I spent this past weekend up in Logan, with Dancing Daughter, at one of our final competitions this year. Only one more to go, and since it’s Nationals, and it takes place in Burbank, California, we’re pretty excited about going. I get to have lunch dates with my California author friends while Dancing Daughter, well, dances her little heart out. Bad thing is it falls IMMEDIATELY after Thrillerfest, where I am also going, and speaking on a panel, and so I shall fly into Salt Lake City only to turn around and fly right back out the next day. Sigh.

I suspect I will be as tired then as I am today. Although Logan is not far from here, it was a very big competition, and it ran long and late, and Dancing Daughter is upstairs sleeping, something she never does.

Utah is an interesting place to attend dance competitions. Because Dance Teacher is fairly progressive, not even slightly conservative, and basically does what LOOKS good, not what will make the masses of Mormons happy, there is often controversy following our dance studio.

Another studio we compete against regularly–a studio who is very good, by the way, and thus should really have no reason to complain, since they can win on their own right and without making complaints and nasty backhanded comments–was once again absolutely APPALLED by the inappropriateness of one of our routines. They have complained at one other competition, and made no bones about their complaints again this weekend. These people apparently live in the “my television does not turn off and I cannot tear my eyes from the horrible acts in front of me, so I am suing” school of thought and action.

Come on, the Pussycat Dolls are really in right now, and everybody is doing pole dancing routines! Who cares if they are 11- to 14-year-olds? We all know that a few of them are going to end up either putting those pole dancing skills to good use or asking “do you want fries with that?” so what is wrong with preparing them for their futures NOW?

Kidding, of course, although you wouldn’t know it from the reactions.

The routine is “Cell Block Tango: He Had it Coming,” from the Chicago soundtrack. Incidentally, the routine ALSO won best costume, and a HIGH GOLD medal. And I suspect the REAL objection is that the cut includes the part about Ezekial Young from Salt Lake City. The man who was SHOT after his wife found out he had SIX wives, not one. More knee-jerk reactions from uptight Mormons.

I want to tell you right now that we have Mormon girls doing that routine, and that their Mormon parents are GOOD Mormon parents. They just have enough intelligence to be able to put things into perspective.

What I found most amusing was the
end results. The OTHER STUDIO? The one I SHOULD name but will choose not to? The one that is very, very good and the one that COULD and DOES win on their own right? They ended up sharing the spotlight with OUR team. Boo hoo. They won one of two final awards (the biggest of the night) that are the most important of the competition. They won for the MOST high gold, gold, or platinum routines. And our studio? We won for the HIGHEST STUDIO AVERAGE. All of our routines took gold or higher.

Kudos to the judges for recognizing quality and putting things into perspective. Shame on the owners of the OTHER STUDIO for the self-righteous, nasty, and narrowminded attitude that they are passing on to their students.

Those Mormons just crack me up. Seems they have joined forces with a group of other conservative religious folk to convince people that marriage is only meant to be between a man and a woman.

As they try to align themselves with mainstream Christians once again, praying all the while that the mainstream Christians do NOT look in their collective underwear drawer, I would like to remind them that their prophet and founder, Joseph Smith, Jr., believed in marriage between one man and a woman and another woman and another woman and another woman and another woman and another woman….

Of course, that was then. This is NOW, and in today’s Mormon world, there ain’t no polygamy. At least among the mainstream Mormons.

But the Mormons who are living the church the way JOSEPH SMITH and early leaders taught it are STILL practicing polygamy.

Now, you might wonder what the early Church leaders taught about polygamy. Today, I would like to share that with you. I should note that EVERY time I research this stuff, I end up finding out things that surprise me. For example, I NEVER knew that early Church leaders taught that Jesus was married AND a polygamist, too! So there, Dan Brown! You weren’t the first one with the idea!

Now, the quotes follow. (Thanks to www.realmormonhistory.com, where I found most of these.) And to those who would say I took them OUT of context, I say “Good luck putting them INTO context.”

