When I was young, the only tolerable part of the once-a-month Sunday Fast and Testimony meeting–which had the tendency to drag on for hours when were were ready to gnaw the arm off anyone sitting nearby, since we’d been given nothing to eat that morning–was the time when the spotlight was on me. My mother still wistfully recounts how I was always the first one up to “bear my testimony,” which of course, was done at a time when I really had no idea what I believed.

Right about the time I DID figure out what I believed was when the testimony-bearing stopped, but up until that time, I had a captive audience. They couldn’t leave! They had to listen to me. There were armed guards at the door. You had to be bleeding from an open wound to be allowed out of the chapel into the foyer. Okay, that’s a lie. There weren’t any armed guards, or tribes of wandering Danites, but it felt like it. I used to pinch my little sister until she’d cry just so I could take her out and walk her up and down the hallways outside the chapel and “calm her down” which made the time pass a tiny bit faster.

She’s still traumatized by that, and all I have to do is put my thumb and forefinger together and she goes into convulsions.

But as I was pondering what my parents would think if they read my blog, since all the damn tattletale Mormons are threatening to tell them, or at the least reminding me how disappointed my parents must be in me, I realized that THEY ARE TO BLAME.

My parents, the LDS Church, Joseph-Smith-is-a-prophet-of-God–all of them. They encouraged me to tell the world what I believed, and to do it on a regular basis. This blog is just a continuation of that. My audience is not quite so captive, but I have one nonetheless.

Note to prospective parents: Considering this a warning. Be careful what you wish for. You might get it.

There is a secret that no one tells you when you are young. When the injustice of parental wrath is showered upon your head, you hear two things over and over: “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” and “You’ll understand when you’re grownup.”

Both of these statements are blatantly false. The reason the first one is false is obvious. Since I’m “mostly” an adult with children of my own, I know this to be true. Spankings are definitely worse on the receiving end. The reason the second one is false is less obvious, so I’ll spell it out for you. The truth is, one is not EVER allowed to grow up. You just become a constipated, wrinkly-faced, dry-skinned, responsibility- and cellulite-laden child.

I know that this not endemic only to Mormonism, since my friend Dej’s mother regularly visits and in the midst of the pandemonium and chaos ends up making Dej feel as though the main reason she visits is to let Dej know just how badly she is failing as a parent and grownup, but since I live Behind the Zion Curtain, I’m writing about my experiences here in Utah.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this is because a lot of the email I receive from Mormons mentions my parents, and the reaction they must have to my vocal musings, since they are so deeply ensconced in Mormonism. One email said this, as a parting shot:

On another note, do your parents read your web page? What do they think about it?

The classic “I’m gonna tell your parents” card. Or “What are you doing to your parents?” Or, as one of my sisters said, “Why are you doing this to Mom and Dad?”

My dad–even now that I am past 40 with two children who roll their eyes at me regularly, a mortgage that I am expected to pay on time once a month, and about six diffent jobs–still uses that parental voice with me. “Natalieeeeeee,” he says, a warning in his voice, when he doesn’t like something I’ve said or done. The only difference is now I can answer back, “Dadddddddddd,” in the same tone. It’s a draw. He can’t win anymore, but I still can’t get away from it.

In answer to my questioning anonymous friend, of course my parents don’t read my Web page, and in particular, this blog. They haven’t read my book, either. I was honest and told them they would not want to read it. They were honest enough to admit that I was right.

They do, however, know my position on these things. So stop threatening to tell my dad.

Now I’m getting mail from a Mormon who is pretending to be a non-Mormon friend of Mormons who is really pissed off that I’m picking on the Mormons. Can you follow that? Me either. Because we all know that the only person who thinks I am being MEAN to the Mormons is the Mormons.

The rest of the world hasn’t made the leaps my new “friend” has made, such as presuming to know anything at all about me based on what little I have provided on my Web site.

Today’s message said this:

I’m sorry you feel the need to attack a religion that has obviously “wronged” you in your long, incredibly hard life. Yeah, life can be soooo challenging, and people still manage to move on and not bitch about it. Suck it up. If Mormonism is as bad as you make it out to be, why is it one of the fastest growing religions in the world? I might not be Mormon, or agree with a specific sect, but I have plenty of friends that are religious, that have never forced their beliefs on me. You must have a lot of hate in your heart to write the way you do. You would have made a great German Nazi, prosecuting the Jews… because that’s exactly how you sound. Have a lovely day!

Um, where did I complain about my long, hard life? Who the hell you calling old? My life has not been THAT long. Sheesh.

Look, Mormon-friend-pretending-to-be-non-Mormon, I’m a writer. That is what I do. It’s all fine and well for you to not write about your life and get on with it, but that’s what I do! I write. I get paid for it. I’m not bitching about my life. I’m talking about the silly things that happen around me. That’s what writers do. I never said these people were doing these things to ME!

