The other day, my daughter got one of those eternally-forwarded chain letters that plague cyberspace, and knowing what a skeptic I am, she asked me if it was for real.

As usual, it was not, which NEVER seems to stop people from forwarding these things. And I don’t get it. Why the hell would you forward ANY kind of death warning, promise of riches, or promises to curse your family, without first verifying whether or not it was true?

But it doesn’t matter. Everyone does it. For example, here is the Monkeyman letter.

This is something I received from the State Police Please read this “very carefully”…then send it out to all the people online that you know. Something like this is nothing to take casually; this is something you DO want to pay attention to. Think of it as a bit of advice too.

If a person with the screen-name of Monkeyman935 contacts you, DO NOT REPLY!!!! DO NOT TALK TO THIS PERSON; DO NOT ANSWER ANY OF HIS/HER INSTANT MESSAGES OR E-MAILS. Whoever this person may be, he/she is a suspect for murder in the death of 56 women (so far) contacted through the Internet. Please send this to all the women and children on your buddy list and ask them to pass this on, as well. This screen-name was seen on Yahoo, AOL, and Excite, so far. This is not a joke! Please send this to men too…just in case! Send to every one you know! Ladies, this is serious. Cut and paste this from its long forward list. Please check and make sure to forward to anyone I have not included on this list.

Perhaps the key here is the THREAT. If you scare the shit out of people, they will listen and forward things. Either that, or promise riches, wish-fulfillment, or good luck. Sometimes the motive of these hoaxes is revenge, like with the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe. People think they are getting one up on Neiman Marcus by telling everyone their cookie recipe, which does not exist.

But the motivation is never really founded in fact or solid, emotionally-balanced thought. I guess that’s why we sell so many lottery tickets in the United States.

If you actually have something legitimate to offer, say, a good book, they will not forward your post on. Not that I’ve TRIED this, but it sure has crossed my mind. I get these stupid forwarded emails every week. And every time, I wonder how I could make it work for me.

I can envision the email now.

This is something I received from the State Library Police. Please read this “very carefully”…DO NOT IGNORE THIS EMAIL, or you will be sorry. Forward this to everyone on your mailing list.

You must read the book WIVES AND SISTERS by Natalie R. Collins. If you do not the State Library Police will come to your home and “shush” you into submission. In addition, your toes will shrivel up and become gangrenous and your children will immediately fall to the floor and pledge lifetime allegiance to Hari Krishna.

If you do not immediately go to the bookstore and get a copy of this book, available for only $24.95 in hardback, your name will be given to the LDS Church as an “extremely excited investigator” and hordes of LDS Missionaries will storm your home, refusing to leave you alone until you feel a burning in your bosom that is not directly related to the shotgun blast you just fired at them.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses will also be preaching the gospel of Jehovah, or whatever gospel it is they preach, and if you get hurt from the shotgun, they will NOT, I repeat, NOT allow you to have a blood transfusion to save your life.

Purchasing this book will keep you safe from: Mormons, Jay-Dubs, Snake-handlers, Amway Salesmen and door-to-door salesmen/women who call you beautiful and offer to clean everything in your house with one simple product that costs only $19.95.

It will also afford you protection from Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise, and bad television movies starring Meredith Baxter-Birney.

FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. Everyone can use this kind of protection.

So, whattaya think? Will it work?

Alison Kent is a Brava author. Brava is a “hot” line. Yeah, yeah, that kind of hot. Not the kind that is permeating Utah and other states, as summer has finally arrived. The kind of hot that makes you blush, and stammer, and uh, get a little moist.

So that’s Alison’s kind of hot, and she has a brand new book out featuring JUST THAT kind of hot.

The book is Larger Than Life.

Here’s a bit about it.

With her wildly popular SG-5 series, Alison Kent proved that taut suspense and hot, sensual romance make for an irresistible mix. Now, in LARGER THAN LIFE, Kent ups the ante again with a story of two people caught in a high-stakes game where their hearts and lives are on the line…

Now, with the shelter in unimaginable danger and time running out, Mick is in for the fight of his life, one that could cost him the woman he’s come to love more than anything…

Somebody turn on the air….

Eleven-year-old Utah Boy Scout, Brennan Hawkins, was found alive in the Utah mountains after being lost for four days. I am happy for the outcome, happy for the parents, happy for the boy.

But, of course, it’s never just about the human aspect. I watched a press release held this morning at the home of Brennan. It turned into a Mormon Church PR event. That’s not unusual. It usually does in these cases. It’s what they’ve been taught. Even funerals are supposed to be about the gospel, and not about the person who died. Boyd K. Packer is the Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In a devotional address, delivered October 15, 1996, Boyd K. Packer made that and a few other things clear. He even addressed the “callings” that are considered inspiration, and which supports my claim that totally untrained people are leading young boys up into treacherous country and they are not prepared, because they are called by God, and supposedly God is keeping them safe.

We do not aspire to calls in the Church, nor do we ask to be released. We are called to positions in the Church by inspiration. Even if the call is presented in a clumsy way, it is not wise for us to refuse the call. We must presuppose that the call comes from the Lord. The fifth article of faith tells us that we “must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.”

From the same speech, here is what he said about funerals.

Another point of order: Bishops should not yield the arrangement of meetings to members. They should not yield the arrangement for funerals or missionary farewells to families. It is not the proper order of things for members or families to expect to decide who will speak and for how long. Suggestions are in order, of course, but the bishop should not turn the meeting over to them. We are worried about the drift that is occurring in our meetings.