Heber C. Kimball, second councilor to Brigham Young, on how monogamy makes a man wither and dry up:

“I have noticed that a man who has BUT ONE WIFE, and is inclined to that doctrine, soon begins to WITHER AND DRY UP, while a man who goes into PLURALITY looks fresh, YOUNG AND SPRIGHTLY. Why is this? Because God loves that man, and because he honors his word. Some of you may not believe this, but I not only believe it but I also know it. FOR A MAN OF GOD TO BE CONFINED TO ONE WOMAN IS SMALL BUSINESS,… I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO IF WE HAD ONLY ONE WIFE APIECE.” (Deseret News, April 22, 1857)

Brigham Young declares monogamy a system established by robbers:

“Monogamy, or restrictions by law to ONE WIFE, IS NO PART OF THE ECONOMY OF HEAVEN AMONG MEN. Such a system was commenced by the founders of the Roman empire….Rome became the mistress of the world, and introduced this order of monogamy wherever her sway was acknowledged. Thus this MONOGAMIC ORDER OF MARRIAGE, so esteemed by modern Christians as a HOLY SACRAMENT and DIVINE INSTITUTION, is nothing but a system established by a SET OF ROBBERS….

“Why do we believe in and practice polygamy? Because the Lord introduced it to his servants in a revelation given to Joseph Smith, and the Lord’s servants have always practised it. ‘And IS THAT RELIGION POPULAR IN HEAVEN?’ IT IS THE ONLY POPULAR RELIGION THERE,…” (The Deseret News, August 6, 1862)

George A. Smith - Monogamists should be ashamed:

“We breathe the free air, we have the best looking men and handsomest women, and if they envy us our position, well they may, for they are a poor, NARROW MINDED, PINCH-BACKED RACE OF MEN, WHO CHAIN THEMSELVES DOWN TO THE LAW OF MONOGAMY AND LIVE ALL THEIR DAYS UNDER THE DOMINION OF ONE WIFE. They ought to be ASHAMED OF SUCH CONDUCT, and the still fouler channel which flows from their practices; and it is not to be wondered at that they should envy those who so much better understand the social relations.” (Deseret News, April 16, 1856)

Brigham Young - Monogamy is the source of prostitution and whoredom:

“Since the founding of the Roman empire monogamy has prevailed more extensively than in times previous to that. The founders of that ancient empire were robbers and women stealers, and made laws favoring monogamy in consequence of the scarcity of women among them, and hence this MONOGAMIC SYSTEM which now prevails throughout Christendom, and which had been so fruitful a source of PROSTITUTION AND WHOREDOM throughout all the Christian monogamic cities of the Old and New World, until rottenness and decay are at the root of their institutions both national and religious.”
(Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11, p. 128)

From the Mormon church paper “millenial star”:

“… THE ONE-WIFE SYSTEM NOT ONLY DEGENERATES THE HUMAN FAMILY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND INTELLECTUALLY, but it is entirely incompatible with philosophical notions of immortality; IT IS A LURE TO TEMPTATION, AND HAS ALWAYS PROVED A CURSE TO A PEOPLE.” (Millennial Star, Vol. 15, p. 227)

Mormon apostle Orson Pratt explains that the debauched state of Europe is due to monogamy:

“Some of the nations of Europe who believe in the one wife system have actually forbidden a plurality of wives by their laws; and the consequences are that the whole country among them is overrun with the most abomi[na]ble practices? Adulteries and unlawful connections prevail through all their villages, towns, cities, and country places to a most fearful extent.” (The Seer, p. 12)

George Q. Cannon - Monogamy responsible for the decline and fall of the Roman Empire:

“It is a fact worthy of note that the shortest lived nations of which we have record have been monogamic. Rome…was a MONOGAMIC NATION AND THE NUMEROUS EVILS ATTENDING THAT SYSTEM EARLY LAID THE FOUNDATION FOR THAT RUIN WHICH EVENTUALLY OVERTOOK HER.”
(Journal of Discourses, Vol. 13, p. 202)

