Note to Molly Mormon, who emailed me this morning: (not her real name, OBVIOUSLY). I’ll say this slow, so you can figure it out. I am not comparing my book to the Book of Mormon. I am comparing my book’s AMAZON RANKING to the Book of Mormon’s AMAZON RANKING. There is a very big difference. Trust me on this.

W&S vs. BoM update—Wednesday, 9:21 a.m., MST

BoM— #5,741
W&S– #84,800

Well, somebody bought at LEAST one copy of W&S and a few of the BoM. And the BoM now has 266 reviews!! In 24 hours 22 people have “reviewed it.” I was kind of perplexed (okay, I wasn’t. I’ve been around this stuff all my life. I know how it, and Mormons, work.) But I happened upon a copy of this email.

“Please pass along this e-mail to those who you think will follow up on this
request. In Stake High Concil Meeting last week the Stake President made a point
to discuss the Church’s distribution of the Book of Mormon in retail stores as a
fulfillment of the promise that the Book of Mormon will flood the earth in the
latter-days. He said that there are individuals who don’t want the Lord’s work
to go on and are doing everything they can to thwart the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
He said that one particular item that is causing the Bretheren concern is public
message boards and book review forums such as the one at Amazon.com. He asked
that we pass along the request to visit the review boards and message areas and
post thoughtful and uplifting messages and reviews for those who are seeking the
truth. If enough people will post uplifting messages then the anti-Mormons will
get the message and stop spreading their hate. So, as a friend I am asking that
each and every one of you take the time to do something positive in regards to
the attacks on the Book of Mormon. Visit Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com and
write a favorable review to counteract the anti’s who are trying to destroy the
Lord’s church. His gospel must roll forth and with your help it will. Thank you
for your efforts. Yours in the Gospel, Bro. *****.”

Thus, 22 reviews in 24 hours. Can you believe it? I can.

BoM vs. W&S–1:54 p.m., 12/21/04

BoM— #6,390
W&S– #163,516

I’m losing ground fast. I really need a religion. Now all you conversion-crazy religiosity type folks contain yourself. I don’t mean I need to FIND religion. I need my own religion. One named after me, about me, and for me, and one that will allow me to garner a bevy of followers who will buy my book just because my name is on it.

There are 244 reviews of the Book of Mormon on Amazon.com. I took some time looking at them, and found that the majority are nothing more than testimonies. You know what I mean. “I know this church is true, I know it’s the only true church. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet.” In other words, they aren’t REALLY reviews. It’s just an opportunity for Mormons to proselytize. Like they NEEDED another excuse to befriend innocent victims and love bomb them until they have to move away or be baptized just to shut them up.

And half of those reviews say something about the few negative reviews that can also be found on Amazon.com. “Don’t listen to the negative reviews. Read it for yourself! It’s the best book ever written. It’s the companion to the Bible. It’s fabulous! It’s wonderful! Nothing beats it! Best thing since toast and jam!” Oh. Ahem. Sorry, got carried away with the spirit….

I need my own religion.

BoM vs. W&S update–11:48 p.m.

BoM–#6,760
W&S—#46,408

What this means is: Well, hell, how should I know? Ask the people at Amazon. They designed this ranking system. I haven’t got a clue. And it’s late. And will someone PLEASE remind me why I am doing this, because I have no idea…

BoM vs. W&S update–5:56 p.m.

BoM– #8,438
W&S– #52,704

We’re both going downhill, fast. Sorry Joe.

Oh, check out these reviews, though. (I admit to purposely finding a funny and not-so-positive review, so you Mormons reading cannot accuse me of this. It would be a waste of time. I admit it! It’s true. I’m slanted, biased, not being fair, etc. I ignored those of you who raved on about the wonderful book, and how it changed your life, and found one that didn’t care too much for it. I also admit I didn’t find a negative review for Wives and Sisters, because I COULDN’T!! There isn’t one online, or anywhere! So there. Nyahhah, nyahhah, nyhaah. How do you spell Nyahha? I have no clue.)

An Amazon review for BoM—

This is a truly special book. It is more valuable than any other book you will ever come across. Its uses are almost too numerous to count, but let me list three that you might not have considered: 1. It will replace your National Geographic subscription and your minor in anthropology. Why spend time and money studying modern fads about the origins of ancient Americans when it’s all there in the Book of Mormon. Yes, it’s true. The Native Americans are descended from Jews. It’s right there in the book. And where else can you learn that elephants lived in the New World, that modern metallurgy was known to the ancient Americans as well as compasses and submarines? Also, did you know that a couple of dozen hard-working people built a replica of Solomon’s Temple here in the New World? It took the Israelites 150,000 men seven years to build their version. Lazy beggars. 2. It is the perfect sleep aid. Yes, seriously. Get rid of your sleeping pills, forget counting sheep, hypnotism, expensive beds and pillows, and any other methods of curing insomnia. This book is so dreadfully dull and tedious that you will be snoring within minutes. 3. This book gets rid of unwanted visitors, telemarketers, annoying coworkers, obnoxious neighbors, you name it. Just try to loan them your Book of Mormon and watch their eyes glaze over, see them look anxiously at their watch, or make some excuse about being late for an appointment.

An Amazon review for W&S

Block out Saturday and half of Sunday, and stock up on your favorite caffeinated beverage because Wives and Sisters is a compelling book that you can’t put down. And when Wives and Sister closes, 288 pages later, the characters remain in your memory, living in your thoughts, compelling you to read it again. The disappearance of Allison Jenen’s best friend and her own confrontation with death age of six colors this story of personal survival. Nine years later, Allison begins questioning the system of her world with the death of her mother. She began bucking that system at the subsequent remarriage of her father, in his effort to populate his Celestial heaven. Through Allison’s pain and humiliation of rape, to her triumph over the deceit and bondage of the patriarchal society in which she is trapped Allison Jensen is our antihero. From childhood to adulthood she takes the hard road to truth, pulling, not only herself but, her sisters to the otherside of their personal devastation to survival. Natalie Collins wove a convincingly intricate tale with all the personalities and emotions of life that draws you in and doesn’t let you go. Situations many of us could never comprehend in a sane world and yet know they exist daily, even in this new millennium. I could not put this book down, so I read it again, and wanted more. My family gets copies of this book for Christmas.