This year, on December 23, Joseph Smith, Jr., prophet and founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, will turn 200 years old. Accordingly, there is much “to do” in the Mormon community regarding Smith’s birthday. In fact, this year, it’s as if they are celebrating a “Merry Smithmas.”

I even heard they had a “nativity” of Joseph’s birth set up on the Brigham Young University campus, although I have not had this validated.

But none of this is any surprise to me. Although Jesus Christ’s name plays big in the official church moniker, the Mormons have never really been “all about Jesus.” Rather, Joseph has always had a more prominent place in the theology. And that, of course, is how Joseph Smith would have it.

Read the very words of Joseph Smith, Jr., himself.

“I have more to boast of than ever any man had. I am the only man that has ever been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter, nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from Him; but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me yet.”

History of the Church Vol. 6, p. 408-412

Merry Smithmas!

Are we there yet? Less than three months until the mass market paperback edition of WIVES AND SISTERS is released.

And a little more than a year until Behind Closed Doors is released.

Are we there yet, are we there yet, are we there yet?

I’ve been tagged with a meme, from my author friend Deborah LeBlanc. I really was not sure what these were, and even admit someone might have sent one to me before and I thought maybe it was a spam email and ignored it. So if that was you, please forgive me.

But I know Deb, so I knew this was no spam. Whether I am doing it right or not remains to be seen. But here’s my reading secrets.

1. I am not a fan of historical romance and I think Fabio, the famous cover model, is ugly.

2. I reread favorite books over and over again. I’ve read Stephen King’s The Stand more times than I can count on both hands. I read Deborah Smith’s A Place to Call Home at least 10 times. Same with Barbara Kingsolver’s Poisonwood Bible.

3. I make myself get through every book, but if I have to MAKE myself get through a book, I do NOT reread it. Surprise, surprise.

4. I do not publicly denounce other authors. While some are favorites, and some are not, I only truly have one author–a bestselling one, to boot, who shall remain nameless–whom I truly believe should have her fingers chopped off so she can never write another single, trite, improbable word again in her life. And no, I’m not telling. That secret will remain secret.

5. I don’t read in genres. A book is a book. I have a few I DON’T read very often–science fiction, fantasy, and anything paranormal or about vampires–but I would never say I wouldn’t read in these genres. A good book is a good book. If you can make me believe it, I will read it.

6. I enjoyed the “plot” of Da Vinci Code, even though I found the writing pedantic. Let the stoning commence.

7. I would rather read a book than do just about anything else.

8. I don’t read self-help books. Yeah, yeah, you all think I need help. Well, too damn bad. I’m not getting it.

9. When I re-read my own books for the first time, I am convinced I write worse dreck than the abovementioned bestselling author who should have her fingers cut off.

10. I likes books in series. Favorites authors with series include Tess Gerritsen, Lisa Gardner, Jonathan Kellerman, Jennifer Apodaca, Janet Evanovich, John Sandford, and I KNOW that I’m going to love Allison Brennan’s new series, which comes out this month. I can hardly wait to read it!

And that’s it. Okay, I get to tag three authors.

1. Allison Brennan–you’re it! www.allisonbrennan.com
2. Shirley Kawa-Jump–you’re it! www.shirleyjump.com
3. Mary Dejah Tyler–you’re it! www.skatefic.com

I received a very nice email tonight from a new Mormon, and felt inspired to answer it in depth. I do get nice emails, even though they are almost always somewhat questioning. I’ve removed the emailer’s name.

message: I want to ask you a question, several actually, but I can’t get the words to come out. Having recently been baptized in the Mormon Church, I have seen nothing but good. I have endured the worst two years of my life, and it was the Mormons who came to my home with kindness, encouragement, and even food - not my friends, fellow church members, etc. Are we talking about the same church?

This is a common tactic they use. They reach out to the vulnerable and with extreme kindness. And some of them really are kind. These are NOT bad people, XXXXX, and I have never said that. Most of the good Mormons I know are just that. Good. I know bad Mormons, too. Again, they are bad. In short, they are all just people.