Apostle Orson Pratt:

“This law of MONOGAMY, or the MONOGAMIC SYSTEM, laid the foundation for prostitution and the evils and diseases of the most revolting nature and character under which modern Christendom groans,…”
(Journal of Discourses, Vol. 13, page 195)

Brigham Young - Adam was a polygamist:

“Now hear it, O inhabitants of the earth, Jew and Gentile, Saint and Sinner! When OUR FATHER ADAM came into the the garden of Eden, he came into it with a celestial body, and brought Eve, ONE OF HIS WIVES WITH HIM.”
(Journal of Discourses, Vol. 1, page 50)

Apostle Orson Hyde on Jesus as a polygamist:

“I discover that some of the Eastern papers represent me as a great blasphemer, because I said, in my lecture on Marriage, at our last Conference, that JESUS CHRIST WAS MARRIED at Cana of Galilee, THAT MARY, MARTHA, AND OTHERS WERE HIS WIVES, AND THAT HE BEGAT CHILDREN.
(Journal of Discourses, Vol. 2, page 210)

Brigham Young, answering critics who claimed polygamy as a relic of barbarism:

“ Yes, one of the relics of Adam, of Enoch, of Noah, of Abraham, of Isaac, of Jacob, of Moses, David, Solomon, the Prophets, OF JESUS, AND HIS APOSTLES.” (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11, page 328)

Brigham Young:

“The Scripture says that He, the LORD, came walking in the Temple, with HIS TRAIN; I do not now who they were, unless HIS WIVES AND CHILDREN;…” (Journal of Discourses, Vol. 13, page 309)

Apostle Orson Pratt:

“…it will be seen that the GREAT MESSIAH who was the founder of the Christian religion, WAS A POLYGAMIST, …the MESSIAH chose…by MARRYING MANY honorable WIVES himself, show to all future generations that HE approbated the PLURALITY OF WIVES under the Christian dispensation, as well as under the dispensation in which His Polygamist ancestors lived. “We have now clearly shown that GOD THE FATHER HAD A PLURALITY OF WIVES, one or more being in eternity, by whom He begat our spirits as well as the spirit of Jesus His first Born, and another being upon the earth by whom He begat the tabernacle of Jesus, as his only begotten in this world. We have also proved most clearly that the Son followed the example of his Father, and became the great Bridegroom to whom kings’ daughters and many honorable wives were to be married We have also proved that both God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ inherit THEIR WIVES IN ETERNITY as well as in time;… And then it would be so shocking to the modesty of the very pious ladies of Christendom to see Abraham and his wives, Jacob and his wives, JESUS AND HIS HONORABLE WIVES, all eating occasionally at the same table, and visiting one another, and conversing about their numerous children and their kingdoms. Oh, ye delicate ladies of Christendom how can you endure such a scene as this?… If you do not want your morals corrupted, and your delicate ears shocked, and your pious modesty put to the blush by the society of POLYGAMISTS and their wives, do not venture near the New Earth; for POLYGAMISTS will be honored there, and will be among the chief rulers in that Kingdom.”
(The Seer, page 172)

Brigham Young - To become a god, one must be a polygamist:

“The ONLY MEN WHO BECOME GODS, even the Sons of God, are those WHO ENTER INTO POLYGAMY.”(Journal of Discourses, Vol. 11, page 269)

Well. That kinda says it all.

That’s right, just SEVEN more days to enter the WIVES AND SISTERS sighting contest. So far, it’s been spotted from coast to coast in the US and Canada, and thanks to Kai, in the UK, too!! Of course, special mention MUST go to C. Hanson, who even sent a picture of the book she had to SPECIAL order in France.

You can read more about the contest here:
http://www.nataliercollins.com/contest.php

The grand prize winner gets a basket of signed books from great authors like New York times Bestselling Author Tess Gerritsen, Bestselling Author Allison Brennan, the rest of the lovely ladies at MurderSheWrites and a whole lot more!

Send your entries to WivesandSisters@aol.com.