I am a former Mormon who still lives in Utah, and that’s what I write about. Get used to it.

I really don’t have much hate in my heart. Not even for you. Rather, I find it amusing that you have made such assumptions about me based on a few posts in a blog. As for why the LDS Church is one of the fastest-growing church in the world, go read my story Trapped by the Mormons, and all will suddenly become remarkably clear. You will have a vision, complete with bright light, and a burning in the bosom of awesome proportions.

Church Growth=bad math
or
Church Growth=poor clerical records

One can’t really claim such astonishing growth, unless one bothers to also quote retention.

As for the Nazi comment, well, obviously, you are trying to find something that will really chap my hide until I react to your ridiculous claims and namecalling.

However, if I were Jewish, it would give me just ONE MORE THING to be pissed off at Mormons about. Not only are they secretly baptizing dead Jews as Mormons, despite having been asked repeatedly to stop, but now they think that someone’s blog that mentions they don’t really AGREE with Mormonism is comparable to cooking someone in a gas chamber.

Methinks somebody is a hamburger short of a Happy Meal.

…just another message to Dick/Starfish. When the MORMONS stop trying to convince everyone that they are RIGHT, and that they have the only TRUE Church, then I will stop saying that they are wrong.

Deal? Come on, sounds fair to me. How about the rest of you?

I received two anonymous email messages from the same person just a few moments ago. Since it’s my lunch hour, I should probably respond.

Once again, I have become a “you people.” This, for the unstudied, is a term of derision used by those who believe they are on the correct side of an argument or disagreement, as opposed to those of us whom they believe to be just plain wrong.

My anonymous friend, whom we will call Starfish, because I cannot determine his/her gender, had this to say:

Are you people for real? Do you just sit around all day and think of ways to be mean and sarcastic? I mean, who cares what religion you are, as long as you enjoy your life and are happy with where you are. Why do you get so much enjoyment picking on LDS people? Why not Jews, Catholics, Presbyterians, etc? Or, maybe I should just do my research, because maybe you do. Why can’t people just be respected for what they believe and leave it at that? You don’t have to believe it if you don’t want to, but that doesn’t mean you need to lash out, berate, make fun of, or twist everything that is every said or published. If that is the only enjoyment you receive in life then I am sorry for you. I’m sure your parents, whom you have already made fun of for serving a mission, are proud! And if you have issues with your parents, which many of us do, me included, why is that the fault of the church? He’s a big man, he made his own decisions. If you have a beef with him, by all means let him know, but quit being so damn mean about everyone and everything inbetween.

Yeah, I guess it’s hate mail. I’m just mean, mean, mean. Mean about everyone and everything in between–in between WHAT I don’t know.

See, Starfish, you are wrong. I do not write about everything that is said or published. However, like you, I have opinions and I have the right to state them, as do you. The only difference between YOU and ME is that I sign MY posts and opinions with a name, and don’t hide behind anonymity.

Oh, and since you pretty much DARED me to write about you, I figured you must really want me to. Here’s your fifteen minutes in the limelight. Too bad you didn’t have enough courage to sign your NAME to your missives, so that you can enjoy it.

Here’s the SECOND email Starfish sent me.

That wasn’t hate mail. . . that was just honesty. It is sad that someone can be honest with you in the nicest way possible and still you treat them like dirt on your website. Reveling in being mean and sarcastic. It’s called constructive criticism, babe, doing your ‘research’. You as a writer should know about those things but all your words do is show that you can’t take it.

I can’t wait to see what you say about me.

Who was being honest with me in the nicest way possible? Whomever are you talking about? IS THIS DICK?? Are you writing me BACK Dick? You think I’m a BABE? Well, hell, if I knew it was you I would have just sent my response to your email address, which I have because you emailed me TWICE before, only that time you did not choose the anonymous route. Um, and just so you know, it’s all your fault. After all, you told me I was being too nice.

See folks, being nice is overrated anyway. I’ve been nice all my life. Last time I was nice Dick accused me of sugarcoating my experience with the Mormons. Well, hello! I’m not sugarcoating it anymore. I just tell it like it is.

I can’t win with Mormons. The only way I COULD win is if I just threw up my hands in the air and said, “okay, okay, I know this Church is true, it’s the only true Church, Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, yada yada.” Of course, once I FINALLY figured that out I stopped trying. And then my blog became fabulously popular, and people began offering me millions of dollars for my opinion, and Oprah called, too. Okay, only the part about people reading my BLOG is true. But the other things could happen!

Pssst. Hey, did you hear? Dick/Starfish called me BABE! Is that a term of endearment or of derision? I choose endearment. It must NOT be hate mail….