The founder of Exmormon.org, Eric Kettunen, gets a lot of hate mail, a lot like me. I should note that there are lots of Mormons that are not rabidly, excessively stupid. A whole lot. But there are plenty out there who do “fit that bill,” and thus they make blogging interesting, to say the least. Here’s a recent letter that Eric got, reprinted with his permission. This letter fits just about every cliche ex-Mormons hear from true believing Mormons (TBMs). It also might give readers outside of the Mormon arena a little idea why ex-Mormons are so angry, and why THEY won’t leave the Mormon Church alone. It might also give MORMONS an idea why ex-Mormons are so cranky. Not everybody laughs at this stuff like I do.

From: “Bryan Monson”
> To: erickett@……
> Date: 23 Nov 2005, 10:23:37 AM
> Subject: Story
>
> I teach the gospel essentials class in my ward in a large city. Common to
> almost every conversion story is a time when the individual got on line and read
> anti-mormonism that caused him or her to pause in their progress.
>
> It must be discouraging, this desprate work you are involved in. Despite
> doing all you have done to fight against God and his work, the Church doesn’t just
> continue forward, it GROWS. At a remarkable pace. Going through the records
> from the past 5 years there has been roughly a trippling of baptisms in our
> city. You can not stop this work. You can not stop the appointment of the Prophet
> of God. The harder Satan and his followers (you, apparently) work to fight
> this cause, the stronger it becomes. You certainly must know this already - Im
> going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are inteligent enough to
> have observed this. So Im not sure which side you really are on?! The more filth
> and lies you publish, the more fervently these converts soul search for the
> truth which is answered by greater revelation.
>
> Stories from new converts are becoming more striking in the amount of aid
> from the other side they’ve received, and needed to receive - equal to their need
> to have sufficient witness of the truth in order to move forward. Stories of
> experiences that I heard of only on occasion as a full-time missionary 15
> years ago, now I hear with much greater frequency. The point is, God will do
> anything he needs to to help these people come into the church. You can’t stop it.
> You only fan the fire. So really, the best way to hinder Mormonism is to not
> say anyting at all and hope the Latter-day Saints become appathetic. But there
> apears to be no sign of that on the horizon, and no sign that the Latter-day
> Saints are letting up one bit in their faithfulness and diligence to carry this
> work to the honest in heart.
>
> Lastly, you know, don’t you, that you are the fulfillment of prophecy. The
> very first of this dispensation - that Joseph’s name would be had among all
> nations for good and evil. I certainly wouldn’t want to be found promulgating the
> evil from deep and wicked lies.
>
> Well thank you for strengthing the ferver with which converts search their
> souls for the Truth. You have brought a strength to the church I could never
> have emagined. And as for you, what did you think? That you could de-rail the
> appointment of the Prophet of God? You tamper with a flame hotter than noon-day
> sun when you seek to mock the Lord’s prophet, persecuit His saints, and seek to
> ‘Crucify Christ Afresh.’ Repent of your wickedness and beg the Lord for His
> forgiveness for what you are doing.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Bryan Monson bryanmonson@……

Now, first off (sorry Kris, but I have to), Bryan, can you spell DELUDED? I doubt it, because you really can’t spell anything else, either.

Please, Bryan, if you are going to be angry for the Lord, and allow that anger to convince you that you can effectively fight for the Lord using your words, shooting emails off to people you don’t know, USE YOUR SPELL CHECKER.

You look like an idiot. You are also spouting tripe. If you actually RESEARCHED instead of just accepting what you have heard from Church leaders, you would know that Church membership has actually dropped, and only an estimated forty-one percent of all the Utahns listed on Mormon rolls are actually active. It gives me great faith in human nature to realize that people are not as easily deceived as some Mormons (those like YOU) would like us all to think.

