(Disclaimer: I get a lot of mail and comments from Mormons, and some of it is mean-spirited and some of it is not. I do not make fun of the Mormons who write me nicely. I know they are nice people trying to be good, and live their religion. I do, however, take on people who take ME on. And thus, you have today’s post.)

You know, I find it remarkably interesting that a man who has a blog on the Internet devoted SOLELY to promoting his religion denounces ME as someone who is promoting religious intolerance, SOLELY because I don’t agree with his religion.

Of course, this is not news to me. Mormons have long felt they have the right to go out on knock on every door in the world and tell people that Mormonism is the ONLY TRUE RELIGION, but they do not believe that I, and others like me, have the right to tell people that WE don’t believe it’s true.

In Mormon-ville, it does not go both ways. How they cannot see this is one for the brain puzzlers book, but they don’t.

Drew Emmick is the author of a spectacularly boring blog on Mormonism, but don’t take my word for it. Go see for yourself. Mr. Emmick came to MY blog for the sole purpose, as far as I can tell, of leading people to his blog. What he thought would happen at that point is where it gets fuzzy. A mass return of all ex-Mormons to activity, due to his brilliance? I just can’t say.

Mr. Emmick left all sorts of nastygrams on my comments, including repeatedly dissing the Collins parents for not raising me right. Mr. Emmick better knock that shit off, or I’m going to head to Texas and bitchslap him. My mother is a perfectly lovely Mormon mother who bakes cookies with her grandkids, and helps me out when I need, and has served three missions and never misses a church meeting unless she is on her deathbed. I just don’t believe Mormonism to be true. Has nothing to do with the parental units.

Based on all of his comments, I conclude that Mr. Emmick seems to be somewhat of a sanctimonious, self-righteous pinhead but I won’t call him that because that would be mean, and in this time during which we celebrate Christ’s birth, I am trying to be more Christ-like. Mostly failing, too, I suppose.

See, here is just one of the MANY things Drew said.

That is essentially what Natalie is doing. And I do
believe that her motivation for this comes from a dissatisfied and
bitter adolesence. As I said in another post on this site, she is
attacking the church and its customs because of the way she was
raised. She is putting it all on the wrong source. She needs to take
a look at her parents role in her life, and the agency she has to
live her life free of the church now.

Drew don’t know me from squat, but he is really pretty boring. He’s uttering that same old, same old, that others before him have uttered. He also did NOT do his research. I left Mormonism because I BELIEVE IT TO BE PATENTLY FALSE. Good God, how much more clear can I make it? LISTEN UP! No one pissed me off, and my parents didn’t do a crappy job raising me (I have a brother and two sisters who live happily as Mormons), and the only reason I am NOT a practicing Mormon is because I DO NOT BELIEVE IT IS TRUE. I did try to have my name removed, but we all know how THAT turned out.

If Drew is really stupid enough to believe that the only reason Mormons ever leave is because they couldn’t live up to the standards, or someone made them mad, etc., etc., then he deserves the curse of a million eternal Fast Sundays where he NEVER gets to eat and has to listen to boring drivel for hours on end.

As for his accusations that I am slandering and bearing false witness against the Church, I call bullshit. (Dammit, I am REALLY trying not to swear, and Drew is not making it easy to turn over a new leaf.)

EVERYTHING I write on this site can be backed up with fact, and he knows it. He’s just pissed off because I didn’t present it in the pretty light that Mormons do. Drew even danced around the little “practicing polygamy” issue in one comment, mostly because he knows what I said is true.

TRUTH: While the church practiced polygamy in the 1800s and early
1900s and it was a part of celestial marriage, the church abondoned
this practice, and therefore members are not practicing it today.
Does that mean all the members of today’s church do not feel they are
going to the celestial kindgom? I have only one wife, and I know that
is not disqualifying me. But we don’t want to mention that because it
wouldn’t mislead people like Natalie is hoping to do.

