Advice to the Mormon-Lorn…
I’ve received another request for advice regarding whether or not a Non-Mormon should move to Utah. I feel spectacularly UNQUALIFIED to answer this question, because I have never been a Non-Mormon. Rather, I have tried to be an ex-Mormon, rather unsuccessfully, a tale with which I have regaled you before. But feel free to go back and read how I became Trapped by the Mormons.
However, because I do live here as a former Mormon, among the Mormons, I shall do my best to answer this question. As always, I am including the comments verbatim. Remember, please, that although you might think I understand this society well, most of it has always puzzled me. Of course, so does Donald Trump’s hairdo, so let’s carry on.
I may be transferred to Salt Lake City for my job in federal law enforcement. I have a 6 year old daughter and wife who will be moving with me. Is my life going to suck there or what being non mormon. I was looking at realestate and figured I could buy a home on some acerage about 20 to 30 miles out of salt lake and not be bothered. In salt lake are the public schools bad for non mormons and are there a variety of good prvate schools I could put my daughter in for second grade. Help I don’t want to make a huge mistake
Your life here will not suck, but it will definitely swallow. Oh wait. I have that totally backwards, and it’s the wrong discussion. Moving on. You need to be able to make some adjustments. Or at least, see how easily you can control the following things.
1. Ability to control yourself and NOT scream and throw things at the television when the news reports yet again that “after legislators consulted Church authorities, the bill did not pass.” This can get expensive.
2. Ability not to wince when someone offers you “funeral potatoes.” (Despite their ominous name, they are very good. Damn good. REALLY REALLY addictive-like good. One taste of ooey, gooey, cheesy funeral potatoes and you will instantly convert and proclaim, “iknowthischurchistruenameofjesuschristamen.” Next thing you know you’re wearing Magic Underoos and talking about THE CHURCH without identifying WHICH Church of which you speak. Unless you hate potatoes, you may want to decline when offered this tasty, oddly-named, delicacy.)
3. A passing knowledge of the history of Jello. Or at the least, an ability to play, “Guess what Sister BigButt put in her jello dessert THIS month?” This requires the ability to guess what the square shape is in the dark green jello. (Hint: think Bugs Bunny. NO, not rabbit, you heathen. That’s just gross. Think Bugs Bunny’s favorite food. You know, that MIGHT be worse….)
4. You must like zucchini. Zucchini is another religion around here. You must know how to pronounce, spell, and enunciate zucchini. It is state law. In the summer, people stand on street corners and toss it into passing vehicles. Many a well-meaning Saint has caused traffic accidents indirectly due to the prophets’ declaration that faithful LDS members sow gardens. This is the only time of year Mormons will lock their cars while at Church. If they DO not lock their doors, the other ward members will fill the car with zucchini.
5. The Clorox Bottle Santa Claus is a cultural icon around here. Mormons are very crafty. They make things out of old phone books, too. I promise. You MUST be able to paste a smile on your face and say, “Well, isn’t that spesh-ul,” when given a craft made out of, say, old toilet paper rolls.
6. You must have a higher authority to consult on matters of great importance, such as WHICH movie to go see, especially if said movie is controversial. Even grown women turn to their priesthood holder for this type of direction. You must regularly expect questions such as “Well, what did the prophet have to say about it?” Thinking for oneself is not big here. Better you have someone else to blame it on when things go FUBAR. I worry, of course, what will happen when LDS members actually listen when their prophet speaks. How the hell did they all miss that whole divine “impression” thing he said on Larry King Live? Huh? Somebody tell that.
Oh, don’t get me started. I know I mentioned before that there are certain areas to which you can move that are not quite as “Mormon.” Salt Lake City, while the centerpiece of Mormonism–where you can find the Mormon Temple and the Mormon-owned Main Street and two malls, and countless Church-owned brains–is actually not terribly Mormon. It has a pretty high non-Mormon and ex-Mormon rate, quite a few bars, and a decent homeless population.
Park City is like leaving the state, temporarily, until you hit, say, Heber City. But the costs, phew! Parts of Central Utah are known for high populations of Catholics and Greek Orthodox citizens, mostly because of the mines that used to be prevalent around there. (Tip: Mining country is not TERRIBLY scenic, and that’s all I’ll say without getting myself into trouble with the Utah Tourism Industry. The Strawberry Reservoir area, including DUCHESNE (prounced DU-SHAYNE, unless you are my husband who fancies himself a standup comic and calls it Du-ches-ne. I know. Not funny. YOU tell him. I’ve tried, the children have tried, and he AIN’T listening.)has the smallest LDS Church I have EVER seen in my life. My friend who lives down there assures me it is small because very few people ever go. The area is pretty and scenic, but there’s legal statutes down there requiring you to have at least TWO old cars, nonoperable, on your front lawn. Think rural. Think REMOTE. Think four hours to the grocery store.
So, while you can live in areas not as densely populated by Mormons, being a law enforcement person, I’m guessing that is NOT where you are headed.
Private schools are plentiful in Utah. They are filled with non-Mormons and a few Mormons. If you are SERIOUSLY considering coming here, feel free to write me privately for recommendations.
