No, it’s not Christmas again, even though Utah has seen some very wicked, very nasty weather this past week. Easter is just around the corner, and although spring SHOULD be here, I sure haven’t seen much sign of it.

So, what’s a girl to do but read? And since Emily Lockhart, author of The Boyfriend List, has a fun young adult novel out, I’ve had plenty of material to peruse.

The heroine of Lockhart’s book, Ruby, is a charming, neurotic, and uniquely created character. Since my own daughters are entering their teens, and despite the fact I’ve seen the last of my thirties, I still found a lot to relate to in Lockhart’s Ruby.

In fact, anyone who has ever known a teenage girl, lived next door to a teenage girl, and especially those who have BEEN teenage girls, will find something they like about Ruby.

Here’s an excerpt from the first of the book.

WHAT HAPPENED, YOU WANT TO KNOW?

In the same ten days I –
lost my boyfriend (boy #13)
lost my best friend
lost all my other friends
learned gory details about my now-ex boyfriend’s sexual adventures
did something shockingly advanced with boy #15
did something suspicious with boy #10
had an argument with boy #14
drank my first beer
got caught by my mom
lost a lacrosse game
failed a math test
hurt Meghan’s feelings
became a leper
and became a famous slut.
Enough to give anyone panic attacks, right?
I was so overwhelmed by the horror of the whole debacle that I had to skip school for a day to read mystery novels, cry, and eat spearmint jelly candies.

Skipping school for an entire day to read mystery novels, cry and eat spearming jelly candies? I REALLY like this girl.

Don’t miss The Boyfriend List, and watch for my review of it in ReadersRoom.com, running on April 1.

Since I woke up to a layer of new-fallen snow (Utah-Gods-that-Be: THIS IS SPRING. Get with the program!!) it seemed an appropriate time to open the old cyber mail bag, and respond to some of my, er, fanmail.

Regular readers know that I don’t blog on fanmail. Don’t get me wrong, I do get fanmail, and I respond personally to it. If you want to send me fanmail, in fact, I would LOVE to hear from you. Write Natalie@nataliercollins.com. However, if you want to send me hatemail, spam, information on how to buy Viagra, or a plea to help you transfer your dead father’s money into the United States, please don’t write. I’m far too busy. I’m trying to discover the cure for AIDS, after taking to heart some of the exhortations I received from Mormon readers begging me to make better use of my time, rather than blogging about them. Phew. That was a long sentence. Of course, those of you who know me realize that this is a futile effort, which will undoubtedly have disastrous results, since I have absolutely no training in this field, but I’m determined nonetheless.)

Aaa-nn-yway, I got this email just this morning. This is from a writer who claims to be a non-Mormon who grew up in Happy Valley, Utah, otherwise known as Utah County, the hotbed of Mormonism and the home of Brigham Young University. When I’m forced to go down in that direction, I skedaddle out of there as quickly as possible. I find it frightening. Below, is the email, quoted verbatim. All typos and misspellings belong to her.

Natalie,
I just read over your article “trapped by the mormons” and was honestly a bit shocked. I myself am origionally from Utah Valley but am attending school in New York City. Although I am not mormon, nor have I ever been, I never received that kind of approach from my mormon neighbors or friends. I do not believe in their ways nor am I investiating, but I must say, I am somewhat defensive to them because I was treated with respect and kindness and never felt ‘trapped’ in any way. If anything, I felt loved and accepted by them. I don’t know what part of Utah you live in where you experienced such trauma, but having lived in Utah Valley where most of them exist, I must say I encountered more of them than you (if you do live in SLC) and never was treated how you describe.

First of all, NoMo, thanks for writing. However, next time, before you dash off a letter to someone, perhaps you could make sure you actually READ what that person has written, before getting all offended and condescending? I grew in Davis County, which is probably about 99.99 percent Mormon. I must say that I probably encountered MORE of them than you ever have, mostly because I was RAISED THAT way. Of course, if you had actually READ what I wrote, you would know that. It’s pretty obvious you didn’t.

Ofcourse occasionally freinds invited me to church functions such as a dance or bowling, etc. but I was never pushed nor forced to attend and when I did occasionally tag along, it was only to find that mormons are normal people who just have strong christian values and a faith that keeps them going.