PUHLEEZE. Get over yourself. There isn’t one person reading this who thinks you came close to even REMOTELY answering this question. Because you can’t. Because you KNOW that Mormon doctrine DOES teach that polygamy is and always had been a basic tenet of the Mormon religion, and that even though Mormons today do not practice polygamy, they do believe that it WILL be a practice in the Celestial Kingdom.

That’s the kind of stuff they don’t tell people until AFTER the drive-by baptism is over and they are firmly ensconced in the church.

Drew also said:

I could go on and on, and pick out every slander and lie in the
website, but you can do that for yourself. So the reality is, this
site slanders and bears false witness. That is breaking the
commandments. No matter what Christian denomination you are, that
commandment applies to you. You want to dicuss theology? I guess your
guys religion doesn’t teach the ten commandments or the Saviors
teaching to “Love thy neighbor”? Again, it would behoove all of you
to stop focusing on Mormonism and start becoming real Christians and
living the gospel.

But you couldn’t prove them lies, now, could you Drew? You can only SAY they are lies, and hope people will believe you. I personally would like to give my readers a little more credit when it comes to brain matter.

I love my neighbor just fine. I just don’t happen to BELIEVE my neighbor’s church is the only true church.

And as I have said in the past, I will leave MORMONISM alone when it leaves me alone. Hasn’t happened yet, and as you might be able to tell, won’t happen anytime soon.

There’s been a flurry of activity (mostly from one Mormon) on my comments lately, but I don’t have the heart to respond. At least tonight.

You see, my friend Wendy’s baby died last night. It was not totally unexpected, as he has been in the hospital since birth. He had a heart condition. He was very ill, and even had a heart transplant, but it didn’t work.

His organs shut down. And finally, last night, they removed all life support and he died.

So, here’s to you Bridger. I’m sorry you only got four months here, but there are upsides to that. We live in a messed up world. We don’t even know how to be civil to each other.

I think you’re in a better place, far better, than what we have here.

Godspeed.

A while back I wrote about the Sons of Provo DVD porno debacle, and invited the filmmakers to come visit Trapped by the Mormons. Well, by golly, today I’m thrilled to introduce Peter Brown, the writer and producer of Sons of Provo. I think he had a role in the film, too, which has gone to the top of the Collins Christmas Wish List because it looks damn funny.

So, without further adieu, here is Peter Brown.

Natalie: Peter, welcome to Trapped by the Mormons. First and foremost, we need to know, do you like those funeral potatoes, and would you do just about anything (including killing and maiming and crashing Mormon funerals) to get them?

Peter: As a matter of fact, part of the inspiration for the film Sons of Provo, came from a dinner that I had with some fellow “not-any-Mormons.” We had a pot roast, funeral potatoes, green bean casserole and several jello salads. Every once in a while we get together for some good old-fashioned Mormon cuisine.

Incidentally, I was at a funeral recently that had NO funeral potatoes. I resisted the urge to write a letter of complaint to the relief society president in the ward. But the rolls were good. I’m pretty sure they were Rhodes. Just like the kind my grandmother used to defrost.

Natalie: Tell us a little about your movie. What inspired you to make it? And after you did so, did you become persona non grata at family gatherings? That would make it hard to get funeral potatoes.

Peter: Sons of Provo was born when I was in New York with my friend, Will Swenson (star of The Singles Ward and The RM). We were out to dinner and when my margarita came I made sure to bless it to “nourish and strengthen my body and do me the good that I need.” We laughed about it and pretty soon, Will, being the musical genius that he is, had turned it into a song. Next, we were talking about making a Mormon version of This is Spinal Tap starring an extremely-self righteous Mormon boy band. Incidentally, the Prickly Pear Margarita at Chevy’s is really good.

For the most part, I am still welcome at family gatherings. My family are all big fans of the film. This film was financed almost entirely by very active members of the church (mostly family members). I tried to not make fun of things in the film that were sacred to my family and many of my friends. The movie is intended to satirize the self-righteous, not the LDS church.

