Today, my neighbor brought me over a bar of chocolate and a Christmas card from the ward Relief Society. She must have drawn the short straw, mostly because she knows me and they figured I wouldn’t bite her head off, unlike the time I asked the primary president just who the hell she was coming to my door and asking for my young daughter when I had NO idea who she was, and she never bothered to introduce herself… Phew. Long sentence.

Anyway, Linda handed me the card and the chocolate bar, and I was just about to say something about how having your name removed meant nothing, and how asking for “no contact” meant nothing, although I WAS going to say it nicely. Then my parents drove up. So I said nothing. Although I KNOW Linda knows where I stand. Why won’t they leave me alone? How can I be expected to respect an organization that refuses to respect me?

I had my name removed, folks. I have the letter to prove it. I found myself BACK ON, under both my maiden name and my married name just THREE or so years later. I have requested no contact at LEAST six times. I have threatened legal action, and also rather more, uh, severe action (namely dancing on the bishop’s lawn naked). I still get visits from stake missionaries, the relief society, full-time missionaries, the primary president, the boys collecting Fast Sunday offerings. I receive invitations to EVERY single ward outing, event, party and special occasion.

I am TRAPPED BY THE MORMONS. Those of you who ask me why I cannot leave the Mormon Church Alone–there you have it.

Happy New Year!

And on that note, I’ve decided to share calendar kitty with you.

The Collins children got digital cameras for Christmas, and proceeded to torment the animals. The cat, Pumpkin, was remarkably patient, as you will see.

And my PERSONAL favorite…..

Today’s guest on Trapped by the Mormons is Tamara Siler Jones, author of THREADS OF MALICE. Tamara’s book came out in late October and is garnering high praise in the publishing world. Here’s some of the things being said:

Praise for GHOST IN THE SNOW:

“Dubric is the sort of detective who leaves you wanting more.”
—Locus

“Engaging and suspenseful.”
—Romantic Times

“Not for the faint of heart.”
—SFRevu

“For a nice Midwestern housewife, Jones is one sick lady.”
—Sequential Tart

And here’s a brief description of the book:

A blend of historical mystery and paranormal fantasy, Tamara Siler Jones delivers a fast-paced, chilling story with THREADS OF MALICE. Here, in her second Dubric Byerly Mystery, a vicious killer stalks the quiet towns of the northern reach, kidnapping and murdering boys. With a score dead and two more missing, can Dubric and his team find the killer before he strikes again? A twisted murderer may not be all Dubric is looking for…or the only evil that he will find.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Tamara Siler Jones lives in Iowa with her family. An avid mystery reader, this is her second novel, continuing the series that began with Ghost in the Snow, and its main sleuth Dubric Byerly.

ABOUT THREADS OF MALICE:

In this relentlessly gripping thriller, Compton Crook Award winner Tamara Siler Jones weaves together her unique blend of fantasy, forensics and suspense to create a world terrorized by a killer out of our darkest nightmares. Now one man must follow a trail of savaged victims to save an innocent life hanging by the slimmest of hopes.…

One by one, young men in the kingdom’s outer reaches are vanishing into the dark. So far, two bodies have washed up on the local riverbank. But Dubric Byerly, head of security at Castle Faldorrah, soon realizes there are countless more victims…for it’s his curse to be forever haunted by the ghosts of those whose deaths demand justice.

The latest to vanish is Braoin, a seventeen-year-old painter whose mother came to Dubric’s aid when he most needed it. All Dubric knows is that the boy is still alive. But time is running out, and it isn’t only Braoin’s life hanging in the balance. If Dubric can’t untangle the twisted web of clues and lies and find his way to the killer, one of his own pages will be the next to die.…

My Christmas present to you. TWO (count ‘em, TWO) blogs in one day. I know, I know you’re thrilled. But I just had to share this Christmas miracle with you.

My sweet Mormon mother took my girls Christmas shopping the other day, because they wanted to buy gifts for myself and their father, and didn’t want either one of us to see what they bought. Grandma is always good to step in when needed, especially since most of my other siblings have moved away and her apostate daughter (namely moi) is the only one living close. Poor Mom. She’s stuck with me and my offspring–people that do NOT attend God’s ONLY TRUE CHURCH, but rather a Presbyterian Church in the same community. Such an affront.

Now I should state upfront that my mother does not have a dishonest bone in her body. She LIVES her religion solely because she BELIEVES it with all her heart. If she thought for one moment that it wasn’t true, she’d be outta there so fast there’d be a trail of smoke behind her. She is honest to the core.

That did not, however, stop her from ALMOST becoming a criminal. See, she took the kids to Target, and they both found a pair of school pants they wanted, and being a grandma, instead of a mother who says, “No, we are NOT buying that today. Do you think money grows on trees?” she caved and gave in to them. And draped them over her arm, and promptly forgot they were there.

She moved through the checkout line without realizing it. And she paid for the rest of her purchases without realizing it. And the clerk ringing her purchases up did not realize it. And she walked OUT THE FRONT DOOR OF TARGET without any bells, buzzers or whistles going off, and without REALIZING that she had two pair of pants over her arm that she had NOT paid for.

The miracle part is that no one else saw her, the security guards did not stop her, and she was not tackled and handcuffed and questioned by the police.

As they got to the car, she looked down at her arm and saw the two pair of pants draped over it, and almost passed out. It was not a good moment for her. She was mortified.