From an article in The Salt Lake Tribune, in which an LDS official is quoted:

The LDS Church said its count comprises “all members” - including children in LDS families under age 8, when most Mormons are baptized, and nonpracticing members.
Professor Tim Heaton, who studies LDS demographics for church-owned Brigham Young University, says the county numbers probably come from church membership rolls, and that between half and one-third of those people are not active in the faith. If that’s true, then, at most, 41.6 percent of Utahns are church-going Mormons.

While people MAY join, they rarely stay. And those numbers? They are counting every one who EVER JOINED, right up until age 110, when presumably, they have finally left this earthly sphere. Counting them even though the MAJORITY walk out of the wardhouse one day and never come back.

Why do they do that? Because the tenets are mostly unfathomable and ridiculously silly. Of course, for those who do believe, you are giving your church a bad name. And despite what you spout, reading the truth doesn’t lead these people back into the delusion. Most people are capable of reason, something you appear to be missing.

But you just keep convincing yourself, and invest in a good spelling program or spell checker. At least when the fire of the Lord burns deep in your bosom, you can take an antacid and send off a coherent letter.

Something about illiteracy really takes away from fire and brimstone preaching, don’t ya think?

Well thank you for strengthing the ferver with which converts search their
> souls for the Truth. You have brought a strength to the church I could never
> have emagined. And as for you, what did you think? That you could de-rail the
> appointment of the Prophet of God? You tamper with a flame hotter than noon-day
> sun when you seek to mock the Lord’s prophet, persecuit His saints, and seek to
> ‘Crucify Christ Afresh.’ Repent of your wickedness and beg the Lord for His
> forgiveness for what you are doing.

This part really cracks me up. Bryan must have been on crack when he wrote this letter. A flame hotter than noon-day sun? The sun is pretty far away from the earth, Bryan. A bad sunburn is the worst that could happen to Eric. That’s not a terribly hot flame. But I’m sure you convinced him to repent. Really.

I personally am glad that Eric, and others like him, could “strengthing the ferver.”

I think I’ll adapt that as my catch phrase.

In honor of Chez Collins Holiday Decoration Day, God sent snow.

Here, Stormy the Wonder Dog, bows and all, checks it out….

I always like to follow a good rant with pictures of Stormy the Wonder Dog, fresh from a visit to the Doggy Beauty Parlor. In honor of the holiday season upon us, the lovely ladies at the Parlor decorated him with Christmas bows.

I’ve opined before about how this might affect his masculinity. Thus far, things aren’t looking good, as he is still incredibly attracted to the cat, Pumpkin, who is not only the wrong species, but who is also a boy.

Of course, he is also attracted to the genderless stuffed dog that USED to belong to one of the children until he took it over. He alternates between loving it and viciously shaking it from side to side, growling ferociously while it is gripped firmly in his teeth.

Considering the way Mr. Collins wakes up in the morning, this, I suppose, could be the nature of all things male. Love ‘em or rip ‘em to shreds.

At any rate, I’ll make sure he knows it was all done in the spirit of the season. Perhaps then he’ll forgive us.

Today is the day that hundreds of thousands of lights go on in Temple Square. The annual lighting of the Mormon square is a tradition here in Utah. Coincidentally, Chez Collins also was decorated today, complete with the remote controlled lights on the tree. Mr. Collins insists on showing off the remote to everyone. I am not lying. Soon, no one will come to Chez Collins anymore, just because they don’t want to see the remote controlled Christmas tree lights. C’est la vie.

In a fairly stunning victory for child abuse victims, a Washington state jury has ordered The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to pay at least $2.5 million to two sisters who said their bishop did not protect them from a sexually abusive stepfather.

Immediately, the Church issued a statement, posted on their official Web site. This evocatively written release makes me want to puke. They are spinning again, and it’s making EVERY INTELLIGENT PERSON DIZZY. And if it’s NOT making you dizzy, you are NOT paying attention. Or you are stupid.