Natalie: When you are in the business of poking fun at Mormon culture, you have to carefully tread a fine line, because many Mormons take themselves way too seriously, and before you know it they are sending you hate emails threatening you with curses from God of speech disorders and an eternity spent in outer darkness. Overall, how has the response been to this film, and has there been any death threats or excessive testimony bearing? (I prefer the death threats.)

Peter: So far, I have not received any hate mail or death threats. In fact, I have yet to come across very many Mormons who have been offended by it (with the exception of some of the executives at Deseret Book, who seem to be very easily offended).

The response to this film from the Mormon community has been fairly lukewarm. People tend to either love it or hate it. But it seems that the people who have disliked it are those who can compare it to other LDS films. The people who have no idea that LDS film existed tend to enjoy the film a lot. For example, inside the Zion curtain, we received nothing but negative reviews from critics. However, TV Guide, The Hollywood Reporter, and the Arizona Republic, all gave the film a positive review.

Before the film was released, we played the film in 10 different film festivals–we won either the audience award or the jury award in 8 of 10 festivals. All from non-Mormon jurys and mostly non-Mormon audiences. And at almost every film festival, someone would come up to me and ask how the Mormons react to this film. Their assumption was always that the Mormons would be offended by it.

Natalie: Don’t you think Fast Sunday should be against the law? I bet crimes are a lot higher on the first Sunday of the month in Mormon communities. Someone should do a study on that. People SAY and do the stupidest things when they are hungry.

Peter: I’m currently doing that study. I haven’t eaten for about 6 hours and I’m getting a little tired of all these DAMN QUESTIONS!

Natalie: What’s the funniest thing you ever heard or saw in a Fast and Testimony Meeting? And could you make a film out of that?

Peter: What a great idea. Anyone out there want to write a film about a short, old, spitfire of a woman who had multiple surgeries on her finger, and spoke about them in great detail every month?

Natalie: What was your first reaction when you heard that the Sons of Provo DVD had been inadvertently replaced with a DVD about a gay porn star? And furthermore, when you learned a few Mormon families had purchased said DVD and got the shock of their lives, did you consider going into a different line of work, say, maybe, leading tours at Temple Square?

Peter: When I first heard of the fiasco, I was on vacation in Costa Rica. I got an urgent phone call from my director/co-writer, Will Swenson, and I looked up the story online. Sons of Provo had been replaced by Adored: Diary of a Porn Star. My first thought was, “How in the hell did someone get their hands on my diary?”

Natalie: Do you think the mixup hurt DVD sales, or has the heightened controversy actually increased them?

Peter: I honestly believe that the mixup hurt DVD sales. We have never had any marketing geared toward anyone but the Mormons and more specifically, Mormons in Utah. So, the fact that the story was picked up around the country (even around the world), didn’t help because no one could buy the DVD because it wasn’t available. In Utah, it had been pulled from the shelves temporarily, and outside Utah it is almost impossible to find.

Natalie: Are you working on other movies about Mormon culture, and if so, can you share? Please? Pretty please with funeral potatoes on top?

Peter: I’m not currently working on anything Mormon, but since I’m unemployed right now, I’m starting to write a few other things. But I’m not really far enough along to talk much about it. But I’m hoping that it will star Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, and Gwyneth Paltrow. Co-starring, me, Peter Brown, as the wacky gay neighbor.

Natalie: Was this the first movie you’ve written, or the first movie you’ve written that got made?

Peter: This was my first movie. It’s unusual to have your first feature film made and distributed. This was largely due to the fact that my director and co-writer was a big star in Mormon cinema.

Natalie: Don’t you think someone needs to form an intervention and get Katie Holmes AWAY from that weirdo Tom Cruise? (I know, I know, totally off topic, but we need informed opinions on this subject, and aren’t you somewhat close to the situation, being an “artsy” type yourself?)

Peter: Huh. Interesting question. I want to say yes, we should get her away from him, but I’m not sure that I wouldn’t convert to scientology and become a weirdo, temporarily, for a few happy months with Tom Cruise.

