My young friend Rand is still writing me, although I’m not sure why. As my friend Jen says, “Do these people not READ your blog? Have they not YET figured it out?” I guess not.

Rand said:

You are just so biast in all your opinions. Tell me a simple truth that completely defies all mormon beliefs, and I will listen to you. By the way, what religion are you?

Oh God. It’s so hard for me when the spelling-challenged try to set me straight. It really is. SURELY if God is solely on your side, he’ll HELP YOU SPELL THE FUCKING WORDS RIGHT. Is it that much to ask?

And frankly, “tell me a simple truth that completely defies all mormon beliefs” is a big order. In fact, it makes not ONE iota of sense to me at all. There isn’t one TRUTH that defies ALL Mormon beliefs. If there was ONE truth it would be easy to tell people, “Hello, you are STUPID. The one truth is YOU ARE WRONG. GOD LOVES YOU. HAVE A NICE DAY.”

I’ve been waiting my entire life to find that ONE TRUE THING. Waiting to get hit by the lightning that will tell me WAKE UP. THIS IS TRUE, DUMBASS.

About five years ago, I discovered there is no ONE TRUE THING. But there are lots of little true things.

For example, if you spend six dollars at a nice carwash, and get that multicolored rainbow wash stuff, it will rain the next day. EVERYONE knows this one.

If your dog eats cat food, he will puke on the floor, and on the bed, and anywhere else he is in the house, but he will never puke once you put him outside.

Popcorn NEVER tastes as good as it smells when someone else is eating it.

Cat hair does not stick to the cat. Instead, cat hair sticks to black pants, blankets, small children’s mouths and food and the dog.

If the dog tries to have sex with the cat, it will not work. Despite the fact you know this, you cannot convince the dog. The dog will continue to try to hump the cat.

These are just a few of the true things in life I have discovered. I’d love to hear some more. So let’s hear them! What are some of the truths YOU’VE discovered???

Wow, it’s been a busy week here behind the Zion Curtain. But I just had to post this update to my blog post on Weenie Rat Face Warren Jeffs. According to an article in the Deseret News (God’s newspaper, dontcha know, so it MUST be true…) the FBI tracked two vehicles linked to the first Warren Jeffs sighting at a Cabella’s store in Lehi. They were found, according to the article, in Colorado City. Right in Warren Jeffsville. Whouda thunk it?

This gives a LOT of credence to the sighting. He was also reportedly seen at Strawberry Reservoir, with the same people as the Lehi sighting, in a wheelchair.

While I’d like to think someone broke his kneecaps, more than likely he’s just trying to disguise himself. I’ve long held that criminals, even really rich and evil ones, are stupid. Fishing at Strawberry Reservoir, after buying supplies at a Cabella’s, when you are on the FBI’s Most Wanted list? Dumb.

We’ll keep you posted.

Apparently, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (The Mormons, to you and me) has petitioned HBO to put a disclaimer at the beginning of a new show about polygamy that will run on the cable channel. It is, appropriately, called Big Love, and it deals with a man who tries to spread his love around to his three wives. Or something like that.

Anyway, the Mormons want HBO to tell the world that they don’t practice polygamy, and that this has NOTHING to do with the modern-day Mormon Church.

A couple of things come to mind here.

1) If the modern-day Mormon Church has nothing to do with polygamy, why would they petition HBO to put a disclaimer in front of this show telling the world they have nothing to do with polygamy? If they truly HAVE nothing to do with polygamy, a disclaimer is totally unnecessary, right?

2) Polygamy is still a tenet of the Mormon Church, and it is taught that it will be practiced in the Celestial Kingdom. Not only that, but according to Joseph Smith, and in Section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants, God proclaims: For behold, I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.

Hmmm. New and everlasting. Everlasting pretty much says it AIN’T going away, right? So how do they explain THAT one? Easy. They called the edict outlawing it a “manifesto.”

This is my favorite part of the D&C verse, though.

61 And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.

62 And if he have ten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.

63 But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed; for they are given unto him to multiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and to fulfil the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds, that they may bear the souls of men; for herein is the work of my Father continued, that he may be glorified.

See that? God just gave Joe permission to have as many virgins as he wanted, and gave those SAME virgins a warning. YOU belong to him, but HE doesn’t belong to you.