Come on, you know you want to be one. Who hasn’t? Well, maybe not a fly. Those things are GROSS. I mean, have you seen them up close? Those eyes, and those disease-carrying, tentacle thingies… Eeeewiiie. I digress.

Today, the author of a new young adult book, A Fly on the Wall, E. Lockhart has come to visit! And she answered the usual Trapped questions for us. You’ll remember E. from the last time she visited, with her book, The Boyfriend List. So here we go.

If you had to be “Trapped” somewhere, where would it be?

I am quite claustrophobic, which is a bit of what I was writing about in Fly on the Wall, actually. My main character, Gretchen, gets turned into this fly on the wall of the boys’ locker room at her school — she can’t get out, no matter what she does. She can’t figure out how to flip back. She has to just accept it — until something inside her changes, and she can return to human form. I think that struggle to deal with entrapment is a fascinating element in fiction.

I pick my grandmother’s beach house. It is beautiful there and at least there would be a lot of fresh air and sunlight.
Though there are also spiders.

If you could pick your “Trapped” companions, what three people would you want with you, and why?

My family, of course. But let’s pretend they don’t exist.

1) Eddie Izzard. That man makes me laugh so very very much. But unlike David Sedaris (maybe too needy and neurotic) or Margaret Cho (kind of angry), both of whom also crack me up, I feel like Izzard would just make life in the beach house effervescent. It would be Eddie’s job to humanely deposit the spiders somewhere they couldn’t bother me.

2) Anthony Bourdin. I am a food person. Bourdin would cook things involving expensive cheese and tell amusing travel anecdotes.

3) Madonna. She really annoys me, but then I like her again. I would never be bored! I could convert her to my ideas about children’s literature, and by following her exercise routines I would come out of my entrapment quite fit indeed, despite Bourdin’s cooking.

If you could only pick five books to be “Trapped” with, what would they be?

Since I write novels for teenagers, I’ll pick five Young Adult books that warrant reading and rereading:

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. It is so raw and passionate.

Looking for Alaska by John Green. This book is really introspective and also hugely funny.

Sloppy Firsts by Megan McCafferty. I just think she captures something very true about being young.

Weetzie Bat by Francesca Lia Block. This book is visionary and has crazy style.

Angus, Thongs & Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison. Makes me laugh out loud. Repeatedly.

What ONE famous person would you absolutely NOT want to be “Trapped” with?

Courtney Love. Need I say more?

You can bring three things from your “former” life to “Trapped.” What would those three things be?

A crate of books. A laptop. Really good moisturizer.

Where is one place you absolutely would NOT want to be “Trapped.”

An airplane.

So, there you have it! Great answers from E., and very thought-provoking. I definitely would not want to be trapped ANYWHERE with Courtney Love, so I think she’s on to something. And if you want to learn more about her books, here are some great links.

The website:
http://www.theboyfriendlist.com

A Quiz — “what’s your fly style” made by my publisher. You can enter to win a free copy, too. It’s pretty funny and has animation.
http://www.randomhouse.com/teens/flyonthewall/

Preview Chapter One:
http://www.randomhouse.com/teens/flyonthewall/excerpt.html

Preview the AudioBook:
http://www.theboyfriendlist.com/e_lockhart/files/FlyontheWall.mp3

Blog:
http://www.theboyfriendlist.com/e_lockhart_blog/

Well, it’s official. The offspring of FrankenTom and StepfordKat has been born. Apparently, it’s a girl, although for a while today, it was up in the air just exactly WHAT they had given birth to. Given Tom’s leanings toward scientology, and his opinion that God at some point sucked out his brain, filled it with all the higher knowledge and power of the universe and then replaced it, I half expected some advanced version of the Stepford wife Katie Holmes has become, except with the ability to shoot laserbeams from her eyeballs and cure severe depression just by saying, YOU ARE NOT DEPRESSED. IT’S A CONSPIRACY. YOU JUST NEED VITAMINS.

I could yet be proved right.