In an interesting Tribune article (yeah, I’m tired of calling them Des News II, even though they have REALLY tempered their stuff in the past few years), the real facts about Mormon growth are laid out.

The claim that Mormonism is the fastest-growing faith in the world has been repeated so routinely by sociologists, anthropologists, journalists and proud Latter-day Saints as to be perceived as unassailable fact.

The trouble is, it isn’t true.

Well, DUH. Sorry, too much time around teens. But really, DUH.

Folks, it ain’t growing. People aren’t buying in, and when they do, it doesn’t last long. The truth about activity is only about 35-40 percent of the people they tout on their rolls (the 12 million) are actually active. And it is only a bit higher here in Utah.

By multiplying the number of members in each area by these fractions, David G. Stewart Jr. estimates worldwide activity at about 35 percent - which would give the church about 4 million active members.

Guess I understand why they are currently CHASING US DOWN…..

Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that the Bloggernacle is the name for a large group of Mormon blogs. One of these, called Banner of Heaven, never really caught my interest, so I didn’t spend a lot of time there. But boy oh boy are the Bloggernaccle-ites boiling mad about it now.

Seems that this particular blog was nothing but mini-drama of made up characters. But the creators were not honest about this, and since people regularly opened up on the comments portion of the blog, more than a few people are feeling betrayed.

In a story in The Des News II, Peggy Fletcher Stack explains how the creators were unmasked as fakes, and better yet, why the real bloggers of the Bloggernacle are so angry.

From the beginning, some readers suspected that Banner wasn’t real. The characters seemed too extreme and situations too outrageous to be believed. But others were drawn in by their stories. Doesn’t every Latter-day Saint know someone in their ward who believes God sent Katrina to punish sinners, as “Aaron” wrote? Isn’t there an angry feminist like “Miranda” who turns every Sunday school lesson into a gender battle? “I guess I thought people would be so dazzled by our wit and storytelling ability that the ethical issues wouldn’t matter,” says Brian Gibson, a co-creator of the blog. “Now I realize it was just wrong.”

The only thing that REALLY bothers me about this whole charade is that Mormons won’t see it for what it is…. The reality of their religion. The entire faith is set up around faith-promoting stories and miracles, most of which are never validated or verified. The Joseph Smith first vision story itself has changed so many times that were Old Joe alive today, he would wonder who the hell this young buck was who could run miles with gold plates that had to have weighed hundreds of pounds. There are quite a few different versions of the first vision, none of which bear much resemblance to the story touted on the LDS Church Web site.

Writing it up, or spinning it better, is the very essence of Mormonism.

Boyd K. Packer said of those writing about Church history:

“Your objective should be that they will see the hand of the Lord in every hour and every moment of the Church from its beginning till now….there is no such thing as an accurate or objective history of the Church which ignores the Spirit…. Church history can be so interesting and so inspiring as to be a very powerful tool indeed for building faith. If not properly written or properly taught, it may be a faith destroyer…”

“Some things that are true are not very useful.”

So why all the hoo haa about a mini drama played out on a blog, written by real believing Mormons? They do it every day on Temple Square. Because it wasn’t real? Well, hell, if you believe the First Vision story, you’ll buy just about anything, right?

And Mormons LOVE made up stuff. I know, I know, you know someone, who knew someone, who knew someone else whose sister was saved from a rape by one of the Three Nephites. I’ve heard so many Three Nephites stories–mysterious stranger appears, saves someone, disappears, and they realize it was one of the Three Nephites, who are walking the earth and can’t die, or something like that–that I can repeat some of them by heart.

So the fact these guys set up a fictional Web site with fictional Mormon characters but weren’t honest about the fact these were fictional characters is NOT surprising. I mean, it was only a matter of time before it happened.

And I guess it’s a first in the Mormon Blog community, which is why it is getting so much response. At least we THINK it’s the first…. Or is it?

Time will tell….