In this release, they spin the church’s “dedication” to prevention of child abuse, which I can assure you, is ABSOLUTELY non-existent. The entire set up of Mormon hierarchy has been to protect the Church, from day one. If it makes the CHURCH look bad, you better cover it up. Mountain Meadows Massacre? Cover it up. President Gordon B. Hinckley buying up documents from Mark Hoffman, that later prove to be forgeries? Cover it up. If it doesn’t spin the Church positively COVER IT UP.

All of this covering up is bad for ventilation and breathing. Things are dying. I’ve seen it, and had it validated in recent reports of church activity numbers. Haven’t the LDS church authorities learned this yet? Are they not paying attention? Don’t you just want to shake them and say, “listen up?”

So Gordo has said, “Boy, child abuse is really, really bad,” in a few conferences or articles in Church magazines (paraphrased, of course). Does that stop it? Hell no. And even finding those few references is NOT going to save face here.

Oh, and if you are going to try and say I am using an agenda? Taking his words out of context? Well, here they are, just as they are used in the official LDS Church news release.

But child abuse was not always the subject of national media reports. This evil lurked in the shadows, mostly unseen, almost always unmentionable. Yet even before the issue first came to the forefront in the United States, Gordon B. Hinckley, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, publicly denounced child abuse as a terrible evil. In the early 1980s, he captured our thoughts and feelings when he said in a worldwide conference broadcast: “I am glad that there is a growing public awareness of this insidious evil. The exploitation of children . . . for the satisfaction of sadistic desires is sin of the darkest hue.”

See those …? Those are called ellipses, and when ex- or non-Mormons use them, we are accused of taking things out of context. Of course, for the Church purposes, it’s perfectly all right. God is on their side.

This is the saddest excuse for excusing knowledge of evil behavior I have ever heard. “We said it was bad. Isn’t that enough?”

Or even worse, “Well, gee, we just didn’t know about it. The bishop was lay clergy.”

No shit. You didn’t know because you didn’t WANT to know. Don’t tout your exemplary record to me. Tell the truth. The bishop was lay clergy? Have you considered that maybe lay clergy are not properly trained?

From the release:

Bishops receive no salary or financial reward of any kind. Neither are they isolated members of the clergy. There is no special clerical order within the Church for them to belong to. Latter-day Saint bishops live in the community and work at their regular jobs just like everyone else. Because they administer the demands of their bishop’s office mostly on weekends and during evenings, they can do so only by calling on other congregational members in large numbers to help them.

The bishop might be a schoolteacher, a doctor, or a businessman. To help him, a librarian may be asked to teach a Sunday school class of six-year-olds. A female pharmacist might be in charge of the children’s organization for those ages three to 11. These callings are temporary and change frequently, but everyone who serves at the invitation of the bishop is expected to live up to the tenets of their religion, at the core of which is respect for the family and, naturally, children.

In other words, bishops are overworked, untrained, unpaid, and expected to solve problems of an intense, often devastating, and personal nature on a daily basis? Or should I say, even-ly basis, because they are working at regular jobs, at regular businesses, and trying to support their families, while trying to deal with the terrible ills of an entire congregation of human beings who fuck up on a regular basis? Usually in the evening, when they should be with their families?

MORMON CHURCH WAKE UP. The days of unpaid clergy, called by God, are gone. This is a full time job, and you need trained people.

It’s not enough to say “It’s bad.” Duh. This is not rocket science. We know it’s bad, and we know YOU said it was bad. But you never did more. You never set up hotlines (until the last few years), or you never said, “you must report this,” and worst of all, you never said, “STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THIS YOURSELF. YOU ARE NOT PROPERLY TRAINED.”

My friend, who is a retired Utah detective. has told me horrible stories of dealing with Mormons in abuse cases in small town Utah. These bishops THOUGHT they were doing the right thing. It was what they were taught. They fucked up, but no one EVER TOLD THEM THEY WERE FUCKING UP, because they were protecting the church, or even worse, they thought that GOD was telling them how to counsel these people.

