I received this comment on my last blog.

Kris (bkej@shaw.ca) wrote the following:
I think people who have left the church should move on with their
lives…stop wasting their time complaining about the church and
start living their lives. That’s just my opinion though. My
girlfriend who just left her church (she’s Catholic) doesn’t sit
around bemoaning the fact that she left…”oh my life is so
baaaadddd, please feel sorry for me”. Either move on and get over
it, or figure out what the problem really is in your life.

K.

Now, first, let me be really honest and admit that whenever I get these types of comments, my first instinct is to say, “Hey, Dumbass, what if your head was your butt and your butt was your head? Then you’d be a butthead!” But I usually take a little more time and think on my responses, before I reply. Thank goodness.

So, to Kris, who, by the way, has a blog that has something to do with tupperware or plastic, I simply say this. (Okay, I might be lying here. It might not be simple. Bear with me.)

Not a good example, Kris. The Catholic Church is not known for obsessing over MIA members. Especially in these days when they are busy covering up all those priest/child sex scandals. While Catholic mothers may implore errant children to return to church and God, the actual Catholic CHURCH leaves the imploring up to the Catholic mothers. They aren’t really all that obsessed with numbers and members, those Catholics. If you don’t want to go to Church, you just don’t show up, and 16 parish members do not show up at your doorstep to implore you to return. This, you see, is not good form. While they want you to find God, they do not feel the need to hogtie you, stick a gag in your mouth and drag you, kicking and screaming, to God’s altar.

But whatever, Kris, you make your silly comparisons.

I was curious what made Kris rant about this to ME. So I checked out Kris’s blog, for which she left a URL. I found this.

Get over it.
To be perfectly honest internets, I have been finding way too many blogs out there in blogland whose authors are big, fat, moany, whiners trying to convince themselves of something that I am not sure THEY even believe.

At this point, I must simply leave all civility behind and say “What the fuck are you talking about?” I mean, come on. Big, fat, moany, whiners? First of all, get RID of that comma after moany. It ruined your whole sentence. And is moany even a word? And what is this crap about people not even being sure what they believe? I just have to guess she wasn’t reading my blog, because I’m pretty confident about what I believe. I also don’t have an awful life, nor do I complain about it. I DO make fun of silly people a lot, and since I live in Utah, most of those silly people are Mormons. It’s a demographics thing.

Most interesting to me, however, was this statement.

Let me add that there are numerous “I left the LDS church and you should too” blogs out there that just piss me off. If you left then you left…move on with your life. I refuse to judge you for it, I’m not going to blog about you and your choices…but don’t you EVER judge me for believing and doing what I believe is right for me and mine.

GET OVER IT.

Again, I’m not sure how my blog qualifies here, because I’m not a jump-on-the-bandwagon kinda gal, and I’m not imploring anyone to come to The Church of Natalie, but since Kris commented on my blog, I’m guessing I pissed her off. I’ve never said, “I left the LDS church, and you should too.” In fact, I have said, “I left the LDS Church but they claimed me back, and gave me imaginary children to boot.” Or something like that. If I have “followers,” well, that’s not really my fault.

So, the bottom line here is, Kris is a Mormon who is pissed that FORMER Mormons blog about being FORMER or, in my case, TRYING TO BE FORMER, Mormons. Of course, SHE can blog all she wants.

So LISTEN up Kris. As long as Mormons send out missionaries and traipse the earth telling other people that they have THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION, I shall choose to evoke my same, God-given right, and say I DON’T believe it is the only true religion, or even close. As long as they show up at my door asking for money, or in other cases, my children, YOU can bet your sweet ass I’ll tell them what I think.

You, apparently, are spouting that familiar line, ONLY the MORMONS (who have the RESTORED GOSPEL) have the right to offer their views, and those who are NOT faithful Mormons (and faithful to Jesus Christ’s RESTORED GOSPEL), should GET OVER IT.

Guess what, Kris? YOU get over it. At the risk of being redundant, I shall requote Kris.

I refuse to judge you for it, I’m not going to blog about you and your choices…but don’t you EVER judge me for believing and doing what I believe is right for me and mine.

You are PRETTY much a big, fat, liar (notice I don’t have a comma here) because you DID blog about it, even though you didn’t name names, and you HAVE judged me for doing what I believe is right for me and mine.

I didn’t judge you, because I don’t know you from Adam (or Eve for that matter). You might want to be SLIGHTLY worried about that plastic obsession but they have medication for that.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

There was an interesting story in today’s Salt Lake Tribune. The Trib has recently been running a lot of stories about Mormons, and interestingly enough, their declining numbers in Utah, but this story was particularly interesting because the Church was faced to own up to the fact they are just not WILLING to let anyone go, ever. Or at least until you turn 110.