And in the meantime, the creators are very, very sorry.

“In the past, some people have posted very personal, very important, very difficult-to-discuss things on the blogs. In turn, commenters have shared their own pain. I think that healing has occurred that never could in real life. Real good has been done,” wrote Julie M. Smith of Austin. “But the next time someone posts (especially at a smaller or newer blog) about a sensitive topic, do you think that there will be the same outpouring in the comments? I doubt it. Once bitten, twice shy.”
Some critics of the LDS Church grabbed onto the Banner of Heaven episode as a parallel for the church’s own founding, saying that it was like founder Joseph Smith claiming invented revelations.
That is most upsetting to Banner creators who are all believing Mormons, Evans says. “Religion is more than telling a beautiful story, it’s about truth.”

Seems that old truth issue is always the sticky wicket…. (I have no idea what this cliche means, but it just seemed to fit. What the hell IS a sticky wicket?)

Seth Jeffs, brother of Warren Jeffs, was indicted Wednesday on charges of helping his polygamous brother evade capture. You’ll remember Seth, AKA Weenie Rat Face II, who was arrested in Colorado with a lot of money, a lot of credit cards, some “Pennies for the Pedophile, er, Prophet,” and of course, his nephew and paid sexual partner, Nathaniel Allred.

Lovely.

Seth claims he has no knowledge of Warren’s whereabouts.

Me, I think he’s in Texas on the FLDS compound, and since these people have no real boundaries, except for the ones outside of their little warped world, I just have to say to the people in Texas….

HIDE YOUR CATTLE!!

My title today is a bit misleading, because really, there is nothing to update. Warren Jeffs is pretty much doing what he is really good at. Hiding under rocks and in dark places, waiting to slither or slink out when it’s nighttime and no one can spot him.

There was a supposed sighting over the weekend, a few miles from St. George, but that proved to be false. Sort of. See, according to a Des News II story (a paper also known as The Salt Lake Tribune), when they pulled the vans over, they were packed with boys and men in suits. All professed no knowledge of Jeffs or his whereabouts.

Gee. What a surprise.

Where in the world is Warren Jeffs? Is he out among us, masquerading as a human being with a soul, rather than a scum sucking weenie rat face pedophile with a God complex? Who knows. We’ll keep you posted.

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A 21-year-old returned Mormon missionary jumped from a truck this weekend, apparently to protest his brother’s use of profanity. Even though the truck was only going 35 mph, the man died.

If this wasn’t true, it would be funny. I’m sure he didn’t mean to end his life, but he was taking a stand, like they teach all young Mormon people, and everyone knows Mishies are damn weird when they come back home. Full of self righteous fervor and a desire to live life with the highest of standards. I suppose he didn’t know he was ending his own life.

But here’s the problem…. Why didn’t this boy realize that jumping out of a truck was a BAD CHOICE, and in fact, a WORSE choice than listening to your brother’s profanity?

Did he not understand that while profanity might be a bad choice, it rarely sears your brain and renders you incapable of rational thought, or maims you and causes such severe trauma to your brain that your body can no longer function without life support? And if he DID think that profanity was so much worse than throwing yourself from a moving vehicle, was he thinking rationally? Did he think the spirit was going to save him, and if so, what kind of disservice did his parents do by teaching him that?

Did they teach him that? Or did his fervor just get the better of him. We’ll never know.

He will never get married. He will never cry tears at the birth of his first child. He will not see his daughter or son off to their first day of school, or ever know the warm embrace of a small, chubby hand as they seek guidance. He will never know the sorrow of seeing your child snubbed by friends, or cry with them as they try to reconcile losing a friend. All of this is lost to him now.

This fervor, this desire to do the right thing, can it go too far? Can it lead you to make BAD choices, just like the desire to be bad, to bend to peer pressure, can lead you to make bad choices? How is jumping from a moving vehicle different from taking drugs?

