I Hope They Call me on a Mission….
I got an interesting email yesterday, from a Latter-day Saint who thanked me for writing my book, because it helped her reaffirm her shaky faith in her religion. THAT was a new one. Okay, she didn’t thank me, but she DID say she was glad she read it.
I am so very glad I read your book. I just moved to Nevada after living in Utah for 4 years. I was so very struggling with my faith and then I read your book. I was raised Catholic in the great state of Maryland. Maryland is for catholics as Utah is for Mormons. There are a lot of them there. I grew up only knowing catholics, if you weren’t catholic, something was wrong with you. I also grew up with sexual and emotional abuse. The sexual abuse came to light when I was just seven, guess what, it was my fault. The emotional abuse continued, no one tried to stop it. Isn’t that amazing, it is just not the mormons who try to cover things up. Those horrible people.I converted to the LDS Church almost nine years ago. I guess you know by now just how you helped my problem with my faith in the Mormon religion.
No, I have absolutely no idea. Sorry to disappoint. I helped you return because I wrote about something that ACTUALLY happens? I’m left feeling badly that you were abused as a child, and that people let it happen to you. I also agree it happens to people in ALL religions. I’m confused, however, why YOU as an abuse victim would believe it should not be exposed? If I wrote about Catholics, would you be this angry? Or is it only the Mormons abusers who should be protected?
Note to the Catholics: Don’t worry. The most I know about Catholics comes from movies and flirting with that really cute priest who used to go clubbing with us when I worked as a newsie in Salt Lake. I’ll let Dan Brown cover that territory…. I really like that sign of the cross thingie, though. It’s very cathartic.
You gave me renewed strength and purpose. I cant believe that you are a native Utahn and do not know that the Utah Jazz do not play in Salt Lake on Sunday. They only play out of town games on Sunday.
Well, dip me in the baptismal font and call me Molly! Never heard of such a thing. And HOW the hell do they work this out, logistically? Does the NBA actually SANCTION this? I’m afraid I’ll need proof. (Running, as my hundreds of detractors race to their computers to email my proof.) And if it IS true, can this state get ANY MORE surreal? Sunday sports are an American tradition. What the hell is wrong with you people?
Also, the markings on our sacred garments are not over the breast and genitals but over the breast, naval and knee. I have a feeling that you purposefully perverted the markings so that those who read your book that are not familiar with the LDS faith will think our garments are for some kind of sexual perversion.
You’d be wrong there. I didn’t. I’ve just never worn a pair myself. And if you want to get technical, your NAVEL is above your genitals….
I am very sorry that your experience with the LDS Church was not a positive one.
Likewise. Sorry to hear you don’t care much for Catholics. They throw great weddings and parties. No green jello ANYWHERE in sight.
There are a lot of very sick people out there, in all walks of life. There are also many misguided people who think they have to protect their faith by covering up these transgressions. This happens in all faiths and all walks of life. If you have a need to speak out against the LDS Church or any other faith, please do so with honesty.
I did. Nuff said.
March 9th, 2005 at 4:04 am
As a lapsed mormon in the UK I love your blog. I don’t write about the church because some of the things that happened still upset me, but reading you and dooce cheers me up imeasurably - I’ve probably spelt that wrong. Keep up the good work, and ignore the detractors.
March 10th, 2005 at 3:48 am
It’s 3:28 am and I just finished reading every one of your posts (at least all that I could find - back to August 2003, I believe; and, yes, I am obsessive-compulsive). I am an ‘active’ mormon, or moron, if you prefer. I’m not sure what form of sickness I suffer from that would possess me to spend all this time reading your blogs. I just had to say something, although I’m sure it won’t have much redeeming value. I love your sense of humor and found myself laughing out loud numerous times. You are a very good writer and I find myself gravitating towards expertise in most all forms that I find it. I don’t agree with most of your theology, but I can agree to disagree. I do agree that your observations about the culture and the people are particularly insightful. I’ve lived in many places in the United States as well as out of the country, however, I’ve lived most of my life in Utah. My observations are that people are pretty much the same no matter where they are from, or what religion they belong to. There is always something to criticize, and something to make fun of, and something to like about them… Like I said, probably not much to say that is redeeming, but I enjoyed my brief sojourn into your world. Best of luck to you and your family!
March 10th, 2005 at 11:56 am
Dear Natalie,
Prior to my mission, I had regular heavy petting sessions, partying, drinking, smoking(tobacco and weed), partook of other controlled substances, sex (3 times), oral sex, masturbation (alone and with GF), and broke some laws as well. Note that ALL of these fun times occurred within the time that I came back to CA from BYU for Xmas break (I had gotten my mission call in October), until about the 2nd week of Feb when I went to the MTC. As a side note, I was at about the same level of partying in the dorms at BYU (except the sex because I loved my GF at the time) and even from my Junior and Senior years of High School (where it all applied). I did not drastically change my party habits until I met Jennyfoo(I actually quit smoking and drinking temporarily and we ultimately got “sealed” in the Temple no less even though we pretty much did everything but have actual intercourse with each other prior to temple… but I digress.) Clearly I was not “worthy material” to go on a mission or do anything else related to the church according to the rules the church sets forth. I figured that church was just an elaborate game of Make-Believe anyway, so it didn’t matter if I really did anything they said. In fact, my bishop asked me the Sunday before I was supposed to report (when I got “set apart” and also got a “blessing”)if I had anything I needed to “resolve”. I thought, “Dude, what a prick for even asking, does he even suspect what I have already done and still told him I was “worthy” of his made-up religion?” Anyway, I told him no, I had nothing to resolve, and reported to the MTC on Wednesday. The last time I had oral sex was Tuesday, the day before I got on the plane to the MTC.
