Things I’ve Learned
This Friday, I shall reach the age of 43. I did not ever think I would get this old, but be damned if it didn’t happen. So, in honor of that occasion, in about nine days (more or less; I don’t like math, and thus am not counting) I am going to Mexico with four of my closest friends. We shall drink tequila and Coronas with lime, and sit on the beach, and talk about all the things we’ve learned—and a helluvalotta things we haven’t learned yet, but are willing to try and and discover. In honor of that, my birthday, and just because I have reached an age where I can do some things solely because I feel like it, I have decided to share some things I’ve learned with all of you. I know. You’re thrilled.
1. Do not give digital equipment of ANY kind to any child over the age of 12. Should you make this mistake, you will discover that NO, you cannot boogie like you think you can, even fueled by tequila and poor judgment. Just remember: children and digital equipment=bad.
2. Disco was NEVER a good idea, even back in the 1970s. It’s an even worse choice when you are nearly 43 and drinking tequila. You are NOT the dancing queen. There is digital proof.
3. If you drop a cell phone into a Frodka (Fresca and Vodka) chances are it will not survive. (Don’t ask. I’m not even sure how I did it myself.)
4. If you keep your store of Diet Dr. Pepper out on the back porch, because it’s really cold out there, and then it gets even MORE than really cold, there is a good chance that the cans will explode and you will think someone is shooting at you when you hear that noise. Even worse, when your heart slows down and gets back to normal, if you bring the cans in, and put them in the sink, hoping they will thaw, and ONE explodes in there, the DOG will think you are hunting him, and will hide for hours, and sulk. He will think that the one person he loves the VERY VERY MOST is trying to kill him with flying frozen shards of Diet Dr. Pepper. (My apologies to Stormy the Wonder Dog. The only thing I hunt for is my keys. I was NOT trying to kill you. And even if I was, flying Diet Dr. Pepper would not have been my weapon of choice. I’d have gone for an Uzi.)
5. A wild weekend when you are nearly 43 is not the same as a wild weekend when you are nearly 21. A wild weekend of 43 usually ends around 11 p.m., instead of 5 a.m. The only reason I am awake at five a.m. these days is because I have to pee. The bladder is not as strong as it used to be.
6. A wild weekend at nearly 43 is not terribly exciting. It involves dance performances, and birthday parties for 16-year-olds that just yesterday were two, and walking around your house asking you, “Nana, gum? Nana, gum?” These days, they want the car keys. Fuck the gum.
7. Speaking of gum, Stormy the Wonder Dog likes gum. It is not pretty.
8. If you get the hiccups, and you are over the age of, oh, twelve, YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
So, there you have it. Apparently, I have not learned a lot in my life. I’m sure I’ll think of some more later, but for now, I have this to say. Dance Teachers do not hold their liquor. Dance Teacher, stay away from the Tequila. Thank you. That is all.
February 13th, 2006 at 10:02 am
Darn, my surprise birthday card won’t surprise you Friday, you remembered it’s your birthday. Have fun in Cabo or whereever you will bask in the sun, and have a margaurita for me.
February 13th, 2006 at 11:02 am
Happy Birthday, Brat! After all the “old” comments I’ve endured from you, it tickles me to see you rapidly approaching the hump age. Now, before you make something out of the hump age that it isn’t, let me explain. The hump age is 45. It’s actually a kind of no man’s land. You don’t feel so old but you’re on the back side of 40 and it’s coated in oil. Enjoy the last leg of an uphill climb and start perfecting your form for the downhill slide on Humpback Mountain. Humpback Mountain, heh heh . . .
Howy
February 13th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
Mmmm a Frodka sounds good.
Enjoy your birthday!
February 13th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Happy birthday, Natalie, and thank you for sharing your hard earned wisdom with the rest of us.
February 13th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
Happy Birthday when it comes, Natalie! Hey, never bemoan growing older…unless you’d prefer the alternative.
Have a great day!
February 13th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
That was absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the laugh. And happy (early) birthday to you. Mexico sounds like a blast. Have a fun (and safe) trip.
February 15th, 2006 at 8:33 pm
Happy Birthday, Natalie!! Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve visited but I LOVE your new look.
I wanted you to know we got a new dog who apparently hates Mormons. When the two boy/men rode up on their bikes, Sugar went after them like a cat wrapped in bacon. Not to discriminate, but she also abhors the Jehovah Witnesses, too.
Hope all is well, hon.
February 15th, 2006 at 10:33 pm
Thanks to all for the birthday wishes, and hey, Tish, welcome back! Where ya been?
February 16th, 2006 at 12:30 am
Hysterical post. Thanks for the great chuckle.
Happy Birthday as well. Disco is timeless - John Travolta is still around. He would be NOWHERE if not for Saturday Night Live! Besides, excessive alcohol (how DID you break the cell phone?), dancing (especially disco), and a happy occassion are the best kind of entertainment, not only for yourself, but those around you.
I’m still having horrible flashbacks to a conference I attended last year - I guess at one point I was a dancin’ machine. Oh, the horror of too much tequila.
February 16th, 2006 at 10:47 pm
Well, Sideon, see, there was this drink, and … Oh, for hell’s sake, I don’t really KNOW how it happened, except I’m getting old, and don’t have a good grasp on things (literally) and the damn phone rang and PLOP, into the drink it went.
Tequila is a great flashback machine. Or not so great. Whichever way you want to look at it. …
February 17th, 2006 at 11:09 am
You’re getting older, not “old”.
Your story still has me chuckling. Thank you.
February 17th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
Happy Birthday!
February 17th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
Put another candle on the birthday cake,
we’re gonna bake a birthday cake…
well maybe we should just make that a nice stiff drink.
Happy Birthday Natalie