That is why being swayed by the way the people are treating you is a very big problem. It’s not about the people, it’s about the tenets and beliefs. And that is one of the reason I get so irked when people claim that all ex-Mormons leave “the true Gospel” because of the people, or someone offended them, or they couldn’t live up to the standards. The truth, most of the time, is that we leave because we discover what a sham it all is.

I know that Joseph Smith had more than one wife, but so did Solomon.

Does that make it okay? Consider the time frame, here. There’s really no comparison. And why would God suddenly make polygamy a policy again? How conveniently did Joseph Smith get prophecies when he wanted something? Not only did Joseph Smith have more than one wife, but he had a pining for young girls, and he used GOD to convince Emma she had better shut up and do what he wanted and not complain. Entire portions of the Doctrine and Covenants are directed at Emma, telling her she better accept “God’s word” about polygamy or she was in deep, deep doo doo.

Have you read No Man Knows My History? It’s a very good biography of Joseph Smith, and very fair.

I know that much from being raised Baptist. The pamphlet I was given recently to distribute to friends and family was an official statement by the church stating that a family consists of a mother and a father raising children. It doesn’t mention multiple mothers, sister wives, etc. In fact, nothing I have found, and I have read a lot, mentions polygamy in today’s church.

Of course it doesn’t, because it is not politically correct, and the Mormon Church has been mainstreaming itself for years. Gordon B. Hinckley is a HUGE PR man, and very good at spinning, and that has always been his goal. I remember when we used to DISTANCE ourself from Christians. We were Mormons, not Christians. Now Mormons get offended when other sects imply they are not Christian. But it was not always that way. And the belief of polygamy is still there, it’s just hidden. Most kids don’t even know it exists. They don’t know it is taught as an eternal concept for life in the Celestial Kingdom. You might not know that either, but it is.

All it takes is some good, old fashioned research to discover that what the church presents to you is NOT the whole story. Much of what I discovered was in the pages of the Official Church History that I checked out from my local Utah library. I told my sister about it, and she accused me of reading “anti” material. When I told her where I found it, she refused to listen anymore.

As for Mormon prophets, Brigham Young taught that Adam was God, and God was Adam. It is called the Adam/God Doctrine, but they have hidden that teaching away. Have you heard about the racist teachings of Brigham Young? Nope? Sure you haven’t. But they are there. All you have to do is look.

Spencer W. Kimball taught that the American Indian children living in Mormon homes were slowly becoming whiter than their brothers and sisters on the reservation, so that soon they would be “white and delightsome.” He meant their skin. That’s been changed in the Book of Mormon, today. Now it says “pure and delightsome.”

Spencer Kimball also taught that it was better to die fighting off a rapist than to lose one’s “chastity.” That teaching alone has created more mentally unstable rape victims in Mormonism than any other I can think of.

By bestowing “modern-day prophecy” on these guys, they have set themselves up for failure. Gordon B. Hinckley has realized that of course, and told Larry King on Larry King Live that his revelations were not him talking to God, but “more like an impression.”

At any rate, I’m missing the Mormon gene, apparently. This gene makes it easy to accept these things and explain the ugly things away. I also don’t do crafts very well, and am not even slightly domestic. In short, I suck as a Mormon.

Maybe you’ll do better. I doubt it though. I can hear the questions in your writing, and the desire to make sure you’ve made “the right choice.” So I’ll end this way. I’m not sure there is “one right choice.” Or “one right way.” I suspect a lot of what we hear God saying is coming from man himself, with a “man” spin on it, and so it’s hard to determine what God is actually telling us. Even the Bible gets interpreted by men. Look at the Jehovah’s Witnesses. They are pretty literal Bible believers, and I’d rather poke my eyes out with sharp sticks than chat with THEIR missionaries on my doorstep. Because if I DID listen, after I poked my eyes out and was bleeding profusely, I would have to die without a blood transplant, because God told us not to do that, either!

As for me, I’m pretty sure God has told us, “stop killing each other you idiots,” and “sleeping with your brother’s wife is not acceptable behavior.” I’m pretty sure he didn’t tell us, “Men need more than one wife because I said so,” (I mean, come on, have you EVER heard a good reason for polygamy, other than “God told us it was right.”).