Okay, I lied. That wasn’t my FAVORITE part of this particular scripture. The part where God tells Emma Smith, Joe’s wife, that she better listen up and do his will, or she would be destroyed, is my favorite.

51 Verily, I say unto you: A commandment I give unto mine handmaid, Emma Smith, your wife, whom I have given unto you, that she stay herself and partake not of that which I commanded you to offer unto her; for I did it, saith the Lord, to prove you all, as I did Abraham, and that I might require an offering at your hand, by covenant and sacrifice.

52 And let mine handmaid, Emma Smith, receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph, and who are virtuous and pure before me; and those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God.

53 For I am the Lord thy God and ye shall obey my voice; and I give unto my servant Joseph that he shall be made ruler over many things; for he hath been faithful over a few things, and from henceforth I will strengthen him.

54 And I command mine handmaid, Emma Smith, to abide and cleave unto my servant Joseph, and to none else. But if she will not abide this commandment she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord; for I am the Lord thy God, and will destroy her if she abide not in my law.

55 But if she will not abide this commandment, then shall my servant Joseph do all things for her, even as he hath said; and I will bless him and multiply him and give unto him an hundredfold in this world, of fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, houses and lands, wives and children, and crowns of eternal lives in the eternal worlds.

56 And again, verily I say, let mine handmaid forgive my servant Joseph his trespasses; and then shall she be forgiven her trespasses, wherein she has trespassed against me; and I, the Lord thy God, will bless her, and multiply her, and make her heart to rejoice.

I’m telling you, there are some real plusses to being considered a prophet. Hell, if your wife is fighting you, and disagreeing with you, just have GOD talk to her. That’ll shut her up.

I have had a brief interchange with a recent commenter on my blog. I know, hard to believe. This person, whom I believe to be a young, male, Mormon, wrote this:

Wow ur kinda immature..
Rand

I’m sure you can imagine my response, but just in case you can’t, I’ll post it here for you.

A person who uses “ur” to indicate YOU ARE is calling ME immature? Can you say teenage MORMON? Too funny.

My friend Rand wrote back.

How does my “lingo” indicate whether I am mature or not?

I answered:

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. No one over the age of 25 uses the verbiage of the young and gramatically challenged. Only the immature use “ur” and think it stands for the real thing.

I realize you were trying to cut me down, but it didn’t work. I’ve heard much worse.

As for you, I can tell you are a young Mormon, probably male, possibly getting ready to embark on a mission or just getting back. Only Mormons take offense at my writing, and not all Mormons at that. Some of them laugh along with me, and realize I am poking fun at a culture that has many amusing aspects, and if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you are FAR too uptight.

Rand then said:

Does it really matter how old I am? Using ur doesnt affect anything.

Hmm. Methinks I struck a vein. He’s pretty bugged that I know he’s young, and identified him as such. And also tagged him as exactly what he was. A young male pre-or post-mission. Another one who wants his fifteen minutes of fame. And who am I to deny him?

I wrote back:

You keep telling yourself that. And all this will be posted on my blog, so keep watching! It’ll be your 15 minutes of Mormon fame….

So here it is, as promised. My mature young friend Rand’s email exchange with me.

Tom Barberi has long been known as “Utah’s Voice of Reason,” and God knows we need one. He’s moved around a bit, of course, because in Utah, we are NOT reasonable people. At least most of us. Tom has landed at 97.5 FM Talk, where he has a show from 12 to 2 p.m., and Holly Braithwaite is his co-host and producer.

Tom had a column at The Salt Lake Tribune, back when it was still an independent newspaper and not the Deseret News II, but those days are gone. Did I mention the Deseret News is owned by the Mormon Church? I’m not even going to begin to go into the shenanigans pulled by LDS Inc. in order to get editorial control over The Trib, but through some very shifty manuevering they finally managed to pull it off. Thus, the new moniker, Des News II. Of course, that’s just my moniker for them. But The Trib is independent no more, no matter WHAT they claim.

Annnnyway, I discovered (all right, like most things, I did not DISCOVER it. It fell into my lap, because Holly posted a comment on my blog.) that Tom and Holly are blogging! Yup, it’s true. And very amusingly, too. I’m adding it to my must-read blogs.

Check it out!