There’s a problem here folks, and until you address it, it will NOT go away. And if you don’t address it, I hope that you have many, many more judgments of millions of dollars recorded against you.

Just be honest. Past policy is wrong. Some people are inherently bad. The Mormon Church does not save them from that, and so you NEED TO SAVE THE REAL VICTIMS. The children.

A girl can dream.

I recently caught some ads for a new Mormon movie that looked pretty amusing to me. Unfortunately for the makers of this movie, things aren’t going really well right now.

The movie is called Sons of Provo, the story of a Mormon Boy Band called Everclean. The name itself is funny–a Google searched turned up Ever Clean as a brand of cat litter–as is the entire concept.

Consider the lyrics from their theme song.

Everclean, cleaner than Listerine
Mellower than Dramamine
Not even close to obscene

Once again I have to send kudos to Halestorm Entertainment, a production company that is apparently made up of mostly believing Mormons (I don’t know this for fact, so don’t quote me, but that DOES seem to be the image they are promoting), catering to mostly believing Mormons, but TOTALLY capable of making fun of the entire culture of Mormonism. Actually, I’ve watched a few Halestorm Mormon movies, and they do have a unique ability to make fun of Mormon culture while maintaining their “values.” The RM was pretty damn funny, even if the “bad boy” did end up learning his lesson at the end, when I was rooting for the RM to come over the dark side. What can I say. I’m Ms. Dark and Twisted.

This movie looks even more funny than The RM, with over-the-top stereotypical Mormon characters. And somehow, it got a PG rating. What is UP with that? Why would a Mormon film be rated PG? Did they go wild and crazy with the hecks and dangs? Can you get EVEN get a PG rating for that? Did they drink caffeinated Coca Cola and Mountain Dew with wild abandon?

Perhaps the essence of the movie itself is just attracting the wrong kind of karma, at least if you are a true believing Mormon, since all the descriptions of the characters make them seem kind of like, well, they’re playing for the other team. I haven’t seen the movie, so I can’t confirm this, but one is an aerobics instructor, one a professional scrapbooker, and the other a student of eastern philosophy with a minor in LDS Church history. (This is just SO wrong on SO many levels that I just can’t even begin to tell you. I laughed for twenty minutes just reading the film synopsis.)

The Des News article I read (the actual Des News, not the Tribune which I call Des News II)claimed the film is squeaky-clean Mormon fun (but what about that PG rating? Hmmm?).
But things went haywire with Sons of Provo, not in the making of the movie, but in the distribution. Somehow, when it was at the distributors, it got mixed up with a film that is slightly more questionable–although the OTHER film’s makers claim it is NOT a porno. The Mormons ain’t buying it. So, instead of Sons of Provo, we have Sons of Porno.

The independent film is unrated but is not pornographic, said Corey Eubanks, spokesman for Wolfe Video, the largest distributor of films featuring gay and lesbian characters and stories. However, the film does contain sexual situations and centers around a gay porn star.
“It’s a very heartwarming film about a porn star that reconnects with his family,” Eubanks said. “It’s not a porn film at all. It’s just about someone who is a porn actor.”
Both “Adored” and “Sons of Provo” hired the same Los Angeles company to make copies of their movies for mass DVD sales. Somewhere in the distribution process, “Adored” movies got mixed in with “Sons of Provo” DVDs and were shipped to Utah, said George Dayton, who oversees HaleStorm’s business affairs.
HaleStorm refuses to hire any company that distributes pornographic films, Dayton said. However, attorneys for HaleStorm and the distribution company are arguing over whether “Adored” is, indeed, pornographic.
“This is hugely damaging,” Dayton said. “We don’t want our consumers to associate anything with us, whether it’s some soft-core title or whatever, I don’t know. But certainly this title doesn’t lend itself to good, clean family or LDS-centered entertainment.”
HaleStorm Entertainment executives recalled “Sons of Provo” and ordered a new shipment that could be back on shelves as early as this week, Dayton said.