I am curious, and I realize I have no right to ask, but do you practice any religion in your life now? I’m just curious because your writing is so tight and to the point; obviously, you have a quick, well-developed mind. Is it possible you have over-intellectualized faith and religion?

Not really, unless you call realizing there probably isn’t “one true thing,” overintellectualizing. I am a mainstream Christian, attending a Presbyterian church, but not really calling myself Presbyterian. I just like the pastor there, who happens to be a former Mormon, returned missionary, etc., and he understands where I’ve come from. It’s his background, too. So often when Mormons discover they’ve been fed a pack of lies their whole life they throw it all out, and become avowed atheists. That’s okay, I guess, but I’ve never really been able to convince myself there isn’t a supreme being, or that living a Christian lifestyle isn’t good. Of course, I had my time right after leaving Mormonism where I was pretty lost. That explains some of the other things I’ve alluded to in this blog. But we don’t have to go there right now.

I suppose that’s a rhetorical question because I normally ask such a personal question of a total stranger. There is something about your writing that, I don’t know, haunts me.

It’s okay. You asked it kindly, and with obvious sincerity, so I don’t mind answering. Also, either you know how to spell, or you use your spell checker, and that helps my frame of mind. Just ask regular Trapped by the Mormons reader Kris, a Mormon who, by the way, I truly appreciate. She makes me think about the things I say and why I say them. And how can you complain about that?

You write with such authority and confidence, just as I write about growing up in the South with a closeknit family of Baptists and Democrats.

You aren’t going to hear the real “truths” of Mormonism from anywhere inside the church. They do not support intellectualism or investigation, and if you went to your bishop TODAY and told him you were writing to me, he would probably tell you to IMMEDIATELY stop. You could try it tonight, just as an experiment. I can almost guarantee the results.

But the bottom line is this. You have to decide for yourself. If you really want to know the history of Mormonism, I can lead you in the right direction, and no, I don’t necessarily mean “anti” books and Web sites. The real truth can be found in actual Church books.

What you need to ask yourself is, “Do I really want to know?” Because if it has given you peace, at a tough time in your life, maybe you should just leave it be. My sister has lived her entire life in utter belief. It helps her get by, on a daily basis. Nothing BAD has ever happened to her because she is a Mormon. And she likes it. It’s comforting, and it’s what we grew up with, and it helps her get through every day with purpose. My mother is kind of the same way, although there were a lot of trials when we were growing up that WERE tied to Mormonism. Still, at the end of the day, she finds more about Mormonism that gives her comfort, and so she can forget the stuff that backfired on her.

Life is tough. Every day we get up and face the unknown. Every day children die at the hand of someone they trust. Every day children face the realization the world is an ugly place. Every day women are raped. Every day Mormons die. Every day Mormons are born. Being Mormon, or Christian, or Muslim does not SAVE anyone. At least not right now. What happens after is something we can’t answer. Debbi Kent was a Mormon, and that didn’t stop Ted Bundy from killing her. Lori Hacking was Mormon, too, and that didn’t stop her husband from killing her.

The reason most people are attracted to Mormonism, in my not-so-important opinion, is because of the definitive answers it offers. There is NO unknowing aspect of Mormonism. You really get the answers as to what will happen.

Some people need that. And all the pesky questions about the realities of the religion, or the questionable and unsupported beliefs, don’t matter, because SOMEONE HAS GIVEN THEM THE ANSWER.

“Now we know, and it’s exactly what I wanted to hear!”

I guess I’ve never been that set on knowing the definitive answer. Yes, I want to know where my children are going, and who they will be with, and when they are coming home, and if they can’t provide that, they are NOT going.

But the big picture? I don’t harangue them daily about where they are going to go to college, or who they will marry, or how many children they will have, because those are questions without answers right now. And I can accept that.

And maybe that’s what, above everything else, makes me different.

