Mormons are a Peculiar People
And to prove it, thought I’d post a few snippets of life in Mormon-ville.
Weenie Rat Face Update
Well, new charges have been filed against Weenie Rat Face, otherwise known as Warren Jeffs, head of the polygamous FLDS Cult.
Jeffs, you may remember, apparently spent some time at the Evil Dictator Relocation Program Training Camp, offered by the same people that hid Osama Bin Ladin, and sadly, one of their failures Saddam Hussein.
This country wonders why we cannot find Osama? Hell, we can’t even find a nerdy, skinny man with a God-complex and a jones for young girls. Sad, and very, very sick.
Now, the state of Utah has charged him with two counts of being an accomplice in the rape of a child. The charges stem from a case of one particular underage marriage. Details are meager, but authorities say the victim is between the age of 15 to 18.
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There will BE NO MORE BIG LOVING in Utah!
Mormons are STILL claiming they have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with polygamy, and although Hinckley did not appear on last night’s Larry King Live program, the LDS Church did submit a statement.
“I wish to state categorically that this church has nothing whatever to do with those practicing polygamy. They are not members of this church. Most of them have never been members. They are in violation of the civil law.
They know they are in violation of the civil law. They are subject to its penalties. The church, of course, has no jurisdiction whatsoever in this matter.”
If any of our members are found to be practicing plural marriage, they are excommunicated; the most serious penalty the church can impose.”
Yes, yes, we get that. But WHERE DID POLYGAMY COME FROM IN THE FIRST PLACE? You may not be practicing it now, but you sure as hell used to, and you SURE as hell intend to in the future….
Sheesh.
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My name is Donny Osmond, can I interest you in some melaleuca products or a membership in my Eternal Fan Club?
Somehow, mostly because I hang out in some strange places, I ended up at Donny.com today. I was actually there looking for the infamous Big Love email campaign letter, which I heard Donny had posted to his forum. I didn’t ever track it down. But boy did I get an eyeful.
Apparently, SCORES of people have joined the Mormon Church just because it’s “Donny’s Church.” I kid you not. There are also groups of Donny’s Dieters, and Donny’s Downline, otherwise known as suckers. Yep, Donny is a Mormon through and through, and apparently he sells Melaleuca, which was all the rage a while back among my neighborhood. They were actually fighting over me. Never mind that I never had any intention of EVER being in someone’s downwind, er, downline.
Anyway, Donny’s site was interesting, because there were actual posts from people who said, “I looked into it because I wanted to join Donny’s Church.” Hmm.
Here’s a few quotes from the site.
Then along came an american pop group that i took a really strong liking too, especially one called Donny. The more i saw him the more i fell in love. So i wanted to know everything about this young man and read every magazine out.
I discovered he called himself a Mormon and belonged to The church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I had never heard of these. So i went to the town library and school library and looked up everything i could about The Mormons.
I liked what a read and discovered i was almost living the word of wisdom. I didn,t drink, didn,t smoke, didn,t take drugs, didn,t drink tea. So I wrote to the church asking for some information.
I was looking for a church to pray in and thank God for my many blessings in my life. Anyway, I came across an LDS church, and I got out of my car and walked into the LDS church, where I was immediately helped by the Elders of the church. I told them that I’m an Episcoplian and they invited me into a Bible Study group with them. I read from both books, the Book of Mormon and the Bible and it was, while in the LDS church that I mentioned that I am a big Donny Osmond fan, and the Elders said that they have heard of Donny Osmond. I also learned about the Prophet Joseph Smith and his involvement in the LDS church. It was like God was showing me the way.
Back in the mid 1970’s I was (and still am) a big Osmond fan. When the album the Plan came out, it seemed to touch me in a way no other album had. I played it over and over and over. One day at my friends house, the doorbell rang and two Mormon Missionaries were on the doorstep. My friend and I both said, “That’s the church the Osmonds belong to” and we let them in because we thought we’d like to hear more about the Osmonds church.
Donny Osmond! Wow!! This is the cutest guy I ever saw!! I felt like I was instantly in love—all in that single moment! From that time forward, Donny Osmond was the center of my existance. I dreamed about him morning, noon, and night! I think I drove my friend crazy at our young age begging her to let me listen to her Donny Osmond records every moment I could.
Well, as I continued to get older, that draw I had for Donny Osmond never left me. I soon found out that he came from a huge family and that they all sang, and I could never get enough of them! It was like I had an obsession with them, but it just was’nt about the music, it was something deeper!
When I was 15, my father decided it was time to introduce his family to the church, (LDS). The funny thing is that I knew it was true even before I heard one word the missionaries had to say! I had such a personal and deep “one sided” relationship with the Osmonds that I knew I wanted what they had. (Whatever it was that kept me drawn to them so tightly.)
