And to prove it, thought I’d post a few snippets of life in Mormon-ville.

Weenie Rat Face Update

Well, new charges have been filed against Weenie Rat Face, otherwise known as Warren Jeffs, head of the polygamous FLDS Cult.

Jeffs, you may remember, apparently spent some time at the Evil Dictator Relocation Program Training Camp, offered by the same people that hid Osama Bin Ladin, and sadly, one of their failures Saddam Hussein.

This country wonders why we cannot find Osama? Hell, we can’t even find a nerdy, skinny man with a God-complex and a jones for young girls. Sad, and very, very sick.

Now, the state of Utah has charged him with two counts of being an accomplice in the rape of a child. The charges stem from a case of one particular underage marriage. Details are meager, but authorities say the victim is between the age of 15 to 18.

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There will BE NO MORE BIG LOVING in Utah!

Mormons are STILL claiming they have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with polygamy, and although Hinckley did not appear on last night’s Larry King Live program, the LDS Church did submit a statement.

“I wish to state categorically that this church has nothing whatever to do with those practicing polygamy. They are not members of this church. Most of them have never been members. They are in violation of the civil law.

They know they are in violation of the civil law. They are subject to its penalties. The church, of course, has no jurisdiction whatsoever in this matter.”

If any of our members are found to be practicing plural marriage, they are excommunicated; the most serious penalty the church can impose.”

Yes, yes, we get that. But WHERE DID POLYGAMY COME FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE? You may not be practicing it now, but you sure as hell used to, and you SURE as hell intend to in the future….

Sheesh.
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My name is Donny Osmond, can I interest you in some melaleuca products or a membership in my Eternal Fan Club?

Somehow, mostly because I hang out in some strange places, I ended up at Donny.com today. I was actually there looking for the infamous Big Love email campaign letter, which I heard Donny had posted to his forum. I didn’t ever track it down. But boy did I get an eyeful.

Apparently, SCORES of people have joined the Mormon Church just because it’s “Donny’s Church.” I kid you not. There are also groups of Donny’s Dieters, and Donny’s Downline, otherwise known as suckers. Yep, Donny is a Mormon through and through, and apparently he sells Melaleuca, which was all the rage a while back among my neighborhood. They were actually fighting over me. Never mind that I never had any intention of EVER being in someone’s downwind, er, downline.

Anyway, Donny’s site was interesting, because there were actual posts from people who said, “I looked into it because I wanted to join Donny’s Church.” Hmm.

Here’s a few quotes from the site.

So there you have it. Apparently, get in your car and drive and the first Church you reach will be the true Church. In Utah, we all KNOW how that is going to work out. Also, if cute boys belong to a church, then it MUST be true.

After Stormy the wonder dog joined the dawg gang, and started taking every opportunity to sneak out of the house and go terrorize the neighborhood, difficult decisions had to be made.

It became impossible to even open the door without his skinny little ass sneaking through the smallest gap so he could cavort off and find the other dawgs and cause all kinds of mayhem.

It was decided that the time had come to do the dreaded N word. Stormy does not recognize the dreaded N word. He recognizes the dreaded B word (for bath) and the dreaded C word (get your mind out of the gutter! Comb! Comb!), but the N word was a new one for him.

Thusly, the appointment was made, and the jingling car keys just meant “ride! Head out window! Doggie treats at bank!” to him. He did not understand he would return home notably altered.

Mr. Collins carted him off, and his little tail was just a wagging. Is it cruel not to let them know what awaits them? Guess I’ll never know. Dancing Daughter started asking questions. “What is it they do, Mom? They don’t cut off his little thingie, do they?” I know, I know, male readers everywhere are wincing. Mostly because she said “little,” and not “cut off.”

“No, they just remove the part of it that makes him love the cat,” I answered.

“And the pillows?”

“Yes, the pillows, and legs, and…..”

So, Stormy’s cat-loving ways are over. I know it seems a drastic solution, but the cat is much more content. He did not return Stormy’s ardor, and in fact it caused him such trauma that he hid on top of the fence and other places and waited for good opportunities just to take Stormy down and roll him for cigarettes and money.

I did mention the dawg gang, didn’t I? Hopefully, Stormy will mend his ways, and all will be good.

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There was an op-ed in today’s Salt Lake Tribune by Paul Mero, a man apparently in need of a good frontal lobotomy or a lap dance. Either or.

I was going to blog on this, but the dawg gang problem seemed more pressing, and then I read the post by Jon Armstrong on Blurbomat, aptly entitled, “Why people think Utah is crazy.”

He said it all quite well.

One of my faithful readers brought this story, which ran in the Wall Street Journal, to my attention. In the way that most things Mormon go, a very well-known and esteemed Mormon historian, D. Michael Quinn, cannot find a job, and is forced to live with his mother.

Quinn, who was excommunicated by the LDS Inc. powers that be because he chose to tell-it-like-it-is instead of tell-it-like-we-tell-you-to-tell-it, is one of the FOREMOST scholars on the subject of Mormonism.