Basically, the story talks about the church “member locators” who attempt to track down the 180,000 (I suspect this number is fudged, but we won’t go there tonight) Mormons for whom they do not have addresses or phone numbers. Never mind the fact that it’s pretty obvious these Mormons do not wish to be contacted, because Mormon churches just aren’t that hard to find. If they wanted to come back to church, they would be there. It ain’t rocket science. But the Mormon Church is not going to let them be. In fact, they keep looking and WILL keep looking for these Mormons until they reach the age of 110, hell freezes over and Utah elects a Democratic representative. (That part about the age of 110 is true. Go read the article.)

I, personally, would like to locate these Mormons and find out how they managed to convince family members NOT to turn them in. My mother sends my records everywhere I go. My church records were and are more faithful than any boyfriend I ever had in my younger years. Those (boyfriends) came and went, but by God, the Mormons always knew where to find me. The CIA has nothing on the Church and my mother.

It leaves me wondering if there is some sort of Witness Protection Program for former Mormons. Are these former Mormons being spirited away from family and friends so they can live out the rest of their lives in relative peace, away from visiting teachers, member locaters and green jello with carrots in it? Is there an Underground Railroad for former Mormons, who are whisked away to states not located in the Mormon corridor, only to find themselves in strange lands where people don’t understand funeral potatoes, the wardhouse, and girls so ugly they are called “sweet spirits?”

I wonder these things, late at night, when I should be sleeping.

Tonight we went again to see Thriller, put on by Odyssey Dance Theatre. This is an annual treat for Utahns, and if you hail from outside the state, I’d be rallying for a national tour of this show, because Thriller is an awesome mix of incredible dance skill, belly-laughing humor (some a bit black, some just outright comical), and a few chills and thrills. If you are from Utah, get thy ass to Thriller and get it there NOW! You won’t regret it. They are even performing in St. George.

You’re never quite sure what to expect from each number in the two-act performance. You’re almost WAITING, holding your breath, for something to happen…. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t.

Parts of Thriller are pretty gritty for the staid Mormon crowd, but obviously there are enough rabble rousers to fill an entire auditorium in Ogden, because this show was nearly–if not totally-sold out.

A popular return act this year was Lorena Bobbitt, singing a medley of songs that had all the men in the audience cringing, just a little bit. Also popular is the River of Blood Dance number, one which leaves me asking, “Derryl Yeager, are you scared to go to sleep at night?” In this number, traditional Irish dancers are doing their thing until someone starts picking them off, one by one, like ducks in a shooting gallery. And it really works. You can actually SEE how Derryl got that idea–although you still worry a bit about his current mental state. But who am I to question? I write suspense for a living, and people are regularly murdered in all kinds of horrible ways in my world. Derryl’s my kind of guy.

The Odgen performances featured a troupe of the older dancers from my daughter’s dance studio, Elite Dance Force. Some of our younger dancers also made parts in the performance, as maniacal chucky dolls.

Thriller plays October 17 & 18 at the Tuacahn Ampitheatre in St. George, Utah (Not far from Nevada! Vegas people, go, go!!), October 21-29 in Salt Lake City at Kingsbury Hall, and October 31 in Logan, at Kent Concert Hall.

Today’s guest on Trapped by the Mormons is Jennifer O’Connell, whose book, OFF THE RECORD, is getting rave reviews from all sorts of awesome places. Places like Kirkus, and Romantic Times. Jennifer is a great writer and a fun to read, and she keeps the interest of the reader high. But why listen to me? Instead, listen to what others say about the book.

PRAISE FOR JENNIFER O’CONNELL’S
OFF THE RECORD

“Decadent fun … O’Connell makes this sweet treat go down smoothly.”
KIRKUS REVIEWS

“Cleverly unconventional plot … O’Connell unveils the transformation with impressive skill and timing.”
ROMANTIC TIMES

“Rockin’ chick lit!”
COMPLETE WOMAN

OFF THE RECORD by Jennifer O’Connell (NAL; September 2005), author of BACHELORETTE # 1 and DRESS REHEARSAL, is her most rockin’ book yet.
There’s no way a rock star would ever write a song about Jane Marlow, the straight-as-an-arrow narrator of OFF THE RECORD. She isn’t the type to wear red garter belts or rhinestone butterfly thongs under her conservative navy blue suits. She’s a true-blue good girl: a plain, predictable, and perfectly responsible estates attorney.
But then Jane’s brother catches an episode of Music One’s “Off the Record,” and makes a startling discovery that threatens to take Jane out of the law library and into the spotlight. Former pop sensation Teddy Rock isn’t just a has-been rock star attempting to make a comeback, he’s actually their childhood neighbor Theodore Brockford…and his one-hit wonder twelve years earlier wasn’t just a catchy tune that took the charts by storm - it was a song about Jane Marlow.
Jane can’t believe it-especially since she’s nothing like the girl in the song. Adamantly refusing to believe she’s the inspiration for the song Janey 245, Jane dismisses the proof as circumstantial, even if she does have to admit it’s more than a little coincidental. On the verge of making partner in her law firm, Jane’s not about to risk letting anyone find out. Her brother, on the other hand, decides to capitalize on the idea.