I was an avid actor in High School, the president of our Thespian society, and Drama club, so I figured the mission was just a huge acting gig. Payment was college tuition to the “Lord’s Univeristy” (and ONLY there) from my parents. When I got to the MTC I figured in order to be “in character” and “act the part” (my method acting coming into play), I should act like I take it all seriously, and eventually figured after hearing an especially “guilt-inducing” talk that I should try to “repent” and so I wound up confessing everything that I had done, with ALL of the gory details, (That’s right folks, you didn’t read it wrong - EVERYTHING - including… well… EVERYTHING) to my BP. (It is important to note that I had a close partyer-friend who went to the Empty Sea at the same time as me, who got sent home 2 weeks in for the same things I had done. Hell, he was at my side partying most of the time. However the only little hitch in the story is that it worked out that he knocked up his TBM GF. I was clever enough to use condoms and my Never Mo GF was on the pill, so no problem there.) I really didn’t care if I got sent home since I could just get the whole disownment from my family over with and live in a world of reality, but I suprisingly DID NOT get sent home. Oh well, free 2-year vacation then free 4-year education. (In retrospect, not “exactly” free…)
Anywho, I was immediately put on formal probabion where I had to keep “special logs” of my “repentance process” and my “closer relationship with the savior”. I had to turn in these written logs on a daily basis to my BP, who shared them with the MTC Pres (and whoever the hell else they felt like sharing the “inner feelings of my heart” with). They were assholes anyway and what I shared was pretty much a pile of crap. I wrote what I figured they wanted to hear, and I had a well planned-out process of “repentance” that I would use as my back-story to write from. Did I mention that I was really good at Creative Writing in school? No? Well, they ate that shit up in big bowls with a silver spoon.
Well, during this time, I was not allowed to: pray in any public meetings, do anything p-hood related, hold branch callings, take sacrament, go to temple, and whatever other dumb restrictions they give to someone who has “sinned terribly” - In essence, I was pretty much a disfellowshipped missionary, but they called it “probation”. I didn’t care since I’d rather not do all of that crap, but I wished I could have gotten some more “rehearsals” at praying and giving blessings and stuff before going into the mission field. Anyway, after having two conference calls to discuss my “penitence” with Tommy Monson, the MTC president and my home Stake president, they must have decided that I was “sorry enough” to remain a mishy. (Or maybe they were laughing their asses off and taking bets on when I would go home on my own.) So, I was taken off probation 2 weeks before I hopped on a plane to Chile. I tried to give lots of prayers and blessings during that time to make up for not being able to, so I could get “good at it.” In retrospect, I really missed my calling because I was SO good at acting. I knew all of the words to say and how to play the part. It was so funny to see these old men thinking they could make decisions based on some hocus-pocus bullshit. I saw no evidence of any inspiration in these men (mind you this is Tommy Monson, one of the “especial witnesses of Christ”) nor was there any “power of discernment”. (Obviously) They just gave me quotes from “The Miracle of Forgiveness”, stupid self-help sound bytes and catch phrases, and told me to “believe in the power of the atonement” and “Jesus would forgive me” and “listen to the Spirit©”. What a bunch of horse turds they were. My roommate TBM mishy companions actually thought that Tommy Monson must have asked Jesus personally if I should stay on my mission after I told them about that meeting. They knew all of the stuff I had done and must have been amazed I never got sent home. How deluded they must be. Poor schmucks. I kinda liked them.
I kept up the charade on my mission and yet still was able to have 3 girlfriends who I fondled and made out with. I also drank beers and smoked a few cigarettes, definitely partied, I played Dungeons and Dragons with one of my DL’s while our Trainee companions who didn’t speak Spanish went to knock doors on a REALLY LONG STREET. I spent the night at a really hot girl investigator’s house with that same apostate DL who pretty much spent the whole time with her (I didn’t ask) while I played nintendo. I only got in trouble ONE time and was just transferred to another area within the same stake, so my mission GF found me and no one was the wiser. I still managed to be DL, Train a few greenies, and baptize 76 people into the cult. FOOLS! MUAHAHAHA! Seriously, I feel bad for them but I take solace that Chilean convert retention rate is REALLY low and that probably none of my baptisms stayed active longer than I was on my mission.
Well, at least I didn’t kill anyone. I probably managed to commit some crimes as well but I’m not going to incriminate myself since I really don’t want to go to prison.
After re-reading this, I can see that I really must have some terrible sociopathic tendencies. I’m glad Jennyfoo and the kids keep me relatively honest. Leaving the church was the best thing ever.
Marc A. Schindler
January 29th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
Natalie,
You have spunk kid. I appericate your energy and boldness. I just feel bad seeing such enthusiasm being channeled to negatively. I hope that you will agree regaurdless of religion we are here to build and help each other, not tear them down.