Christmas Day, 2004—Well, fans (and you are fans, right? Either that, or you are extremely bored and surfing blogs, in which case, WELCOME strangers), today we are going to ponder the strangeness that is the makeup of today’s modern male.

To make this easy (and because I am lazy) we are going to consider one particular modern male, who happens to reside in the same house that I live in. He is a peculiar sort, this male. For example, he is quite gifted with all things electrical and mechnical. He can fix a vehicle with a can of hairspray and a piece of string (Go, McGyver), can perform major surgery with duct tape (man, do men like duct tape), and can fix a Barbie’s decapitated head using means he will not tell me, or else he would have to kill me.

But, for the life of him, he CANNOT put a paper product on the roll to which it is supposed to be attached. Instead, he sets said roll on the counter, as if waiting for it to JUMP up onto the roll, and niftily attach itself to it. This applies to paper towels, as well as toilet paper. Now, I figured out how the paper towel and toilet paper holders worked a long, long time ago. Can someone please explain to me why he cannot?

Lack of Logic in BOOK OF MORMON REVIEWS—Since we’ve figured out why the BoM has so many Amazon reviews (see below), I thought it might be fun to discuss some of those “reviews.” Here’s the most recent one.

Amazon reviewer of Mormon Origin– Based on sientific fact and logical
conclusions, truth seems to be on the side of the Book of Mormon. Anyone that
actually studies the scriptures, will recognize the fact that the Book of Mormon
only supports what is written in the Old and New Testiments about Jesus Christ,
his coming, birth, ministry and Atoning Sacrafice. I don’t understand what the
fuss is all about. Truth is truth where ever you find it. Unless it’s the fact
that Satan doesn’t like the truth and is trying hard to convince people that
lies are truth, and sadly there are so many people out there that are easily
duped.

First of all, Mormon reviewer, it is best NOT to tout “scientific fact” when one cannot even SPELL scientific. Sorry, but we AREN’T gonna take you seriously. And just what conclusions are those, anyway? Give us examples. How did you arrive at this conclusion yourself, since that pesky DNA evidence pretty much proves that the BOOK OF MORMON could not have taken place in North America.

Now, I’m gonna admit here that all one has to do is utter the letters DNA and my eyes roll back in my head and I start to snore, but I do know this. Those Native Americans you guys have been calling Lamanites for years? You know, the ones you claim were descended from ancient seafaring Israelites? DNA evidence has proven they are actually descendants from ancient Siberia and Southeast Asia. Now Mormon reviewer, this is a pretty major finding. There are other things, but this one is IMPORTANT. Sorry you don’t understand all the fuss, but as you say TRUTH IS TRUTH. And the truth is, the Book of Mormon is wrong. So how do you explain that?

And how easy it is to attribute things to Satan when you don’t have the answer. It’s a funny kind of logic you Mormons use.

Silly me, when I heard about all this DNA evidence fuss, I figured that finally the Mormons would have to abandon the BoM as having divine origins. I was wrong. I heard THIS explanation, instead. “God changed the DNA evidence so we would have to rely on faith.”

At this point, all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and run screaming….

Christmas Eve–Despite repeated attempts to convince my two children that it is not Christmas Eve, they are not as gullible as they used to be, and have also figured out how to read a calendar. Therefore, I lose. It IS Christmas Eve.

I was crafty this year, however, and decided NOT to put tags on the presents. This has given me endless-opportunity hours of legal torture. “I’ve forgotten which presents are which! You’re going to have to guess. I’ll shake them. I can figure it out. I think. If you open the wrong present, you are just going to have to hand it back to the rightful owner.” What fun. My on-the-brink-of-teenagehood daughter was NOT amused. The younger one, however, caught on to my scheme. “You color-coded them mom.” Damn. She’s a little too smart for her own good.

Late last night, as I tossed and turned and pondered the state of my Amazon ranking and various other things, like the fact it is TWO days until Christmas and there is nary a present under my tree, I had an epiphany. Why couldn’t my parents have raised us as Amish people? Then, when I said “no thanks, I don’t believe,” and began to make fun of all that they hold sacred, NO ONE would know. At least no one in the community, including my believing brothers and sisters. There’s something to be said for a community that shuns technology.

Just think—no hate email from Mormons, some of whom happen to be related to you. Gotta hand it to those Amish people….