Quinn graduated from BYU, has a doctorate from Yale, and at one point was a professor at BYU. But he can’t get a job, because despite the fact many universities are adding Mormon studies programs, these programs ARE for the most part, funded by rich Mormons who only want the “useful” things about Mormonism out there.

You are ALL familiar with my favorite quote (and if you aren’t you should be), “Some things that are true are not very useful.”–Boyd K. Packer.

For a religion claiming to be THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION, does this not sound a little silly? Some things that are true are not useful? True! I find this ONLY TRUE RELIGION thing NOT very useful at all!

Back to Quinn, anyone who claims the CHURCH does NOT throw their very substantial money-funded weight around, here is a quote from the story.

In 2003, when he was a visiting professor at Yale University, BYU threatened to withdraw funding for a conference it was co-sponsoring with Yale on Mormonism if Mr. Quinn was allowed to speak there, according to the conference’s organizer, Kenneth West. Noel Reynolds, a longtime BYU administrator and now a Mormon mission president in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., says the university was concerned that “the conference not be used to promote personalities or personal complaints about the church.” Yale officials insisted on the participation of Mr. Quinn, who ultimately resolved the dispute by agreeing to introduce the keynote speaker rather than give a scholarly paper.

Now, granted, Quinn, who claims to still believe in some of Mormonism, although he is not practicing, is an excommunicated Mormon, and is openly homosexual, all things which Mormons find abhorrent.

But still, he knows his stuff. The problem is he knows the TRUE stuff, but doesn’t choose to edit it to mollify the LDS hierarchy.

MORMONS, wake up. You have a violent, colorful, and controversial past. Time to accept it, and embrace it. The truth shall set you free. You are hung up on TRUTH, and being the only true thing, and yet YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. He he he. I’ve been waiting a long time to use that one.

I received a comment on my blog, which, of course, I must address, because I usually do reply to my many Mormon fans. It is what makes me so popular, and leads people to compare me to Paris Hilton. Except, of course, my catch phrase is “That’s stupid,” instead of “That’s hot.” Do you think it will catch on?

JR at biglovemustgo@yahoo.com wrote:

I have a few questions regarding your statements above and why you have chosen to not label them as your own personal beliefs?

I would like to ask you to read the following statement and question that I have copied directly from you. And then please take the time to answer your own question….

It is true that today’s Mormons do NOT practice polygamy, and anyone who is caught doing so is excommunicated. But where the hell do they think it CAME FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Best Regards,

JR

First of all, JR, did you notice that this is MY blog? Guess not. Did you want me to preface every statement with Natalie R. Collins thinks that…. I’d sound pretty silly. When I am quoting FACT I state that it is fact and give citations and links. When I am giving you my opinion, well, I expect you to be INTELLIGENT enough to realize that THIS is my blog. Of course I’m telling you what I think. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

I’m not going to preface every statement with a disclaimer that THIS IS WHAT I THINK. That’s sort of a “duh” moment, don’t ya think?

Now, other readers, JR wants me to answer my own question. Tell me, readers, do you think JR has NOT really thought this out well? Hmmmm???

Here’s the question in question. Now please note that JR also included the first sentence of my statement (which, by the way, is MY OPINION, for those of you too dull to realize I am stating my opinion) which is a declarative sentence, and not a question. But since JR only asked me to answer my own QUESTION, that’s all I’m doing.

It is true that today’s Mormons do NOT practice polygamy, and anyone who is caught doing so is excommunicated. But where the hell do they think it CAME FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Where the hell do they think it came from in the first place, JR? THE MORMONS! Joseph Smith. They were the ones practicing it. Brigham Young. He had like a GAZILLION wives. The Doctrine and Covenants? It’s in there, in black and white. To say that Mormons HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP TO POLYGAMY IS POINT BLANK RIDICULOUS. This is where it started. Then in 1890, they ended it. With a manifesto, rather than a revelation, which left it open to all kinds of creative manuevering and possibilities for future practicing of said polygamy.

There is only ONE reason people associate Mormons with polygamy, and that is because they used to OPENLY and FLAGRANTLY practice it, and they STILL BELIEVE it will be practiced in the Celestial Kingdom.

Did that answer my question? Boy, that did not sound right, but after all, JR DID ask me to answer my own question. Sheesh.

Now, I would note here that I suspect JR wanted me to say that polygamy came from God. Considering the God(s) Joseph Smith talked about had him translating the Book of Mormon with his head stuck in a hat, well, I think that just speaks for itself….

I recently had a reader write me, asking me, among other questions, the dreaded, “You left the Church, now why can’t you leave it alone?”

My answer?

It’s like you are saying, “We have the truth. You walked away, now leave it alone, but WE reserve the right to contact YOU at anytime we want. Do not talk about it, do not write about it, but WE reserve the right to send missionaries out, to tell the world it’s true, ANYTIME WE WANT. You, however, must keep quiet. We will not respect your wishes to remove your name, we will send you letters, and put fliers on your door, and have people come by. We will also come after your children, but YOU are not to contact us.”

You would not accept that in any aspect of your life. Why should I?