Uh huh. Sure. Whatever. I grew UP Mormon, NoMo. You’re talking to the real deal here. I KNOW how we treated non-Mormons. We didn’t play with them unless we had an ulterior motive. As children and teenagers, we heard over and over again the dangers of mixing in with the “Gentile” crowd. If you didn’t feel any type of bias, it must have gone over your head. Or so full of yourself it never occurred to you that all the people around you thought they were superior to you. Or perhaps there was an alien abduction….

I am disgusted with your exagurations of the mormons and their beliefs.

Which exaggeration and which beliefs? You’ll have to be more specific. And FYI, I don’t exaggerate anything. It isn’t necessary. Living in Utah is larger than life, as you should know.

You and I basically grew up in the same boat (non mormon living in UT) and one of our stories has obviously been completely altered and its not mine.

Yes, it’s mine, and YOU are the one who has altered it. We did not grow up in the same boat, again a fact you would KNOW if you actually read what I have written, or read my bio, or even spent TEN SECONDS at my site. But interestingly enough, it seems you have not. You write me a letter of disgust, and yet you have just about EVERY fact about me wrong. Don’t try to rewrite my history, NoMo. I was raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I spent the first 18 years of my life totally immersed in every teaching and every tenet and every belief. I was baptized as a proxy for a bunch of dead people as a teenager. I spent every Sunday in meetings. I’ve researched, read, and experienced more Mormonism than you every will (that is, of course, if you are REALLY what you claim to be: A non-Mormon.)

Perhaps you met one or two mormons in UT who took their religion a bit too far but to make general accusations about all of the ‘utah mormons’ like that shows a moral lack of good character.

It’s probably best I don’t comment on YOUR character here, and I really don’t think it’s necessary, since you’ve done a bang-up job of self-character assassination all on your own. I haven’t met one or two Mormons. I’ve spent my entire life living among them, with them, as one of them, etc.

Next time, do the research.

While winding through my massive amounts of backlogged email, I came across one that pointed out two interesting Web sites. Both of these sites were selling the “sealed portion” of the Book of Mormon. Goody. See, I guess when Joseph Smith, Jr., was “translating” the Book of Mormon (I think he was really sleeping with his head stuck in that hat), there was a portion–the “sealed” portion of the book–that God would not allow him to see or translate.

The time wasn’t right. Or Emma tried to sneak a peek at the plates. Or something like that…. Please don’t ask me for exact details. I’m not in the mood to go searching for them, so if I’m wrong, I’m wrong.

But apparently, at least according to some people, that portion is NOW unsealed. And for sale, too! When I did a Google search, I found a couple MORE “prophets” hawking THEIR version of the sealed portion.

Of course, my immediate reaction was not to get on my knees and pray for the burning bosom that would tell me which one of these “sealed portions” was THE true one.

I think we’ve already established I’m not much of a burning bosom kinda girl. More like a burning bra kinda girl. Yep, because upon learning about the “sealed portion,” my reaction was, “There is MORE of this dreck out there? AUUUGGGGH.”

I’ll make my own prophecy RIGHT here and now. OPENING the SEALED PORTION is not a good idea. There was a reason that God sealed those portions. I figure they were written by the not-quite-ready-for-prime-time-prophet. Which doesn’t say much for their quality, since the part that DID make it into the book needs a really good editor and some major rewriting. Don’t be offended Mormon. I know you tried, really, but writing well is hard.

Resist the temptation. Live on the edge. We’ve lived some 200-odd years without this knowledge. Do we REALLY need it now?

I received this comment from a reader just the other day. Since the poster was an active Mormon, I expected another diatribe about my negativity, bitterness, or inability to walk away and pretend I had amnesia, or my “sadness” or just a “you’re full of crap” post. It wasn’t. I was PLEASANTLY surprised. In fact, I almost had an epiphany, so filled with the spirit was I.

