhaps they hire this guy, although everyone swears he was related to Grandma Pearl in some way. All I know, is I have NEVER seen him before, and hope to never see him again.

When the prayer was finally over, and the slackers in the audience were awakened by bitchslapping, and the old ladies hauled off, we commenced to the “you better get your ass back to Church” portion of the service.

This is the part where the speakers, usually the bishop of the deceased, tells everyone that the DECEASED, in this case, Grandma Pearl, KNEW that she belonged to God’s only true Church, and that she wanted everyone else to GO BACK TO CHURCH NOW. This is usually not true. When my Grandma Ethel died many years ago, they said the same thing. And the truth was, Grandma Ethel just wanted people to be happy and eat donuts. REALLY! Lots of donuts.

Anyway, back to the funeral. After the bishop did his spiel, some other guy, who they introduced as President Whatseewhosie, did his talk. Seriously, he was LISTED In the program as President Whatseewhosie (name changed to protect the terminally dull). No identification as to what he was president of, which is ALWAYS a warning sign. This guy kept fading off like he forgot who he was talking about! PEARL, you idiot! Pearl!

Lordy.

The NEXT day (oh yes, friends, it was not yet over) I attended the baptism of my best friend’s young son. See, they were all baptized Mormons, including his two older siblings, so after he asked to be baptized, they decided they couldn’t really say no.

So, there we find Ms. Collins, in a Mormon wardhouse for the first time in many, many years, wearing nice white PANTS no less, attending a baptism. I stood out like Clay Aiken at a Toughman contest.

Things have changed since I was a little Mormon Smither, er, shaver. Nowadays, instead of doing the baptism on Saturday night, and the confirmation on Sunday, they do it all on the same night, and they do it by stakes.

They have a spotlight, which for Sporty Boy, was done by his primary teacher. Except this Clay Aiken wannabe had never MET Sporty Boy. And he only called Sporty’s mama about ten minutes before they were due at the Church.

So Sporty’s spotlight was awfully short and stupid. The Primary Teacher STOOD UP THERE and emphasized the fact that Sporty didn’t go to church much, because, and I quote, “I’ve never met him.”

About this time, Sporty’s parents were really regretting the baptism decision. And THEN the Primary President From Hell stood up and sobbed her testimony about the Holy Ghost, for about ten minutes. Apparently, all you SLACKERS who think that family time includes attending EVENTS with your family are WRONG!! FAMILY HOME EVENING means scriptures, you SLACKERS. It does NOT mean soccer games or other family events.

Then, of course, Sporty was baptized, and led into yet another room where his FATHER learned he could not stand and put his hands on his son’s head and join in the prayer/blessing because he did not hold the HOLY MORMON PRIESTHOOD.

Sorry folks, but this is a travesty. I tried to be happy for Sporty and his parents, but ONCE AGAIN, Mormons have proved that families are only forever as long as families are TOWING THE LINE.

How do you make peace in a culture this divided? In the case of my best friends (for not much else gets me inside a Mormon chapel) it ended up on a very sour note. And it only gets worse. If you are not a tithe-paying, faithful Mormon, you don’t even get to ATTEND the wedding of your daughter/sister/son/brother.

I’ll tell you how you make peace. You make fun. And there is where I stand.

Alison Pace has written a fabulous book called Pug Hill, which features–surprise, surprise–some pugs. Now while Stormy the Wonder Dog might have his little, furry shih tzu butt in a twist over the fact it does NOT spotlight furry little shih tzus, I have to admit that this book is on my MUST read list.

Here’s a little bit about it.
To get into the most elite spot of Manhattan’s Central Park, there are a few stiff requirements: you must have short legs, a round tummy, a pig nose, and walk on all fours—or at least know someone who does! Pug Hill is a place for pugs and pug-lovers alike to bask in the camaraderie that comes from owning (or dreaming of owning) one of the world’s most cherished and irresistible dogs.

Author Alison Pace has been to Pug Hill and she knows first-hand the joy and stress-relief that these tiny pooches offer. Now, the author of the hilarious If Andy Warhol Had a Girlfriend introduces readers to the congregants of Pug Hill in a novel that’s as full of love, humor, and heartwarmingly-awkward moments as the adorable dogs themselves—PUG
HILL (Berkley Trade Paperback Original; $14.00; May 2, 2006).

Some lovely quotes:
A remarkably sweet and affecting tale of inner growth. –Kirkus

Pug Hill is all at once touching, witty, and so very smart. I love
this nervous and self-deprecating narrator who makes low self-esteem not only funny and endearing but enviable. There’s a terrific comedic eye at work here and a tender heart—a most satisfying combination.– Elinor Lipman, author of The Inn At Lake Devine and My Latest Grievance

Alison Pace isn’t afraid to tackle serious subjects, even as she
delivers a wry and witty portrait of a woman growing up and growing into herself at long last. The aptly named Hope has such charm and self-deprecating humor, I felt that she could be a friend of mine.– Joshilyn Jackson, author of gods in Alabama

To paraphrase Woody Allen, love is too weak a word to describe how I feel about this novel. I lurve it. I loove it!– Melissa Senate, author of See Jane Date and The Breakup Club

A delightful romp! Alison Pace’s dry and breezy wit make this a
delightful, funny read for pugs and humans alike. If Bridget Jones kept a must-read book list in her diary, Pug Hill would most certainly be at the top.
-Wilson the Pug with Nancy Levine, authors of The Tao of Pug

Here’s a little about Alison:
Alison Pace is the author of the novels IF ANDY WARHOL HAD A GIRLFRIEND and PUG HILL, and is a contributing editor at The Bark magazine. While she doesn’t actually own a pug, she has had twelve dogs over her lifetime, including a St. Bernard, an English mastiff, A Scottish terrier, a Corgi, and three Chinese Shar-peis. She lives in New York City where she is at work on another book.

Now, Alison answers the standard “Trapped” questions.

1. If you had to be “Trapped” somewhere, where would it be?

Italy

2. If you could pick your “Trapped” companions, what three people would you want with you, and why?

My best friend Cindy, I never tire of her excellent company and she is a great travel companion, and since we’re trapped in Italy, we might as well travel together. And two other friends, though I’m not sure which ones.

3. If you could only pick five books to be “Trapped” with, what
would they be?

The Time Traveler’s Wife; The Complete Jane Austen (cheating, sorry, but it’s a book); Where I Was From, Joan Didion; Essays of E.B. White, A Best American Short Stories or Two; On Writing (might as well brush up!)

4. What ONE famous person would you absolutely NOT want to be “Trapped” with?

Paris Hilton

5. You can bring three things from your “former” life to Trapped. What would they be?

I guess I’d have my three aforementioned, though to be determined, friends? I’d like to bring email, too.

6. Where is one place you absolutely would NOT want to be “Trapped?

Penn Station

So there you have it. Thanks for visiting, Alison!