Today, on Maud Newton’s blog (Maud is the ultra-cool, ultra-chic literary blogger I want to be when I grow up), she mentions Martha Nibley Beck’s book, Jon Krakauer’s book, and my book. Perhaps now would be the time to hire a bodyguard. Except I’ve only had two death threats. I think both Martha and Jon are winning that race.

If I hired a bodyguard, he would probably look like Barney Fife from the old Andy Griffith show. And shoot just as well.

My “hate email” is all pretty boring. A lot of it mentions the “hate in my heart” and talks about how “sad” I am. I’ve had someone make suggestions of other things I could be doing with my time that would be more worthwhile than writing a blog about Mormons (as though the only thing I do is write a blog about living in Utah with the Saints).

Once in a while, though, one really stands out. Like this one. Mostly because I have no idea what this writer is trying to say. The author, although apparently a Mormon (or so he says), appears to be using hallucinogenic drugs. I post it here now, in the hope that someone can interpret it for me.

YO YO, your ish awesome.

firstly, my beef with u natilie, is that your anti, i could give a crap what your anti about, i just think that people who blab non constructive words have a negative impact on the world. so here we go, im going to have a negative impact on the world and waste a few moments of my life for the sake of trying to offend natalie and of course possibly having a side-effect that it may help someone out, hahha yeh right!

i dont even want to post to this lame blog. i hate things that are built to facilitate controversy. or in this case, wine about how pathetic of a life she has because shes trapped and doesnt see a way out, just stand here and complain.

here goes, against the grain baby…

“hey everyone, lets all talk about how our perspectives differ!”, it should be a very productive discussion.

yeh right, this persons intent is so clear from the blog name. “trapped by the mormons”.

heheheh, ok sorry natalie, i wasnt aware i was trapping you .

and i know that people have mentioned to you that you could just move and escape the mormons…

WELL YOU CANT!!!, we are everywhere, mUSHAHAHAHAH >:)

you know what would be a good post? reasoning why you feel so trapped and incapable (or lack of desire) to do anything about it, rather than talking negatively online about your situation.

or perhaps you could bother in seeing the good in things..

“ya know what? i think these mormons are crazy, but wow, they’re pretty good people, and you know what, i did some actual research, and im learning about a lot of evidencies and indications that point toward a likely truth in their faith.”

nah, we cant have that… lets just turn on the TV, blogs, etc, and digest all the negative things in the world. you know! a negative plus a negative is positive! heh

“hey, didn’t you see on the news?, people died today!”

hey people were born too, why no mention of that?

seriously natilie, the glass is half full, if you can realize this, you most probably have an increase of good feelings, which just makes life better… crap, my mormon instinct to actually care about you is seeping in… MUST RESTRAIN MYSELF!!!

anyway, please dont moderate this post. if you can say what i consider jacked up stuff, give me some respect and let me say some jacked up stuff , wait a minue, im asking from respect from you? man I MUST HAVE A LOT OF FAITH or something heheh

and seriously, i’d like to see, oh wait..

you said “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen”

hahahahah, rofl, oh man…

and your blog title, hahahha.
thats great

oh “no technology”, i embrase technology, i develop similar software that makes your negative venting eletronically possible.

see, your comments are so weak and feable, you could at least substaintialize them to some degree before posting them. in fact, i could write you some scripts that continuously say “mormons suck” a lot on the web. then you could have more time doing things you enjoy.. OH WAIT, you enjoy _this_?, sweet

also, is your online existance completely dependent upon opposition towards the “mormonz”?.

i can only assume that your belief that you are “trapped” is the most interesting thing about yourself based on your decisions to try really hard to make the public know this.

good to know the mormons can provide you with something to live for

when a nobody starts talking about mormonism with your attitude..

“jan 27th 2008, well, mormons suck, i learned to day about a mormon that killed someone, man, if thier church is true why would someone kill someone”

“aug 31st 2010, hey wives and sisters is winning!”

“jan 22th 2012, mormons suck, did you know? yeh, the bishop molested 27 girls”

“may 22nd 2034, wow, look at how productive my life has been, i sure feel good about how negative i’ve been over the years”

it’s been done, the least you could do is be innovative.

btw, your recent blog content lacks, who cares about your amazon race, and yoru blog isn’t necessary to find out who is winning. learning something and post something cool.

btw, fear me, im dangerously crazzzzy BOO!

*** INCOMING POSITIVE COMMENT***
i really like your logo graphic it’s pretty good, good design.

ohhH! positivity has entered the blog, can it survive?!?

i think it’s great that your pro martha beck though, hopefully you can be as great an author as her.

OH i got a sweet idea, you could say you’re molested or something. THEN TONS OF People would read it, then u could make more money!!!

wow, AN M.O., human history has taught us that people have LIED to get MONEY, power, attention.. but nah, no one does that anymore.

and the same logic that is applied that leads us to believe how false mormonism is, doesnt seem to apply in teh this case. 1 outta 8. good odds, IM IN!!!, ill see your 3, and raise you 5.

i think it hilarious that it takes an alternate route to discredit such a genius, cause no one could use intelligence to battle him, hes too freaking smart.

i really do not know why so many people go crazy about dissing mormons, it must be great fun or something, but man, but the people who do are DANGEROUSLY CRAZY! heh

also, im on the eletronic mormon hit-team, i get paid with tithing from posting stuff like this.

hahahahha

ok, you made it this far…
the inherit ridiculousness (sarcasm, hipocracy, etc) of this post is a MOCK MOCK MOCKERY of sweet little natilie, and to serve as an example of MORMON HATE MAIL

hope you continue to make lots of money writing and selling grade-a material.

best wishes, someone-who-is-like-you.

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