Today, at 12:39 p.m., MST, W&S has ONCE again bested the BoM!!

Book of Mormon–#114,199
W&S–#49,222

Of course, next hour it will all change….

It was interesting to hear, through the ex-Mormon grapevine, that the LDS Temple ordinances underwent yet ANOTHER change in the last week. No more creepy annointing of genitals by old people. Woo hoo! Maybe now you’ll get me there (Note: not a chance in hell, compadre). (Another note: not a chance in hell they’d LET me in there. However, I know a few people who SNEAK in, just to find out what is going on. I am not one of these. I get cold chills just thinking about it. It isn’t that hard to sneak in. You just have to be a good liar. I am not. You might ask how they SNEAK in. Well, they go to the bishop, lie a bit, get a temple recommend, and walk through the doors. Sneaky, eh?)

If you really want to read about the whole anointing thing, I shall refer you to sources better than I. This is the best site I’ve seen explaining it.

So why the change? Well, a couple of reasons.

1. That whole anointing of the genitals thing was just plain creepy. We are not that kind of society. We don’t let strangers touch our genitals unless we are Kobe Bryant and figure pretty much everyone wants to touch our genitals.

(Note: That one time with all the wine, the cute out-of-towner, and the housesitting job CANNOT be figured in here….)

2. The Mormons want to be mainstream Christians. More than that, Gordon B. Hinckley wants to be the head of a mainstream Christian church. Wonder if this is true? Just read about his behavior during the Mark Hoffman/Salamander Case. If Gordo hadn’t been so worried about squirreling away the documents of the “occult,” from the Church’s past, Mark never would have sold his forgeries, or have killed people to keep it from discovery. If Gordo is REALLY a prophet, why didn’t he know it was all bullshit? Oh, yeah, right, that day, he was only a man. Later that evening he put his super-underoos back on and became a prophet. But while he was a man, he was also a man that knew that all was not right with the early Church. Oh well. Hide it away.

NOTE: There are lots of other clues that Gordo wants Mormonism mainstreamed. For example, the fact that God isn’t talking to him. Apparently, he makes his decisions based on impressions. Oh, don’t get me started again…. Well, come on, if you admit someone is talking to you, you’re kind of owning up to schizophrenia, right?

So, now that the whole genital touching thing is gone, will inactive Mormons head to the Temple in droves? Of course not. Why? For a couple of reasons (heh):

1. They think the whole temple thing is stupid, the Church doctrines silly, and the whole Joseph Smith story off-the-charts ridiculous.

2. Those garments are just plain UGLY. Even for fat people. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Give me Victoria’s Secret anyday. Sheesh.

Yes, it’s true. I have FINALLY bested the Book of Mormon on Amazon.com. Better yet, I have been doing better in the rankings for MANY, many hours of this day.

BoM–#34,249
W&S–#20,956

SUCCESS!!!!!—WOOO HOOOO!! I am ahead. For once, for ONE SHORT MINUTE in the Amazon view of reality, Wives and Sisters is beating the Book of Mormon!! Go Sisters, go Sisters. Whoop, whoop!

I’d like to thank the academy, and my mom and dad, and my family, and I know this Church is true, and it’s the only true Church, and Joseph Smith….Whoops. Funny how thank you speeches sound a lot like testimonies.

Sunday morning is a great time to grab a cup of coffee, sit back and go through email that has mostly been ignored during the week. First up today was this little missive.

Our custodian buys books and then passes them around to our staff at school. She passed me your book, Wives and Sisters and told me it was about the Mormons. I told her I was one. I thought it would be about the reorganized church, but no, you’ve made our church out to be some weird cult where all the men are wife beaters, the bishops hide crimes from the authorities, all the wives are baby machines, and we’re all a bunch of idiots following a prophet who’s telling us not to think. I got about 60 pages into your book trying to keep an open mind, trying to find the suspense, but what came through loud and clear is you hate Mormons. The problem is you need to get your facts straight if you’re going to talk about the religion you grew up in. Talk about narrow minded. You also need to get outside of Utah where there are real people and believe me, Mormons are so totally different than Utah Mormoms. I’ve lived outside of Utah for most of my life, though 10 yrs. were spent in Utah. Utah Mormons are not the same. We, me being one from a part member family, grew up to respect other people’s religions. I don’t go around bashing their religions and sure would appreciate it if you wouldn’t bash mine. I have a brain. I have studied and gone to other churches. I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints and even if I got to heaven and found out I was fooled, it was the best decision I ever made. I have a loving husband who was raised Lutheran and converted, but not because of me. We are partners and I have four wonderful sons. We don’t beat our kids. My husband adores me and I adore him. Two of my sons have served missions and I don’t care if they ever baptize a person. I was more interested in them helping people see that they could have a better life following the teachings of Christ. I’ve received letters from people who have become better people because of my sons. And these were letters from people who didn’t join the church.
You have so many facts wrong in your book, that I told the custodian I’m going to have to write a paper so she knows the facts if she is to pass the book around. I live in a community where we are the only members.
I have had women on my visiting teaching route (that means I write to them because they are so far away), that have asked to not be contacted. I have respected their wishes, told them to write a letter to the bishop, and I’ve also passed the info on to the Relief Society Pres. and ward clerk that they don’t want contact and that’s the end of that. I am not here to force my beliefs on anyone.
Like I said before, you need to do a little living outside of Utah. In all my years of being a member - 42 to be exact and having lived in 9 different states, I’ve only had one bishop that I had issues with. You need to remember that we are all human, we are not perfect and will never be perfect. If you knew the Articles of Faith, you would know that as members we are to obey the laws of the land.
Your story made me laugh. I’m sorry, Bishops don’t cover up for crimes.
While living in Salt Lake City, 1/2 block from the police station, a member on church welfare broke into our apartment and robbed us while we were at church. The bishop didn’t hide it. The man was arrested, taken off church welfare, evicted from his apartment, etc., etc.
It’s too bad you couldn’t keep your anger out of your story line. I’ve read many wonderful books. I’m sorry to say your’s wasn’t one of them because all I felt was your anger coming out and anything you could think to bash about the church you did. Tell your folks to get a life and you need to get on with living. Why don’t you try to write something worthwhile. I love a good suspense novel and murder mystery, but your’s wasn’t a book of suspense. It was a book of you venting and then venting some more. IT came across loud and clear. Why is it that people like you just have to just keep spreading lies and hate? I told the custodian to burn this book, but if not, please include my paper with the correct facts to make sure people know what is truth and what is fiction.