Convinced that Jane’s unknown celebrity is the key to turning around a family friend’s bar, he contacts the media and invites them to meet Janey 245 in person. And once Jane’s story gets out, there’s no going back.

As her law firm sees the dollar signs associated with a rock star’s estate, and Teddy Rock’s promoters see an opportunity to clean up his bad boy image for a spectacular come-back, Teddy Rock’s reluctant muse is forced into the limelight and is given a chance to live life off the record - but is she ready for the changes it brings? And even if she’s willing to take the risk, is she willing to face the music?
Read OFF THE RECORD and find out why the critics hailed BACHELORETTE #1, Jennifer O’Connell’s first book, as a “poolside page-turner,” and a “hot pick” that’s “filled with insight and humor,” and why Jennifer’s second book, DRESS REHEARSAL was called “perfect.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Jennifer O’Connell received her BA from Smith College and her MBA from the University of Chicago. She lives outside of Chicago and is currently working on her fourth novel.

OFF THE RECORD By Jennifer O’Connell
NAL Trade Paperback
September 2005
Price: $12.95
ISBN 0-451-21645-8

Don’t miss Jennifer in her Fictionista Chick Lit Tour, happy hour events with women, wine and a few well-chosen words. Here are the upcoming dates:

New York, NY Friday 10/14 - 5pm @ Sugarcane, 245 Park Ave S. (connected to Sushi Samba)
Chicago, IL Monday 10/24 - 5pm @ Liquid Lounge, 171 W. Randolph St.
Memphis, TN Tuesday 10/25 - 6pm @ Hard Rock Cafe
Atlanta, GA Thursday, 10/27 - 6pm @ Aiko, 128 East Andrews Dr.

My friend, Richard Packham, is a pretty smart guy. And he’s done a lot to help ex-Mormons deal with the Mormons in their life who refuse to deal with the fact they no longer believe. Phew. That’s a mouthful.

Richard’s FAQ says:

“How can I answer questions from Mormons about my leaving the church?”

One of the most difficult aspects of leaving Mormonism is facing the accusatory questioning of Mormon friends and relatives. Many people who have just left Mormonism are at a loss as to how to deal with such questions. Usually the questions are not really requests for information, but rather attempts at emotional manipulation. Mormons usually prefer to pre-judge the cause of someone’s change of belief and assume that they already know the “real” answer to these questions. Here are some of the questions and comments often faced by those who have just left the church, with suggestions as to how one might respond. Many other responses are possible, of course, and an appropriate response would depend on the prior relationship with the questioner and the sincerity of the question.

Anyway, Richard has put together a list of questions and answers for Mormons who question ex-Mormons as to why they would leave. In usual Natalie-fashion, I thought I’d answer the questions in my own way. Make sure you go to HIS site to see the real answers.

Q: Why did you leave the church?

A: Well, I was getting close to Mormon-marrying age, and the temple garments just did NOT look good with my wardrobe and Victoria’s secret underwear. I’d tell you it was because I found the tenets and beliefs without merit and frankly, pretty damn, silly, but I know you wouldn’t accept that.

Q: I really would like to hear about what made you leave the church, but can you tell me about it without saying bad things about the church or our leaders?

A: In other words, you don’t think I really have a reason for leaving, and you don’t want me to be honest. Basically, your question really means, “You are an idiot and can’t possibly have had a genuine, logical reason for leaving. So just LISTEN to me and get your ass back to the Mormon Church.”

Q: Which commandments weren’t you keeping, that Satan was able to tempt you?
A: Thou shalt bleed profusely from your brain, thus rendering you incapable of common sense and reasoning skills.

Q: Have you been reading “anti-Mormon” literature?
A: Reading it? Hell, I’ve been WRITING it. At least I have, according to my many detractors… I just thought it was good fiction.

Q: You know what I mean: have you been reading material written by anti-Mormons?
A: Anti-Mormons, TBM Mormons, Mormons with neck wattle, Never-Been-Mormons, General-Authority-Type Mormons. I’ve read it all. Are you saying I should only read one side? As early as kindergarten we learned the adage, there are TWO sides to every story.

More to come.