It’s 3:28 am and I just finished reading every one of your posts (at least all that I could find - back to August 2003, I believe; and, yes, I am obsessive-compulsive). I am an ‘active’ mormon, or moron, if you prefer. I’m not sure what form of sickness I suffer from that would possess me to spend all this time reading your blogs. I just had to say something, although I’m sure it won’t have much redeeming value. I love your sense of humor and found myself laughing out loud numerous times. You are a very good writer and I find myself gravitating towards expertise in most all forms that I find it. I don’t agree with most of your theology, but I can agree to disagree. I do agree that your observations about the culture and the people are particularly insightful. I’ve lived in many places in the United States as well as out of the country, however, I’ve lived most of my life in Utah. My observations are that people are pretty much the same no matter where they are from, or what religion they belong to. There is always something to criticize, and something to make fun of, and something to like about them… Like I said, probably not much to say that is redeeming, but I enjoyed my brief sojourn into your world. Best of luck to you and your family!

Well. How do I make fun of that? This person GOT it. He got me. He understood that I wasn’t out to hurt people, or destroy a “religion,” but just to tell you why I think it’s all so silly. I’m making fun of NOT just Mormons, but myself, my family, my heritage. Why am I making fun? Because life is too damn short if you can’t laugh. I don’t believe it. Many others do. There has to be middle ground, although I doubt anyone has found it yet.

There are two sides to the Mormon religion. There is a good side, and a bad side.

My emailer saw that and agreed to “disagree” with my theology, much as I have chosen the same path myself.

I don’t like Mormonism. That said, I really like Mormons–most of them. There’s good and bad in Mormons, just like there is good and bad in everyone.

My guest today is Johanna Edwards, author of The Next Big Thing, which is ALREADY hitting bestseller lists across the country. GO Johanna! I really like her premise, because she–like one of my other favorite authors, Jennifer Weiner–writes about REAL-sized women. Here’s the blurb from Johanna’s book.

Kat Larson figured she had nothing to lose by becoming a contestant on the new reality show From Fat to Fabulous – except maybe a few dozen pounds. Then she’d finally be able to arrange a face-to-face meeting with Nick, the British hunk she met online, who still thinks she’s a size four. She’d finally be confident and graceful and thin – and there’s that big cash prize, too, to pay for all those slinky new clothes she’d need. She’d finally have the perfect life.

That’s the fantasy, anyway. She’s about to find out the reality…

In fitting with Johanna’s title, I decided to ask her ten BIG and very pressing questions.

Natalie: What is your favorite book (one that you didn’t write, but wish you had)?
Johanna: I wish I’d written “Girl, Interrupted.” But, you know, I wouldn’t want to have spent two years in a mental hospital to do it…

Natalie: Do you prefer a man in boxers or briefs?
Johanna: Boxers. Briefs should be outlawed.

Natalie: If you had to run a country, which one would it be and why?
Johanna: I’d rule the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Because then I could go over there and work for as long as I wanted without being bothered by pesky things like visas. Oh, and I’d change the law so the pubs didn’t shut at 11 p.m. in England.

Natalie: Does Donald Trump’s hairdo (think mutant combover) bother you?
Johanna: It bothers me immensely. If Donald Trump – who has about $200 trillion in the bank – can’t get a decent haircut then what hope is there for the rest of us?

Natalie: Has reality television REALLY gone too far?
Johanna: Yes. Fox crossed a line with “The Simple Life” (see question 9)

Natalie: Who is your favorite late show television host?
Johanna: Conan O’Brien all the way!

Natalie: Your favorite movie?
Johanna: “The Birdcage.” I used to have a crush on Nathan Lane. Please, don’t laugh at me. I swear I’m not a freak!

Natalie: Favorite snack food during said favorite movie?
Johanna: Fritos scoops and cheese dip. Actually, that’s my favorite snake during ANY movie, although I wish I could say carrot sticks.

Natalie: Should Paris Hilton be allowed to speak on live television?
Johanna: No. Paris Hilton should be banned from all forms of media. Why is the FCC not working on this?

Natalie: Free association: culottes
Johanna: What? Who? HUH? (Sputters uncontrollably). I am just deeply disturbed by this question.

So now you know where Johanna stands on the issues, it’s time to go buy her book, available now at all bookstores, including Barnes and Noble, where it’s on their BESTSELLING list.

What a rush. I suspect that Johanna really IS the next big thing, and I don’t mean her size….