Natalie: Anything else about the film, the making of the film, the people in the film, the fans, the media, or anything else you feel like sharing?

Peter: I just want to reiterate that the film is first and foremost, a satire about these self-righteous characters. I think Mormons, not-any-Mormons, and non-Mormons, can all take something different away from the film. But we did not set out to lampoon a religion. Okay, maybe a teeny-weeny bit.

SHAMELESS PLUG:

You can rent Sons of Provo at your local Hollywood Video, Blockbuster (in Utah), and coming soon to Netflix.

Better yet, you can buy it at http://www.halestormentertainment.com/p_store.asp. The CD is also available there as well. Through December 31, you can use the coupon code EVERCLEAN to knock 10% off our already ridiculously low prices.

Thanks! This was fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So there you have it. And I agree with Peter! This WAS fun. Peter has an open invitation to visit Trapped whenever he wants.

I mentioned the Joseph Smith nativity scene, set up at BYU, in a previous post. HERE, thanks to jkspringer, are the pictures that prove its existence.

I do not know if BYU has a Nativity that features Jesus elsewhere on the campus. I don’t hang out at BYU much. Actually, ever. That place gives me the heebie jeebies.

But I don’t think there needs to be much more proof that the official name of the Mormon church should be The Church of Joseph Smith of Latter-day Saints.

Sometimes hatemail is so stunning, so illogical, and so ridiculous it stops me cold. Got one of those today, from someone claiming NOT to be a Mormon. My first thought was, of COURSE this was a Mormon, or about to become a Mormon. It seemed really clear. One of my non-Mormon friends read it, and said, “Well, she could be JW. But whatever she is, she’s whacked.” Yup. That about sums it up. This same friend also said, “The devil quotes the scripture for his own purposes. and she got hers exactly backwards.”

And indeed she did twist the Bible to suit her purposes, but what’s new with that? Frankly, she seems more than a little fruitcakey to me, but hey, ’tis the season for fruitcake. And most Bible-thumping religious zealots DO seem nutty to me. So you decide. Read and enjoy.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I am NOT a Mormon. I have studied all the religions and lived at least one year in the services of many, all of which are considered to be Christian, Jewish, and Science. I have found that Jesus said “if they are not against me, they are for me”…so that has solved my questions about who is a Follower of the Savior and KEEP HIS TEACHINGS.

However, I have been watching BYU for a year or maybe more. What I have learned, seen and heard on that channel tells me that the Mormon Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-day Saints demonstrates that it is closer to the Truth than any of the others.

I have found that they incorporate into their lifestyle the Commandments of God, of Jesus, the Son of God, they refer and believe in the Holy Spirit of God, in family, respect, manners, order, wisdom, understanding, knowledge and education etc. I have also found that the “christians” especially “born agains” have NO order, more people in the jails, more divorces, more in poverty, more hypocrits and liars, more money hungry people taking from the poor to buy their luxury homes, cars, airplanes and give seminars to get more money. They Sell their tapes for high prices to enlighten those who can’t afford to buy them (that is to keep the poor ignorant and broke) and yes, they do heal in the name of Jesus.

WHAT DID JESUS SAY ABOUT HEALING IN HIS NAME? Jesus said “in that day, you will say “but Lord, I healed in your name, I cast out devils in your name and I raised the dead in your name” and “I will say , DEPART FROM ME, YOU WORKERS OF INIQUITY”, “I DON’T KNOW YOU”. Do you think he was talking to the Jews? NO, they don’t heal or cast out devils. Was he talking to the Baptists? NO, they don’t believe in healing in this era. Was he talking to the Catholics, the Eastern Orthodox or the Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons? I DON’T THINK SO. I believe he was talking to people like you, who left the good for the deception of glib talk from parots who use the Word of God for their own selfish desires.

ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THIS WEBSITE. IT IS FOR SELFISH DESIRES AND TO DISRUPT OTHER’S LIVES. IF YOU NO LONGER WANT TO ABIDE BY THE RULES OF THE MORMON CHURCH, THEN LEAVE IT IN PEACE.
GO ELSEWHERE AND SEE IF YOU CAN DO IT BETTER. STOP BACK BITING AND SPREADING LIES BECAUSE YOUR “EGO” WAS HURT BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT ONE OF THE CHOSEN ONES TO BE ELEVATED BEFORE THE PUBLIC OR THAT YOU ARE A REBELLIOUS, CLOSED MINDED, HARD NOSED IDIOT WHO DOES NOT IN ANY WAY FOLLOW JESUS CHRIST.

If you followed the teachings of Jesus, you would be “praying for those who persecute you and dispitefully using you” and you would go along your way in peace. NO, YOU ARE ANGRY AND LOOKING TO ATTRACT AND INITIATE ANGER WITH A VENDETTA. GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU TO DAY AND IN THE ETERNAL JUDGEMENT. MIND YOUR OWN SOUL BUSINESS AND LEAVE OTHER ALONE.
YOUR OPINION IS NOT WORTHY.

No, I am not a mormon, neither am I a Born Again or anything else. I read the Bible, understand it and I am a Daughter of the Living Eternal Creator, Saved by His only Begotten Son, Jesus/Yeshua (in Hebrew), filled with the Holy Spirit and I respect all that reflects God and His goodness. YOU DO NOT REFLECT GOD AND HIS GOODNESS AND YOU MUST BE AWAKENED THAT YOU MAY BE SAVED IN THE FUTURE.

Go in Peace in the Name of Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace

Kristy7cal

Go IN PEACE?? After you just preached brimstone and hellfire to me? Girl, you need to read your Bible closer. Jesus spent most of his time among the prostitutes and the pharisees, not the holier-than-thou-nutjobs who need a REAL life.

Oh, and Kristy? Mormons sell all KINDS of religious materials at pretty hefty prices. Hung out at the BYU bookstore or Deseret Book lately? Good God, woman, get your facts straight. LDS Inc. is one of the RICHEST corporations there is. THEY are a business, worth more money than even GOD can count. They own the ENTIRE DOWNTOWN BLOCK OF SALT LAKE CITY, including both malls. They BOUGHT Main Street, woman! How the hell did you miss that? Are you really that dumb?

And while they may espouse some of the tenets Jesus taught, they’ve forgotten to tell you about the fact that they believe God used to be a man, and man will become a God, with lots of wives and spirit children, practicing polygamy, a tenet necessary for you to go on to the Celestial Kingdom, the highest of all God’s kingdoms.

And if all you’ve learned about Mormons you gleaned from watching BYU television, I truly pity you. Here are a few of the things I’VE learned from watching television.

1. If you have a Harley Davidson, you will get laid. Otherwise, you are shit out of luck.

2. If you use Axe Body Spray, women will cling to you like suction cups. You will not be able to remove them from your back.

3. Every police department has a crime scene task force that carries guns and solves every crime, regardless of its nature.

4. Big purple dinosaurs are remarkably adept at singing show tunes and dancing, and can also speak, although in a slightly falsetto voice.

5. If you drink the right beer, women will cling to you like suction cups.

That’s just a few of them. Someone on the exmormon board pointed out to me that Kristy actually is some sort of self-styled Internet missionary of a strange, unidentifiable Christian nature, and perhaps my first assumption, that she was Mormon, is wrong. The first comment I found was on a site called datejesus.com. Now, considering I just MENTIONED dating Jesus in a previous post (what a coincidence!), I want to make it clear that the Jesus I dated was NOT this Jesus. I promise.

There, Kristy identified herself as a Jewish handmaiden, and also warned him of his folly. There were a few others, and frankly, she has me perplexed. But a word to missionaries. Kristy is PRIMED and ready. She’s FRESH MEAT. She WANTS your gospel. Go get her.

Just be careful what you wish for. This one appears to be a little more trouble than she is worth.