So there you have it. Apparently, get in your car and drive and the first Church you reach will be the true Church. In Utah, we all KNOW how that is going to work out. Also, if cute boys belong to a church, then it MUST be true.
April 16th, 2006 at 9:16 pm
Peculiar…Hehe.
Happy Easter!
K.
April 17th, 2006 at 7:36 am
This is a great line:
“Most of them have never been members.”
What do they mean by that? Like 65, 70% of modern polygamists weren’t raised in the mainstream LDS church? Now there’s an impressive claim to prove that there’s no connection between them!!!
By the way, my copy of Wives and Sisters arrived. I posted a picture of it on my blog here.
April 17th, 2006 at 9:22 am
It’s always something.
I have always wondered at the inablity of our government to not being able to find important things.
I was a closet Donny and Marie fan - yep Led Zepplin by day, Donny by night - it made my mom and dad happy (well not the Zepplin part.) But to change my religious followings for him, OH MI GOSH PEOPLE GET REAL. I have to say this is just beyond my capabilities of reason.
April 17th, 2006 at 10:08 am
LOL… so cute boys=true church… where can I join up???? OH no, it was the one I left. …. DANG…
April 17th, 2006 at 11:01 am
Inthenameoftheosmondsamen,
Howy
April 17th, 2006 at 11:19 am
Carol,
Look at the book! The book! In front of a French bookstore! The book!! LOL. Hey, thanks so much for writing about it on your blog. Too cool!! And of course, you are entered. I think I am going to give prizes for the entries that came from the farthest away, too. You definitely qualify there!!
Cynthia,
Stay away from the cute boys. The cute boys ONLY cause trouble! This is a truth I have learned.
Happy Easter, Kris, and everyone else who hangs out here at Trapped!
April 17th, 2006 at 11:26 am
HaHaHaHa……going to wet me britches….NATALIE COLLINS you are a hoot. Hey I think I might know where Wienie Rat Face is. I think he might be hiding in the Everglades of FL. Yah, pretty sure that’s where he is. Down there in the marsh making more products of MELALEUCA to sell to Donny Osmond and fam. He is most likely trying to transport the seeds of those trees to the west. Trying to get those non-native invasive trash trees to grow some big forests out here in god’s country. Oh boy more health products. THE CHURCH knows right where he is at all times. He’s their little scapegoat for all of their multi-level marketing crap.
April 17th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
Oh geez… multi-level marketing… hahaha I have at least three or four family members involved in that stuff… AND, my mother’s second cousin started with AMWAY in the 1970’s LOL
I saw two mishies in Carson City… nametags and everything… don’t they look younger every year??? LOL
April 17th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Good Heavens! Why didn’t I think of joining Donny’s church? Where do I sign up?
(Although I’m a bit torn, because I love Tom Cruise’s take on post-partum depression: suck it up and act like a man, girls!)
Thanks, Nat, for giving us a window onto a very strange world…
April 17th, 2006 at 6:11 pm
I think Tom Cruise is trying to create the perfect woman. I think of him as Tom Frankenstein. Can’t even watch his movies anymore. Plus, who the hell died and made him a doctor? I don’t remember hearing he even got his COLLEGE degree. Not even an associates. Where does he get off telling the world how the brain works? I think Brooke Shields should have bitchslapped him into next week. Obviously, she handled it with much more class….
April 17th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
FYI, I think we should start a campaign to free Katie Holmes. Although, considering her current pregnant state, it is entirely possible it is TOO late.
April 17th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
Natalie….even though I only know you from your book Wives and Sisters and from reading your blog for a few months….I have a feeling that you have a VERY FUNNY book in you somewhere. I read some where that someone had said you must be an angry person for talking about the Mo’s. HaHaHa The way I see it is you have the ability take any situation and find pure HUMOR in this wacked out human race. Your blog starts out with Weenie Rat Face, goes through the life and times of DONny and is now at Dr. Tom Frankenstein. NOW THAT’S FUNNY
April 17th, 2006 at 10:22 pm
I am so with you Natalie, I can not stand to hear Tom Cruise’s voice, see his picture, or hearing the words, “Oh, absolutely.” Any more. Ugh, I’ll bitchslap the man for poluting the world with his verbal smog.
Soyu, I agree with you she’s got funny buried deep inside her - and I predict it will erupt into a very funny book.
April 17th, 2006 at 11:22 pm
Hey Natalie, I’m glad you liked my little photo!!! Would you like me to email you the full-resolution version? Also I have another that’s more of a close-up so you can not only read the title of Wives and Sisters but you can also see the window display about Shakespeare (because this is our town’s one English bookstore dontchaknow).
As I mentioned on my blog, I really enjoyed your book. I had it read before I even got around to posting that picture.