Funerals could and should be the most spiritually impressive. They are becoming informal family reunions in front of ward members. Often the Spirit is repulsed by humorous experiences or jokes when the time could be devoted to teaching the things of the Spirit, even the sacred things.

So, I understand why Brennan’s parents are using his homecoming as a platform to promote the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is the way things are done in the Church. And I understand why Brennan’s parents, of course, are giving most of the credit to God. But I have to wonder if they are really LISTENING, or thinking, about what they are saying.

What I am referring to is their assertion that God–more specifically, the deity Mormons refer to as “The Savior”–was watching over Brennan and brought him home. Considering that the father of Garrett Bardsley–also a Mormon, who was lost last August in the same area, and who was never found–has been helping in the search, surely they would have to take pause and ask, “Why was God not watching over Garrett?”

Do they not think that the very simple assertion that God is solely responsible for Brennan’s safe return must be extremely hurtful to the Bardsleys, who have done nothing but try to HELP the Hawkins family? Why does God consider Brennan so much more worthy and worthwhile than Garrett? Even worse, we have learned that Brennan has some “social immaturity” problems that resulted from a premature birth, and it appears that at times he actually heard the searchers looking for him and hid from them, because he had been taught not to talk to strangers. Even while hiding from those sent to help him, he was still found. And Garrett is still missing.

I suppose that if they are considering these things, they will decide that God has a plan for all of us. Apparently, God’s plan for Garrett was that he not be found, although I have a hard time comprehending that. While we assume that Garrett is dead, we of course, do not know. My 13-year-old daughter is convinced someone has him. There are many cabins up in this area, and in fact, Brennan was recovered from an area not far from where my good friends have a very nice cabin. Could he be holed up there somewhere, a victim of a pedophile? It’s unlikely, but this scenario and others must constantly run through the minds of Garrett’s parents, simply because they don’t know the answer. They don’t know what happened to Garrett. How can this be God’s plan, to leave these people in anguish?

How can it be God’s plan to allow some innocent young children to be taken from their own homes, murdered, kidnapped, molested, while others are sent to Boy Scout Camp in rugged terrain with ill-trained supervisers–where was the person who was supposed to be watching Brennan?–and yet they are found alive after wandering for four days, hiding from those sent to help them?

One good thing did come out of the Gospel Press Conference held by the Hawkins family. They have asked for people to search for Garrett Bardsley. Maybe they can find out what happened to him, and give some peace to his parents.

You can help, too, by visiting the site dedicated to Garrett’s recovery, http://www.findgarrett.org/.

Some of you may remember when I rather scathingly dismissed Hilton Harris’s letter to the Editor of The Salt Lake Tribune.

I wasn’t particularly nice. Matter of fact, I pretty much ripped him to shreds. Well, today, I discovered THIS comment on my guestbook, in between entries promising to give me long-lasting erections and introduce me to horny housewives waiting to…. Well, you get the picture. Spam entries.

I loved the blog you wrote on may 29 about the op-ed piece I had published in the trib “church has rights too”. It was really funny.
I’m actuall kind of flattered that my piece made enough of an impact on you for you to write a blog about it.
You’re a great writer. I had never heard of you before I stumbled onto your blog. I’m going to buy a copy of your book.
Thanks again,
Hilton

Now, if I am to take this message at face value, Hilton isn’t mad at me. Whodathunkit? I, of course, know how easy it is to pretend to be something you aren’t, at least on the Internet. You think you’re exchanging emails with the next love of your life, Carlo, 29, retired-cabana-boy-turned-media-mogul (it could happen!) and instead, you get Clyde, 400-pound ex-convict with a farmer tan and beady eyes.

So, I’m not convinced this is really Hilton. But hey, if it is, thanks for writing, Hilton! Glad I made you feel good. I hope you like the book.

As a mother, tonight my heart is aching. I wish I could somehow harden myself, somehow not care when these things happen, but ever since my uterus hardened and formed with a child, I have found myself a sucker for just about every sad story where a child is involved. Those of you who know my sardonic, bitchy persona might be amazed. Those of you who really KNOW me, know my heart is on my sleeve.

Tonight, on the news, we learned another young boy is lost in the rugged Uintah mountains, another victim of Boy Scout Camp. It ain’t the first time. Here in Utah, Boy Scout Camp is a given. You go, your children go, and you have faith in the Savior to keep your children safe. Of course, if the leaders are 45, out of shape, and terrain-challenged, oh well. The leaders have the Mormon Priesthood. Surely that is enough to lead them out safely. On the television news, which I watched through tears, the father, also choking back tears, said he was relying on the “Savior” to keep his boy safe. I understand this. But what I don’t understand is why he willingly let his son go into these rugged mountains without properly trained leaders?

Yes, I realize our local Boy Scout troops are almost exclusively Mormon. The LDS Church long ago adopted the BS program as one of their own. Most of the time, nothing bad happens in Scouting. But sometimes it does. This is the SECOND boy in nine months LOST in those SAME mountains.

The other boy has never been found.

Isn’t sending other young boys out into the mountain with untrained leaders–relying on the Grace of God to keep them safe–the equivalent of handling poisonous snakes and relying on God to keep you safe when you are taunting them to bite you?

I go camping with my children many, many times every summer. I have never ONCE lost them, but I also don’t allow them to travel in uncharted, rough terrain.

Oh people. God helps those that help themselves.

My heart is heavy.

****
Update: The young Scout has still not been found.