Well. I’ve become a “people like you.” I always wanted to be a “People like you.” Really. Oh, and by the way, Molly, (I’m not using her real name to protect her, as I always do. I’m very protective of these Mormons) this book IS fiction. However, none of the base facts I used are incorrect. I can back them ALL up.

Most interesting to me through this rant was the fact she told the custodian to BURN my book. Goodness. A book burning. Call me J.D. Salinger. That has to be good for business….

You might notice I’m not really commenting on this email. I could have made a few comments like, “So glad you have a brain. Are you currently using it for a doorstop?” or “How would you know what the book was about, since you CLAIM To have stopped reading at page 60?” but I won’t.

I think her email speaks for itself. Someone alert the media!

BoM vs. W&S UPDATE—Every time I do this, I get kinda cranky. Because EVERY time I go in to find out what the ratings are, I see there are more customer “reviews” for the BoM, which of course are NOT reviews at all, but what the LDS faithful call “testimonies.” We’ll get back to that, though.

Here are the totals:

BoM #41,641
W&S #127,838

I am out of the bargain basement for the time being, and the BoM is headed in my direction. I’m sure it’s only temporary, at least as far as the BoM goes. Remember all those faithful followers? Remember my lack of faithful followers? Where are you people?

Now, let’s talk about those “reviews” again. They are NOT reviews. Everyone is bearing their testimonies. I know. I have heard ALL of these things time and time again in church. As I’ve mentioned before, I attended an AWFUL lot of church meetings in my youth. I know of what I speak. Every first Sunday of every month is Fast and Testimony meeting, and that is all you hear. Testimonies. Don’t let the word “fast” fool you. It is never fast. It means fast as in don’t eat, then sit through a three-hour sacrament meeting where every fool in the ward cries, and pontificates and “I-know-this-Church-is-trues” while your stomach is rumbling, and you feel faint with hunger. Just when you think escape is nigh, the most LONG-winded member of the ward (who purposely waits until the very end, in a sort of “getting the last testimony-in” way) stands up and everyone groans, some verbally and some silently. But you can hear and see it, no matter how they groan. Because unless you are a liar and a cheater, and sneaking food at home before meetings start, at this point you are starving!

I stopped attending the LDS Church when I was 18, only partly because I couldn’t stand F&T meeting. The rest had a lot to do with the theology, which I tend to quibble with. But 18 is the age when my dad couldn’t force me to attend anymore. (Do not interpret this to mean he stopped TRYING to force me to attend. That still hasn’t happened. In fact, if I outlive him I fully expect to get messages from the dead, trying to reinforce the dire need to return to church, and return NOW! If I do get these messages, perhaps THEN I will listen). Now, if you do the math (which I have no intention of doing), you will discover I attended a LOT of Fast and Testimony meetings.

I’ve heard it all before. This is nothing new.

So now I have a message for all the testimony-bearing MORMONS: listen up! I have read the BoM. It is NOT “the greatest book I’ve ever read.” In fact, it’s pretty much dull as dirt. It is NOT “poetic.” If it IS the greatest book you have ever read, you REALLY need to read more. Feel free to email me for suggestions.

I know, you all got the email where the bishop, or the stake president, or someone in a position of authority tells you to go to Amazon.com and write a five-star “review” to stop the anti people from further decrying your sacred tome. Good to know people still blindly follow without thinking. It gives the religious zealots and cult-leader wannabes hope. Everyone needs some hope. But I have news for you. It is NOT working. Everybody knows who is writing those reviews. Nobody is just perusing the Amazon Web site, happening on the BoM page and being struck by the nearly 500 reviews of testimonies from faithful Mormons, and feeling THUS inspired to buy and pray about the book. As I’ve mentioned before, you can get this book for FREE anytime.

We’re so glad your life has been changed, and this is the best book you have ever read, REVIEWS are supposed to be honest reviews. The Amazon form does NOT say post a testimony. Can’t you people read?