Also, I would like to echo SuYO’s comment. Given the funny stuff on your blog, you could write a comedy novel about Mormons as well…
April 18th, 2006 at 11:01 am
ummm.. yes… comedy Mormonism… definitely. LOL
April 18th, 2006 at 12:24 pm
Carol,
I would LOVE to have a copy of the photo. I’ll post it, along with a link, back to your blog, too!
All those asking for comedy Mormonism, well, I DO have a pretty funny mystery series coming from Berkley, about psycho dance moms. And oddly enough, it’s set in Ogden, Utah!
April 18th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
“Mormons are a Peculiar People”
There’s a difference between “peculiar” and bloody weird. Mormons tend towards the latter.
April 18th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Free Katie Holmes…free Katie Holmes…LOL.
K.
April 19th, 2006 at 1:05 pm
Natalie.
One possible explanation for the Mormon Church is that, when God was but a wee diety hanging out in a burger joint on Kolob, he was tricked into joining a MLM scheme. Since then he has been desparately creating planets so that everyone in the pyramid can get their pay off.
It is interesting how close polygamy is in structure to an MLM. In a MLM you are supposed to add seven people to your brick in the pyramid. Those seven people are suppose to add seven people and so on. When your branch of the MLM pyramid gets big enough you get to join the inner circle.
In polygamy, you have to get 3 wives. Each wife drops 7 kids. The boys in the group then have to get 3 wives who drop 7 kids. When your branch of the pyramid grows large enough you get a spot in the inner circle.
As for Donny. It would be interesting to see how many wives a rock star could rack if given a chance.
April 21st, 2006 at 3:35 pm
Good analogy, KD. Very interesting! And I agree about Donny, hence my new slogan, What Would Donny Do, or WWDD.
April 28th, 2006 at 10:52 am
Donny Osmond a ROCK STAR……HAHAHA…..Since when? Oh I think a true rock star could come up with many wives…..I know…. my son is a true ROCK DRUMMER and yes he gets the woman. But Donny Osmond is a long long way from being a rock star. Not sure what section they put D.O. in the music stores anymore………..CTR maybe? Oh he did have that one “HOT” song……JUST LIKE A YOYO
June 25th, 2006 at 9:27 am
LOL. Natalie surprised you would go to the Donnycom site! That is desperate! I went to see for myself and these people are BRAINWASHED! So many FAT people and another place where they go is this OPOSITIVE which is for O- overweighted Osmond fans! I have read some who still want to marry the guy, follow him everywhere! Guess Donny is lucky to have at least fat, menopausel mormons following him! At least David Cassidy fans are better looking and in good shape!
June 27th, 2006 at 7:12 am
Actually I am KNOW these sites and will say that cliques are the IN thing! Go and read any Osmond site and you will find the biggest bunch of losers around! YES they are overweight and their self esteems are questionable! They are constantly on these sites as they seem to have no life! If these greater than though Osmond worshipers would use their time better, they wouldn’t be so messed up! Want proof, just go and see for yourself!
Oh I got their because of a interview that Donny O had with Tony Danza and mentioned the site he had! Did I mentioned Danza is cancelled? Seems everything that Osmond boy touches is canned! The family value thing is a joke! Look at their lives, divorce, panic, sex abuse, money issues, egos, I can go on! Wholesome eh? If you think that is a Jerry Springer Show, dig the people who frequent them! If you have nothing better to do, go there. If you want to be put to sleep, go there! Osmond’s assistant is a trip too!
See that I am not the only one with this same opinion!
October 27th, 2006 at 4:27 am
Rebecya Says:
June 25th, 2006 at 9:27 am
So many FAT people and another place where they go is this OPOSITIVE which is for O- overweighted Osmond fans!
*****ONLY SOMEONE WHO IS AN OSMOND FAN WOULD KNOW ABOUT OPOSITIVE****** You must be as two-faced as they come.
Other than that, as an Osmond fan I will attest that most fans do become familiar with the LDS religion because of the Osmonds. Many join because of the Osmonds. I did my 70’s investigation. Didn’t convert because I found no truth to the teachings.
October 27th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Okay, I have had my good laugh of the day, at all the stupidity of the people on here (with the exception of Just an observer. Kudos to you Just.
I, for one, am LDS and proud of it. Only those who know nothing about the Church call it a cult. And if you really investigated the church you will know the real reason why the plural marriages started and why they ended. And I DID NOT join because I am a Donny fan, quite the opposite. I joined becuase it was the right Church for me. The Osmonds are very good Missionaries for the Church, although yes, there were fans who joined only because they were Osmond “fans”, and not for the right reasons.
And as for O-Positive again you couldn’t be any more ignorant in your opinions. Not everyone on that site is fat, quite the opposite. And we are there as friends FIRST!, Osmond fans second. Obviously you had no friends there which is why you didn’t fit in. You are the one with no life or you wouldn’t spend so much time bashing others. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
October 27th, 2006 at 5:41 pm
Now that is interesting —my comment has disappeared. Wonder why?