Today on Trapped by the Mormons, I want to welcome Gayle Brandeis, author of The Book of Dead Birds.

Gayle is one of those accomplished lyrical literary writers we all want to be, and also a very, very nice person to boot. I’m also very jealous because she won Barbara Kingsolver’s Bellwether Prize for Fiction, and everyone KNOWS I want to be Barbara Kingsolver when I grow up.

Here’s a little about Gayle’s book:

Ava Sing Lo has been accidentally killing her mother’s birds since she was a little girl. Now in her twenties, Ava leaves her native San Diego for the Salton Sea, where she volunteers to help environmental activists save thousands of birds poisoned by agricultural runoff.

Helen, her mother, has been haunted by her past for decades. As a young girl in Korea, Helen was drawn into prostitution on a segregated American army base. Several brutal years passed before a young white American soldier married her and brought her to California. When she gave birth to a black baby, her new husband quickly abandoned her, and she was left to fend for herself and her daughter in a foreign country.

With great beauty and lyricism, The Book of Dead Birds captures a young woman’s struggle to come to terms with her mother’s terrible past while she searches for her own place in the world.

The Book of Dead Birds won Barbara Kingsolver’s Bellwether Prize for Fiction. Barbara Kingsolver created the award to advocate serious literary fiction that addresses issues of social justice, and the impact of culture and politics on human relationships. Toni Morrison and Maxine Hong Kingston were the judges who, in addition to Barbara Kingsolver, selected The Book of Dead Birds.

Praise for The Book of Dead Birds

Lyrical, imaginative, beautifully crafted, and deeply intelligent. Before anything else, its characters take you by the heart.
–Barbara Kingsolver

The Book of Dead Birds has an edgy beauty that enhances perfectly the seriousness of its contents.
–Toni Morrison

A moving and perceptive first novel.
–O Magazine

The vivid tale of a woman learning to save and cherish life.
–San Francisco Chronicle

A uniquely inventive novel…How splendidly the author has balanced art with environmental obligation…It is exciting in literary circles when a first-time novelist does as well as Brandeis does with The Book of Dead Birds.
–Rocky Mountain News

Brandeis has a poet’s ear for the music of language…[her] characters and their fledgling flights of the heart stay with readers long after the book is closed and set aside.
–January Magazine

Captivating…A poignant and wonderful novel.
–Dallas Morning News

Intricate and elegant…[Brandeis] mines universal human experiences, not the least of which is the need to get beyond the heartbreak of the past to create a livable future.
–Denver Post

Gathers power and momentum to wind up both mysterious and spiritual.
–Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

In addition to The Book of Dead Birds, Gayle Brandeis is the author of Fruitflesh: Seeds of Inspiration for Women Who Write (HarperSanFrancisco) and Dictionary Poems (Pudding House Publications). Both Fruitflesh and The Book of Dead Birds were chosen as selections for the BookSense list, compiled by the American Booksellers Association. Her second novel, Self Storage, will be published by Ballantine in 2007.

Gayle’s poetry, fiction and essays have appeared in numerous magazines and anthologies (such as Salon.com, Nerve.com, The Mississippi Review, and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency) and have received several awards, including the QPB/Story Magazine Short Story Award, a Barbara Mandigo Kelley Peace Poetry Award, and a grant from the Barbara Deming Memorial Fund. Her essay on the meaning of liberty was one of three included in the Statue of Liberty’s Centennial time capsule in 1986. The Writer Magazine honored Gayle with a 2004 Writer Who Makes a Difference Award for her work in the community as well as her commitment to craft.

Gayle holds a BA in “Poetry and Movement: Arts of Expression, Meditation and Healing” from the University of Redlands, and an MFA in Creative Writing/Fiction from Antioch University. She is on the faculty of the UCLA Writers Program, and is writer in residence for the Mission Inn Foundation’s Family Voices Project. She lives in Riverside, CA with her husband and two children.