She told the kids she had just committed a felony. And she immediately headed BACK to the store. Technically, of course, shoplifting is a misdemeanor, but my honest mother would not KNOW this because she doesn’t spend a lot of time in the court system. She’s not real well versed on the technicalities of law. In her mind, shoplifting is almost as bad as murder. Really.

“Are you going to tell them you walked outside with the pants?” my youngest asked her.

“No, I’m just going to pay for them.” And she did. Walked right back in the store, again with no bells and whistles going off or handcuffs going on, and paid for the pants, and left, her heart beating as fast as it could. It’s taken her several days to recover.

I suspect it will take months before she can go into a Target again.

Allison Brennan tagged me with this newest meme (at least I THINK that’s what these things are called). I’m not terribly good at this stuff, but here I go.

Seven Things to Do Before I Die:
1. Buy a house on the Hawaiian island of Kauai.
2. Spend a week in Jamaica.
3. Visit New York.
4. See a firefly/lightning bug.
5. Hit the New York Times bestselling list.
6. Hit ANY bestselling list.
7. Live to see my children’s children married and successful.

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1. Successfully enclose ANYTHING in Saran Wrap. That stuff is EVIL. Of the devil, I’m telling you…. I always end up with it wrapped around everything BUT the thing I was trying to wrap. Evil.
2. Wrap presents in any sort of attractive fashion. Gift bags are THIS girl’s best friend.
3. Sew. (Are you seeing the trend here?)
4. Iron. (Definitely a trend.)
5. Abbreviate my conversation in IMs or emails. I use full words and sentences, including punctuation, save for my LOLs.
6. Speak Russian.
7. Write a romance where no one dies. Tried. Didn’t work.

Seven things that attract me to my spouse (significant other):
1. A sense of humor.
2. A sense of self.
3. Love for children.
4. An ability to roll with the punches life throws.
5. An uncanny ability to use duct tape for just about any purpose, including major surgery.
6. Strong work ethic.
7. Loyalty.

Seven things I say (or write) most often:
1. ACK! (yes, that just about epitomizes my life.)
2. Argh. (Hmm, am I living my life doused in email and frustration?)
3. LOL. (Yes, it’s true.)
4. Where are my keys?
5. Have you seen my keys?
6. Did someone move my keys?
7. Will there be funeral potatoes served?

Seven books or series I love:
1. Jonathan Kellerman’s Alex Delaware series
2. Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series
3. John Sandford’s Lucas Davenport/Prey series
4. Anything by Tess Gerritsen, including the Maura Isles series
5. Anything by Lisa Gardner, including the Quincy/Rainie series
6. A Place to Call Home by Deborah Smith
7. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

Seven movies I would watch over and over again:
1. The Big Easy. Young Dennis Quaid is just Ooooh la la, and I love New Orleans…although I’m saddened by what it’s become in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.
2. Overboard. Love it.
3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas.. The scene where he yells out “I’m an idiot,” and the echo yells back “You’re an idiot,” is just classic.
5. A Christmas Story. You’ll shoot your eye out!
6. Miracle on 34th Street. Yes, yes, I’m using all my holiday favorites. But it’s Christmas Eve! I’m entitled.
7. Christmas Vacation. Chevy Chase at his funniest.

Seven People I want to tag:
Anyone who wants to play! If you’ve already played, go ahead and post a link to your blog.

Since it’s that “making a list” time of year, I thought I’d make my own list–albeit one of things that make you go “ick.” Or at least make ME go ick.

1. Selling Mormon garments on E-Bay. First of all, WHY in God’s name would anyone NOT associated with the LDS church want a pair of these funny underwear? They are not cute. Even worse, how do you know they are NEW? Huh? It’s all just ick, both buyers and sellers. Sorry.

2. Picketing in front of Temple Square, waving said garments. NO one wants to see these things, trust me.

3. Picketing in front of Temple Square waving ANYTHING. No matter WHAT my friend Drew thinks, I do not ever picket in front of someone’s place of worship. People only FIND my blog by searching it out. I do not flaunt it in anyone’s face. And I NEVER, ever go door to door, unlike some OTHER people we know….

4. Mormon bishops who call former Mormons and ask them to turn their Mormon garments IN to them, so they don’t fall into the wrong hands and end up on E-bay. What the hell are they DOING with someone’s used underwear? This is especially icky when the former member they call is a woman. ICK.

5. Dressing up like a clown and harassing the “preachers” picketing in front of Temple Square, and not being smart enough to realize that they are just bringing EVEN MORE attention to said picketing preachers, plus showing the world how incredibly stupid THEY are.

6. Utah State Sen. D. Chris Buttars, West Jordan, who, in trying to force gay-straight alliance clubs out of Utah high schools, says: “In my mind, if you are in the chess club, what do you talk about? Chess. If you are in the dance club, what do you talk about? Dance. If you are in the gay club, what do you talk about?” Can you say repressed latent homosexuality? I’ve talked with many gay people about being gay, and it’s never ONCE made me want to be gay. I think the phrase “in my mind” is key. We are DAMN glad we aren’t in your mind.

7. Yogurt with fruit at the bottom. The ick factor here is ENORMOUS. Nothing worse than eating something smooth and finding big lumps and clumps at the bottom. Gag. Almost worse than Utah State Sen. D. Chris Buttars and his deviant mind. Almost.

8. People who try to attribute homosexual tendencies to animated cartoon characters. We’ve already established I find this absolutely ridiculous. Spongebob is asexual. He’s like a EUNUCH without the ugly castration issues, people. The gay accusations are NOT gonna fly. He’s an equal opportunity sponge….OH great. Now the bisexual accusations are going to fly….