I have a confession. Oh, look at me. Not even one sentence into my post and I’m already digressing, but you know, I always liked that whole Catholic “confessing your sins thing.” And the sign of the cross. Those parts of Catholicism are pretty cool. I learned the sign of the cross when I was (temporarily) taking catechism classes because I was dating a really hot Italian guy named Pepper (no, I am not making this up). I wanted to be his salt. Heh. Anyway, I liked that cross thingie. I didn’t retain much else, including Pepper, who apparently slept with half of Salt Lake because everywhere I went I met women who “knew” him and also wanted to be his salt. After that I tried to stick to men not named for seasonings, no matter how hot and spicy they might be. Another time I’ll explain how I also dated Jesus. While that might sound like an appropriate topic for this season, I assure you it is not.

Wow. I got way off track there.

Back to the post. My confession is I have a soft spot for missionaries. Now, before you go all googly-eyed and wonder if I’m a bit tetched (or drinking this early in the day) I should explain. It’s pretty damn cold in Utah today. Right now, at 1:37 p.m., it is 27 degrees. It’s so cold that every time I pour water into Stormy the Wonder Dog’s bowl, it quickly freezes and despite the fact he still tries to hump the cat and hasn’t learned that lesson, he knows if he licks the frozen water good things will not come of it. So, in the midst of all this cold weather, while we were stockpiling up on firewood and blankets, and while Mr. Collins learned that it takes a lot more money to wash your vehicle in this kind of weather, because everything keeps FREEZING, I saw two young missionaries trekking down our street. Their cheeks were as red and rosy as Santa’s, their dark trenchcoats pulled tightly around them, the spirit of God NOT showing on their faces. They had grim, determined faces on, even though the taller one managed a grimace and a wave as we drove by. Missionaries always wave to everybody. They are, after all, God’s Army, and that means they have to reach out to everyone in every way they can.

Now, consider this. You have waited your whole life to serve God, and your Church, and when you open that mission call letter, you discover you are being sent to Utah, the one place in the world where there are tons of other Mormons. That has to suck the big one. Not only that, but they are sending you out into the mission field at a time in your life when the only thing you really want to do is have sex with girls and play sports or on the flipside, video games. Not only can you not HAVE said sex with girls, you are to be with another GUY every minute except when you are going to the bathroom. The last person you want glued to your hip is another horny teenage boy. Um, well, unless that is your proclivity, in which case I would imagine there would be a lot of benefits to missionary work.

But let’s assume these are heterosexual teenage boys. So here you are, at this most horny time of your life, sworn to celibacy, with nothing but another stinky smelly boy for companionship, and you get sent to Utah, where the majority of Mormons already live, so there’s not a whole lot of proselytizing to do, and not only that, but it’s 27 degrees out there!

Like I said, I have a soft spot for these poor kids. Of course, not soft enough that I don’t immediately let them know, when they show up at my door, that they have been fooled. Mormons have a saying, give possible converts the milk before the meat, in order to make the meat digest better. What this means is that they give you nice, fluffy warm stuff that is easy to swallow—like families are forever, and you’ll see your loved ones in the next life, before they tell you about the stuff that is really hard to digest. That stuff you don’t learn until you are so deeply entrenched you can’t dig yourself out without a huge backhoe. Anyway, these poor missionaries don’t realize that I know a lot more about their religion than they do, and they can try to give me that milk all they want. I’ve already tasted the meat, and it did not settle well, and the milk is not going to make it better.

Nonetheless, they show up at my door pretty regularly because the Mormons here in my neighborhood figure I am just about the only fresh meat. Most of them probably don’t even realize I am on their rolls, twice, except for those poor souls assigned to bring me back into activation, and THEY run like the wind from me.

And whenever I see these missionaries, I think of all the sex, and drinking, and video games they are not enjoying, and I feel bad. Of course, I understand the thinking in sending them out right after high school. That is the time when most boys get into deep, deep trouble. There’s that whole hornier than hell thing, and the impulse control thing, and the feeling they are “indestructible,” which is why we hear horror stories about young teenage boys dying in accidents that should never happen.

But I still feel sorry for them. Especially today, on a frigid day, in Utah, when all the good Mormons are in Church, and the rest of us heathens are having hot toddies by the fire. So next time you see a young missionary, think of this blog, and invite him in for milk and cookies. Remember, they are just kids. Someone else TOLD them this was the right thing for them to do. And they really wish they were just back home having sex.